Is it me? Or is everyone I meet crazy?

[Lorelei1986]

I'm new to this forum and I don't know of this is a place for this question but I need your help regarding my issue with now my deceased mother's surgeon. My mother had several vascular diseases and the surgeon that took care of her and performed a surgery on her several times and saved her life two times was from the very beginning behaving like he was the part of the family with us, always kind, always ready to help. Over the years we made a strong bond with him and trusted him completely. Unfortunately, the disease complicated and I experienced the most traumatic horror I could ever imagine to happen, the blood flow during the surgery couldn't be put on and I got a call from my surgeon saying he needs my permission to amputate one of her legs and then a second call after a few hours saying he should amputate the other leg also. Needless to say, my mother didn't survive the surgeries and the doctor was there for me every step of the way.
After several months, I started remembering his kindness towards me, the emotions overflowed and I sent him a message via Facebook saying I was thinking about him a lot and I received a message from him that we rarely regret what we did in life, it's mostly what we didn't even try in life and I figured he was flirting because he referred to me as black mamba in one of his messages. We agreed that he calls me and that we should meet.
Three weeks later, I got a call from unidentified number and the person I was speaking to was behaving in a conversation like we are in a relationship. At first I didn't realise who it was so I was rude over the phone, and the person kept saying that he was too late, that he would not forgive himself for being too late, he kept saying that I forgot about our arrangement. When I asked who he was, he said it was too scary and that I would be terrified to know who he is and he made up a name for him. I only realised after two months that it was him.
So I called him and asked him does that name mean anything to him and he said no. That was it.
Several months later, my grandmother also got a vascular problem and I called him for help, because he was always there for me. The shock I experienced cannot be explained here when he said to me that I was selfish, that he can't heal my whole family, he kept asking if I was obsessed with him and am I making this up, he then asked if this is a sick game of revenge from my part. I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out and I sent him a message saying that I will not be contacting him ever again.
But I did it again. After the New Year I sent him a new message saying that I know that several months have passed and I still feel sorry for the way our conversation ended, wishing him a happy New Year. He replied that we all choose whether we leave a positive or negative impact on people's lives and that he would prefer that we stick to the message I sent where I said I wouldn't contact him anymore.
My question is this? Am I really obsessed due to the trauma I experienced or is he a full blown jerk. Which one of has can't handle rejection?  Which one of us is a narcissist? Because there is something sick in this story. Am I really that obsessed? What is wrong with me? I can't go to the therapist because this is a small town and they all know him.
Thank you for your help!

[JustKeepTrying]

Lorelei1986,

I am sorry that you had this horrible experience.  It sounds incredibly traumatic and life-impacting.  Trauma like that changes you - physically as well.  It physically marks your brain.  So even if this surgeon is a friend or not, the underlying trauma needs to be addressed.

Please find a therapist to address the trauma of your mother's death.  Place aside the surgeon's following actions and no longer contact him.  You need to work on the loss of your mother and your grandmother's illness so you can see and separate the issues.  I fear you are mixing up the importance of the events by focusing on his actions instead of addressing the real reason for your trauma.

Even if you don't do therapy, this guy does not sound like someone you need in your life.  Chalk it up to weird and strange people and be grateful you don't have to deal with him anymore.

I am wrapping you in comfort and peace and hope.

[Cat of the Canals]

From your description, you've only talked to him a handful of times over the course of many months? That doesn't sound like obsession to me.

Three weeks later, I got a call from unidentified number and the person I was speaking to was behaving in a conversation like we are in a relationship. At first I didn't realise who it was so I was rude over the phone, and the person kept saying that he was too late, that he would not forgive himself for being too late, he kept saying that I forgot about our arrangement. When I asked who he was, he said it was too scary and that I would be terrified to know who he is and he made up a name for him. I only realised after two months that it was him.

This sounds like a very bizarre conversation, and it says a lot that you were the confused party. He was behaving strangely and you responded to that the way any normal person would. (With a whole lot of "WTF?" and "who is this?") It almost sounds like he drunk-dialed you, realized what he'd done after the fact, and was too embarrassed to fess up, so then he went full DARVO.

I agree with JustKeepTrying that you are better off without this person in your life. At best, he sounds like someone with poor boundaries... any surgeon should understand the potential for trauma bonding with a patient or family of a patient and should never take advantage of that. At worst, he sounds unstable.

[Adria]

From reading your post, you do not sound obssessed.  It sounds to me, like he is very strange, and you didn't like the way it ended with him because of all the good in the beginning. So, you tried to be the bigger person and reach out one last time to try and make nice out of a really bizarre situation.  I think you were gracious, he was not, so just let it all go.
On a side note, it's probably good you found out how he is before getting anymore entangeled.

[Lorelei1986]

Lorelei1986,

I am sorry that you had this horrible experience.  It sounds incredibly traumatic and life-impacting.  Trauma like that changes you - physically as well.  It physically marks your brain.  So even if this surgeon is a friend or not, the underlying trauma needs to be addressed.

Please find a therapist to address the trauma of your mother's death.  Place aside the surgeon's following actions and no longer contact him.  You need to work on the loss of your mother and your grandmother's illness so you can see and separate the issues.  I fear you are mixing up the importance of the events by focusing on his actions instead of addressing the real reason for your trauma.

Even if you don't do therapy, this guy does not sound like someone you need in your life.  Chalk it up to weird and strange people and be grateful you don't have to deal with him anymore.

I am wrapping you in comfort and peace and hope.

Thank you for your comment, it was really helpfull. I did try to seek therapy just after my mother died but I don't think the therapist really understood the issue. But I will seek some other for sure.
You mentioned that I am mixing the importance of the events, I think you are completely right as I have thought about it before and that is why I needed some 'side ' opinion on this topic. This is the reason I thought that maybe I am obsessed with his actions.

[Lorelei1986]

From your description, you've only talked to him a handful of times over the course of many months? That doesn't sound like obsession to me.

Three weeks later, I got a call from unidentified number and the person I was speaking to was behaving in a conversation like we are in a relationship. At first I didn't realise who it was so I was rude over the phone, and the person kept saying that he was too late, that he would not forgive himself for being too late, he kept saying that I forgot about our arrangement. When I asked who he was, he said it was too scary and that I would be terrified to know who he is and he made up a name for him. I only realised after two months that it was him.

This sounds like a very bizarre conversation, and it says a lot that you were the confused party. He was behaving strangely and you responded to that the way any normal person would. (With a whole lot of "WTF?" and "who is this?") It almost sounds like he drunk-dialed you, realized what he'd done after the fact, and was too embarrassed to fess up, so then he went full DARVO.

I agree with JustKeepTrying that you are better off without this person in your life. At best, he sounds like someone with poor boundaries... any surgeon should understand the potential for trauma bonding with a patient or family of a patient and should never take advantage of that. At worst, he sounds unstable.

Over the course of a year and a half, yes. That is why I couldn't believe that he would lash out at me in a full blown rage and call me obsessed and wanting revenge.
I wasn't sure if it was my fault because everyone says that he is a nice and kind person and I always thought so too. Caught me off guard really.

[Lorelei1986]

From reading your post, you do not sound obssessed.  It sounds to me, like he is very strange, and you didn't like the way it ended with him because of all the good in the beginning. So, you tried to be the bigger person and reach out one last time to try and make nice out of a really bizarre situation.  I think you were gracious, he was not, so just let it all go.
On a side note, it's probably good you found out how he is before getting anymore entangeled.

Thank you, maybe it was a trauma bonding at first but know I am gratefull that I found out how he was in time.

[JustKeepTrying]

Lorelei1986 - I went through three therapists before I found someone who clicked with me.  It took a great of sitting with my feelings after I saw the therapist and acknowledging whether they were helpful.  That's the trick - I used to think - they know more - but it really is about helpful.  If they don't click or aren't helpful - it isn't that they aren't good its that they aren't good for you

Good luck!