Small Talk and Redirecting conversation

[thenextme2020]

My wife and I are seeing my PD parents for the first time in nearly 4 years for dinner. I've kept in light touch with them over the years with a bit of texting and a phone call every few months. Our relationship is not super close anymore, and they're kept on a strict information diet. The strategy is to utilize Medium Chill and do our very best to get them talking for the bulk of the conversation by asking questions. Whenever there is silence, they tend to start asking invasive questions that lead to unhealthy conversation and boundary stomping. I'm looking for suggestions for non-controversial small-talk topics, and ways to quickly end a bad topic and change the topic of conversation. Mostly I do not want to discuss the past because that will inevitably lead to debate and head butting. When that happens my BPD Mom goes to war and eventually rages. Ideas I have so far:

Small-talk:
- The weather
- Their recent vacations
- Their hobbies
- Covid
- Food / Cooking
- Family (high-level)
- Our kids (again, super high level)
- Investing (my mom's passion)
- Work (my dad's passion)

Redirection / Conversation Enders
- That's interesting, how is the food?
- Let's focus on the present moment
- That topic isn't going to lead anywhere good
- I don't want to talk about that
- Let's talk about something else
- That isn't something I feel comfortable talking about - let's move on.
- Oh that's interesting, why do you ask?
- <short high level response, then turn the question around> "How often DO YOU see other family"
- I don't like how this conversation feels, let's talk about something else.
- I can tell you're really upset and have some strong feelings. Let's focus on the moment
- The past is in the past, let's focus on right now

Leaving
- You're really upset. If you're unable to calm down we will be leaving
- We don't deserve to be spoken to like this, we are leaving and this visit is over. Maybe we'll try again some other time.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think you've got it pretty well covered, but there's one trick I've got that would work great on my BPD mil, so maybe it will work on your mom. Ask if she has any photos of her recent vacations.

My MIL loves doing this so much that she forced us to look at the vacation photos she took... IN OUR TOWN. We'd go to a national park, and at the end of the day, she'd force us to look at the photos she took. Took her to a museum, same.

[Sneezy]

My last resort is always "excuse me, I have to go to the ladies room."  By the time I get back, I hope the conversation has changed.  I'm sure my in-laws think I have the world's smallest bladder 

[Hilltop]

I think you have it covered. All those are great ideas.  I would go with the understanding that at some point you will probably have to use them, so put anyway any guilt in doing it.  I used a few on my MIL on NYE with success.  She did say a couple of comments that are about topics that are a little off, so I used the 'Hmmm' one, very non committal and then I literally changed the subject.  Or if there was a part of the comment that is innocent I would pick that part and say 'Oh yes the colour green is great', then change the subject.  Keep them talking about themselves as much as possible but at some point they may want information so have some superficial stuff ready that you would be happy to share with the postman.  If they have an opinion on something, 'If you think so, oh have you seen .....'.

Another tactic that worked well was, as my MIL started talking about my mom and some information that had been passed between them my DH got on his phone and suddenly had to show me something very interesting.  Then my attention went to that and we both commented on it and my MIL's words hung in the air, not answered, the conversation with her stopped, within half a minute we returned our attention to MIL and we moved the conversation along to something else.  So I would possibly pretend you got a message that you need to show your partner 'Oh look Ted just sent us a Happy New Year message', or weather patterns rolling in, an item you want to buy online, I don't know but have something for that moment when a very direct line of communication comes up.  Just let your partner know beforehand so they don't say, what message what are you showing me.  My MIL didn't go back to anything related to my mother.  I get this may seem rude in normal settings but I figure it's better than feeling like we have to answer something we don't want to.

I didn't end up needing this one but had it ready. If something is said or done that you instantly feel triggered by take a breath before saying or doing anything, use that moment to pick up your glass and have a sip.  In that moment as you take a sip detach, this is suppose to give you a moment to remove yourself so you don't respond emotionally.

Good luck, you'll be great.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, you're putting so much effort into this meeting going well!

[Hilltop]

thenextme2020 - if you want to know the big secret, it's actually not caring.  I use to care what my MIL thought, I use to take it personally so I would get hurt and react.  Now that I simply don't care, I just don't like her enough to give two hoots what her opinion about me is, it's so much easier to deflect when you don't have that care factor there.  It took a long while to get there.  When you take the emotion out, it's really easy to just watch something happen and see it for what it is.  Then your attention goes on that rather than the insult or whatever just happened and it's easier to simply leave it with the other person.  You can still stand up for yourself or deflect but there's no emotion in it.  When there's no emotion in the response it just sort of deflates whatever they throw your way.  I don't want to spend a lot of time doing this which is why I limit how often I see my MIL to twice a year etc, it's really not healthy doing this on a regular basis.

With my PD parents, hmm, no, I am not there yet.  I still have emotion around them, so I am unsure of myself and how I will respond.  One thing I am coming to realise though is that, it's such an energy drain, it's such a waste of time to be burdened by this.  It's a hard place to get to but at some point I hope to get to the point where I leave all this with my parents and I have a meh approach to them as well. 

I have spent so much time thinking about visits, healing after visits, dealing with hurtful behaviour and it sometimes takes so long to recover after a visit to just get back to normal and I do wonder if it's worth it.  Life is there  to be enjoyed, not to have it drained and sucked away by our parent's negativity.

There is so much effort into this visit, so much seems to be riding on it being a success and what if it is.  Then there's next time or the next phone call.  I think all your techniques will work well, I just think the emotion will be the hard part.

[SunnyMeadow]

thenextme2020 - if you want to know the big secret, it's actually not caring.  I use to care what my MIL thought, I use to take it personally so I would get hurt and react.  Now that I simply don't care, I just don't like her enough to give two hoots what her opinion about me is, it's so much easier to deflect when you don't have that care factor there.

This is 100% true and where I am also. I do NOT care anymore. This allows me to hear the nonsense she's spewing and move on without it bothering me.

I like your list thenextme2020. Those questions and redirects should keep things flowing smoothly until it's time to go. I also throw in plenty of questions about products, services and stores. Incredibly light and boring things but it gets my mom talking and I can just watch her lips move until it's time to go 

[pianissimo]

I'm not great at directing conversations... These kinds of situations make me tired. I let myself feel the tiredness. Then, I'm able to not care too, because I'm just too tired to care.

[moglow]

Minuscule talk is what a friend used to call it - don't offer opinions, likes or dislikes. Smile and nod. Restrict conversation to the weather and their health. At that point I truly wonder, why bother at all if I'm not a participant, if I can't be myself? I decided to just be who I am, be polite and show interest, offer up little that can be used as ammunition later.

In your situation, you've not seen them in years. They've never met your children and their favorite aunt will be there. Odds are they will "behave" just given the current situation. Then there will be the inevitable "what's next" conversation, and that can be addressed later. "we'll give you a call once the kids get settled back in school..."

What I've had problems grasping is, just because someone tries to argue or be belligerent, doesn't mean *I* have to engage. I can [and do] absolutely step back, decide how or if to respond in any way, and carry on from there. I'd be more focused on are maintaining polite boundaries. You know best what your boundaries are - just keep in mind that's no punishment or refusal to engage with them. Some subjects are just off the table and/or this isn't the time. Period. Practice BIFF: Brief, informative, firm, friendly. I think you're probably better prepared there than I.

Above all, good luck!

[mary_poppins]

Yes, it's very good what you've done. Those phrases work well with PDs. For me it works when I change the subject immediately if they pick on me or ask me something deeply personal or express dissatisfaction about something I did. So what is your sister/brother doing? My NM LOVES to talk about her own family of origin-to either inform me about them or gossip about them. It is impossible for a PD person to resist if you redirect the conversation towards them, their likes, dislikes, their family, their hobbies, the food they ate etc. They are so addicted to validation that they'll get any chance to assert their likes/dislikes, interests and issues about their lives or the people in their FOO.

[Liketheducks]

In addition to not caring so much.....I like to just be quiet.   Human nature for most people will be to say SOMETHING to fill the silence.   Usually, it's utter nonsense, but sometimes she'll let her guard down a little and can genuinely connect on a more positive level when I do this.   
I ask more re-directing questions.   Usually about something positive that she'll "light up" over.   Sometimes it is birds she likes or trips, etc.    Sometimes, she'll WANT me to ask about trips - but won't offer up that as a conversation and then gets in knots that I'm not asking.   (This is a little game playing on my part - but I get to choose my way of dealing with the ick....so I sometimes do).      I just follow her lead and keep the conversation super high level...1000ft.     

[foggyme]

I am getting tired of redirecting and making small talk. I just want to be rude. Like really rude. I just hung up on my mom because she thinks she gets to question me on why I am voice calling and not video calling, the moment the conversation started.
I had constantly gotten jabs , jokes or outright questions repeatedly about getting pregnant, even when I was visibly uncomfortable and tried to delicately escape the topic. I swear parents and older people are so rude.