It seems…

[Pepin]

It seems that a shift is taking place.  A long overdue  — but extremely  sad shift.  DPD MIL has had a major health setback that means she can no longer care for herself.

It's been a shock to say the least but also not surprising given her age and health.  While it brings somewhat a relief, it is also a sign that worse is yet to come. 

Already, extended family members are rearing their ugly heads - thinking they are well meaning but actually they are jackals.

I am terribly worried for my husband and how he is going to be treated throughout all of this.  He already has POA and is the executor of her estate which was set up a while ago.   It's pretty much untouchable the way it was set up by her but I am concerned that others are going to start demanding information about it.  And this is very scary to me.

I have to stand by DH's side to help him get through this. 

[Hilltop]

Sorry to hear about your MIL's health set back.  The estate will no doubt bring out every family member wanting to make sure they get their fair share or every opinion about the correct way to handle things.

I would say at this stage supporting your DH is the most important thing to do.  Sounds like it will be a bit stressful.

[Sneezy]

Pepin - I'm so sorry to hear this and I feel for both your husband and you.  It's going to be tough.  We are going through something similar - my uHMIL has dementia, enabling-FIL has Parkinson's.  My DH has gone above and beyond to help them, and they are both angry and unappreciative.  DH's brothers were critical of his actions at first, then saw evidence of both in-laws' cognitive decline, and eventually became fed up with the whole situation.  There is no shortage of concerned neighbors, dramatic relatives, and others who have an opinion.  Communication between DH and his parents and brothers is sparse.  Everyone feels hurt and helpless.  It's a major mess.

For now, I am supporting DH's decision to go VLC.  I've made it clear that my in-laws can not move in with us.  We've basically dropped the rope and peaced out, at least for the time being.  That is probably not an option for your DH at this point.  The only advice I can give is to support his decisions, help him however you can, let him vent to you if that doesn't upset you too much, and be honest with him (as gently as possible) if you think he is going down the wrong path or making a decision that won't work out. 

Also, just because your husband is executor and has POA doesn't mean he has to answer to anyone else.  Just tell all the nosy-nellies that you can't give them details due to privacy concerns, but you'll let them know whatever they might need to know whenever they might need to know it.  Good luck!  I'm hoping it works out for you and your DH as best as it can.

[Cat of the Canals]

Just tell all the nosy-nellies that you can't give them details due to privacy concerns, but you'll let them know whatever they might need to know whenever they might need to know it. 

Wave that "privacy" flag as often and as loud as you need to.

[Pepin]

Also, just because your husband is executor and has POA doesn't mean he has to answer to anyone else.  Just tell all the nosy-nellies that you can't give them details due to privacy concerns, but you'll let them know whatever they might need to know whenever they might need to know it.  Good luck!  I'm hoping it works out for you and your DH as best as it can.

Thank you for the kind words and I am sorry you are dealing with similar.  DH shared copies of the AD today and hopefully that will douse those particular flames.

As for the rest, I still fear that it is going to be a tough road ahead.   

I already know that some are going to take offense and be hurt by DPD MIL's wishes for her estate.  While I personally don't agree with what she chose, it wasn't my decision and I would never do that with my own.  In the end, perhaps her decision about how she chose to disperse what she had, will be the eye opener that we all needed to hear about who she really was.  Those who did her bidding were rewarded; those who chose not to, were not.  This is a woman who quietly believed in rank according to her criteria...no shocker to say the least.      

While this chapter with her in my life is finally coming to a close (and my main reason for being here), I'll need to pivot and start facing the rest of them.  While she did block the others from me in a sense, now DH and I together are possibly vulnerable.  And this is why I am terrified.  He no longer has a mother to hide behind - even though she offered him protection as long as he did what she wanted.    

And the other side of this scenario is our marriage.  How will our marriage hold?  A large portion of our marriage involved including DPD MIL.     DH spent a lot of time attending to her and her personal affairs - and even since he was literally a teenager.     Her loss is going to create a massive void in his life.  And he can either fill that void with positive, good things and healing or he can self destruct.  Currently, I really don't think he has done much healing because he never had the chance with always having her close by.  Now he will have the opportunity to really think things through and perhaps finally understand some of the responses he received from other family members, myself and our children.  He was increasingly infuriated by these responses and claiming that it was disrespectful.  It was DPD MIL who was disrespectful to us all and especially herself.  Despite what she went through in her past, it was no reason to do (and not do) what she did.     But she figured that her behavior and actions would be in her favor even though it was wrong and she got away with it for far too long.   She just never grew up.   

And here we are.  No one will receive an apology or even a goodbye.  We are all just left hanging to pick up the pieces of the mess that one person single handedly and WILLINGLY created.

My hope is that we clean everything up quickly and get on with living.     We have a lot to make up for.   

[Seven]

Pepin,

I hear you and feel you.  Since MIL passed in November, DH has come to the realization that yes, something was actually wrong with his mother.  He didn't want to acknowledge it while she was living, although they were NC since April. I take that back...he acknowledged it, but didn't want to delve into how to handle her, except to go NC and wait for an apology from her, which obviously didn't even happen on her death bed.  He even got the nerve to ask his father, "why was Mom the way she was?  How many times per day did you argue". The answers were not surprising, they reinforced the same things I told DH throughout the years.

Come to find out also that UBPDmil had two savings accounts in her name only to the absolute surprise of FIL.  "How could she do that to me?"  Its stuff that's not a big deal because he'll get it through probate, but it was just the shock of how she manipulated their funds. Funneling from one bank to another, etc.

Hopefully your DH will come out the other side of this for the good like my DH.  Her death has been more of a relief for everyone, including FIL.  Even though he is lonely, I feel like he is relieved as well.

[Pepin]

Pepin,

I hear you and feel you.  Since MIL passed in November, DH has come to the realization that yes, something was actually wrong with his mother.  He didn't want to acknowledge it while she was living...

Hopefully your DH will come out the other side of this for the good like my DH.  Her death has been more of a relief for everyone, including FIL.

Thank you, Seven, and I am sorry that you went through this, too.  The part about not wanting to acknowledge it while she was living really makes total sense to me right now.  She wanted to use her culture to hurt certain family members by hiding behind outdated practices.  Even DH is feeling a bit shaken by this because it was he who was assigned to do her bidding upon her death.  It is damning to say the least.  He has managed to soften the blow and I think this will start the snowball of many other damaging and unhealthy things that she did that he will have to come to terms with. 

While her eventual death will be a relief, it won't be celebratory since there will be various levels of grief to contend with for all of us left behind.  But I think that eventually, all will be reckoned with and life will move forward in a good way - like it should have been all along.  We will all be able to just live.

[1footouttadefog]

My pdh was a major class A number 1 momma's boy.  He reported to her and very much did what he thought would please her.

I thought there would be terrible fall out when she passed.  It was weird, there did not seem to be.  He went back to work and seemingly took it well.  But as time went on, it became clear alot of what he had d ok be and how he acted and protected himself as was for her.

  Over time it seemed that the reality that his parents were gone sunk in, he was then trapped in  a world where there was no hope of ever getting their approval.

Over time I was parentified and his frustration with his relationship with them was transfered to me.   

[Pepin]

Over time I was parentified and his frustration with his relationship with them was transfered to me.

*sigh* This is what I worry about.  For years, I was the scapegoat until I put my foot down.  Now I worry that other family members on his side will point fingers at me because as his wife, I seemingly did nothing to dismantle their unhealthy relationship. 

However, I did take steps.  I stepped away and let them have at it with each other.  And now DH is potentially caught in a hard place.  And I did mention the concerns a number of times over the years.  And here we are. 

Bottom line here is a lack of transparency.  It is an unfortunate scenario.  I am ready to back up DH and already have.  While it seemed that he was being treated better, he was still on the receiving end of abuse.  He was manipulated -- used and brainwashed from a very young age in one of the most covert manners I have ever come to understand.  I hope he will be open to therapy because if I even get a whiff of him employing the same tactics on anyone, I will be referring him.  Furthermore, if any of her behavior starts coming out through him, I'm out.  It's time to pack up this sh*t show.