Ending with another long term friend

[Whitesheep45]

This is a pattern in my life that I outgrow friends ...
I've had long friendships and this one is 7 yrs ( there's something about the number 7 at the mo ...
We have been close friends and shared lots of life ...the difficult , the hard , the amazing , fun , laughter , shared interests...
The past 3 yrs we have both been going through ' stuff . Her mental health instability ++ unresolved trauma .. relationship breakdowns ..unmanageable work situations .
Me trauma PTSD ... In therapy healing and obs the m.e CFS . I've come to the point where I can't take her drama anymore and I'm seeing more and more she is v self centred , seems fake and pushes and pulls in our friendship by no contact and then piling it on , making and breaking plans or not even breaking just not letting me know .
I've worked to practice patience with her , set boundaries where I've needed to etc but now I just feel done ..
It's sad I don't want to lose another friend because my god I don't have a pool of them and she was my closet friend ..
But I can't see any way around it .
I'm a different person to when we met 7 yrs ago I've had a lot of healing and growth .... For her it seems the reverse .
Her  psychiatrist says she may have bpd and it's come to light she has huge sexual trauma which she hasn't and says she can't address .
My m I'm sure has bpd and I can't have a relationship with her so it isn't a surprise I was attracted to someone broken too but I'm changing and wanting more healthy for my life . People who can give and take in healthy ways . Overall I feel this friend has a real lack of respect for our friendship and I often don't know if I'm her closet friend or she doesn't give a s**t . She appears hollow and fake and users people .
I've reached a level where my self care self love and who allow into my space is so important to me .
It's a bit scarey the space that will be left but in honesty it's more past memories than how things have been this past year and longer .
Also the letting go feels like a relief also and an excitement for more healthy relationships in the future .
Women who can look after themselves in healthy ways as I'm learning to do ..

Anyone relate ?
What are your experiences ?
Do I sound sane ?
Also I haven't used the forum for a while can people point me to where I can do some good reading around toxic people and how that operates ..
Thanks

[Hazy111]

Extremely common, as you come "Out of the FOG" you start to realise some "friends" really arent friends at all.

Many threads on this.

[treesgrowslowly]

Go easy on yourself. That's my advice. She's still living out her dramas and a lot of healing has to happen in her life before she takes care of her friendships.

In the meantime she's sounding very familiar to many of us here. She wants you to do all the work so that she can act out.

Acting out is not acceptable when you're her friend not her therapist. Breaking plans and not being able to discuss it is a deal breaker for me too. At a certain age I can't deal with someone who can't take responsibility.  She may want better things for herself but wanting it isn't enough.. it just isn't.

Sadly this is common. You know that you've outgrown these dramas and you know that you're tired of it. You do sound sane to me. You're asking good questions I've asked myself many times.

Check out the Crappy Friends podcast. Many episodes in the last few years have touched on toxic  friendships.

Trees

[WJC]

I so completely relate to what you are feeling right now. I am about to take a break from my best friend. We were super close but once she decided she wanted to be in a relationship again the crazy came out. She made dreadful partner choices (complete  sociopaths) and I was there all through the relationships and when the relationships ended. Then she would deal with her grief by throwing herself into a project and I would not hear from her for a week or two or three. Even if we did talk she was not able to be there for me in a supportive way because she was too preoccupied with her own stuff. Of course she sure found time to call me and have lengthy discussions when she needed something.

I also do not have a huge pool of friends and I am walking away from my main support system outside my husband. But she really has been increasingly self-obsessed since she started dating and I have to be honest and admit that what I am losing is not very much. I remember when we were so close but it hasn't been like that for almost two years. It sounds like your situation is very similar in this regard.

I finally realized I was accepting the same treatment I get from my father (uNPD probably uBPD) and just accepting whatever crumbs she throws my way. She calls herself my best friend but there are major events that happened that she does not even know about because she was in her self-absorbed phase when they happened. I was supposed to just sit by the phone and wait for her to emerge from hibernation and then support her through her next crazy relationship and then give her space when she wanted to disappear again. It got to the point where I didn't even want to call her anymore.

You know how people say that it is better to be alone than to be with a bad partner? I think you can say the same thing about friendships. Better to be alone than to be with someone who completely drains you and can't make any effort to nourish and cherish the friendship.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I wish you the best as you seek out healthy friendships!

[blacksheep7]

Anyone relate ?
What are your experiences ?
Do I sound sane ?

Oh yes, like many of us here. We can not expect our friends who have not healed and evolved in their toxic relationships to get along with us, especially when we are advancing  in living  better and healthier relationships.

I have lost three major 30+ friendships. It was a long time coming, all the signs were there. The latest, last of the three happened a month ago, I got caught up in her co-dependency when she had a major breakdown, depression from a narc at work. She is also surrounded with narcissits in her foo and foc and Drama!  Her partner who can not hold down a job, has had 6 in the last three years.  She still puts him on a pedestal saying he is the best in writing CVs.  I told her «what is the use if he can't hold a job longer than six months.»  She drained me with her calls, always crying, told me that she would leave him, never did. She is afraid of being alone.   Her partner is a Narcissits, his kids come before her.  She injured her leg last year, had trouble walking, had sent me a picture of the front of the house for some reason and I noticed that he hadn't sholved the snow off the balcony and stairs, prints of someone that had walked through it. Big red flag.  When I told her, she wanted to go and shovel it.  Kept her adult children depending on her, having them on a family plan for their phones and had access to their accounts. Cleaning and laundry of one of the boys.  That changed when I told her that she wasn't helping her one son not becoming a responsible adult.  Leanding him money. 
Her calls became a trigger when she kept on calling every 2 days if I didn't answer or call back.  I told her that she needed to change things to fill up that emptiness.    Once again, like two yrs ago, I am the one who isn't on the same wave lenght telling me that I look down at people who don't think like me 
She is filled with guilt and shame.

I'm sad about the long friendship but do not miss her phone calls.  She is very intelligent about interesting subjects like history for one which we both love but the petty stuff and gossip was taking over.

Good for you in seeking healthier friends.

[palmtreeparadise]

This is a pattern in my life that I outgrow friends ...
I've had long friendships and this one is 7 yrs ( there's something about the number 7 at the mo ...
We have been close friends and shared lots of life ...the difficult , the hard , the amazing , fun , laughter , shared interests...
The past 3 yrs we have both been going through ' stuff . Her mental health instability ++ unresolved trauma .. relationship breakdowns ..unmanageable work situations .
Me trauma PTSD ... In therapy healing and obs the m.e CFS . I've come to the point where I can't take her drama anymore and I'm seeing more and more she is v self centred , seems fake and pushes and pulls in our friendship by no contact and then piling it on , making and breaking plans or not even breaking just not letting me know .
I've worked to practice patience with her , set boundaries where I've needed to etc but now I just feel done ..
It's sad I don't want to lose another friend because my god I don't have a pool of them and she was my closet friend ..
But I can't see any way around it .
I'm a different person to when we met 7 yrs ago I've had a lot of healing and growth .... For her it seems the reverse .

Yes i do relate... I am in therapy and on medication so i am super open about it to her. she is not.. and i have highly recommended it to her because of unresolved family issues and all the drama she has in her life. It was fun being on the outside and hearing about all the drama she had.... but you notice patterns. "Why does she always have issues?" "Why is she always fighting with people?" "Why does she never take accountability?"

yes - making and breaking plans or not even breaking just not letting me know. A lot of times in the past we'd go on walks in the morning and she'd wake up late, never show up and I'd be there and walk alone. I stayed so calm and patient. I'd say oh its okay, brush it off. It could be very well she might have bpd, especially with unresolved trauma.

"Overall I feel this friend has a real lack of respect for our friendship and I often don't know if I'm her closet friend or she doesn't give a s**t . She appears hollow and fake and users people .
I've reached a level where my self care self love and who allow into my space is so important to me"

If she appears hollow and fake and uses people then this is not a healthy friendship. It is normal to feel crazy, or insane.

[Hazy111]

I should add for those who are experiencing this, is PDs or narcissists dont have real friends. They may appear to have them and for a long time since school etc.  But the friend is just "narcissistic supply"  .

You're there to provide what they need. It isnt reciprocal.  Any reciprocation is all cynical to ensure you keep "providing." Just like your pet cat rubbing your legs when youre about to feed them.

[blacksheep7]

I should add for those who are experiencing this, is PDs or narcissists dont have real friends. They may appear to have them and for a long time since school etc.  But the friend is just "narcissistic supply"  .

You're there to provide what they need. It isnt reciprocal.  Any reciprocation is all cynical to ensure you keep "providing." Just like your pet cat rubbing your legs when youre about to feed them.

Thank you for reminding us.  It was exhausting. I don't miss my friend, reminded me too much of my FOO's dysfunction.

I want to add that once we see, we can not unsee.  I've lost four 30+ year friendships in the last five years, it was longtime comming for some.  That is what Out of the FOG is all about, leaving unhealthy toxic people behind, no more people pleasing.

[Jolie40]

had a high school friend who developed BPD sometime after college
she got a lawyer & was able to get on disability

too much for me to maintain a close level of friendship
when I became a parent, she never once acknowledged it
her cards are addressed to husband & me only

I asked her mom about it & she said my friend was jealous that I had a child but she doesn't

we exchange Christmas cards yearly but that's it

[feralcat]

Ive lost friends over the past few years as well. And a 'close' relationship with a sister. 

Mainly because I got to realise they were virtually all one sided. Me chasing them. One way support, with little or no reciprocation. Even when I asked for support (rare for me, I've learned to be self sufficient probably to the point of not being a good thing) . My sister told me it was because I didn't ask loudly and persistently enough !

With better self reflection, and coming Out of the FOG, I realised I'd also got into a bad habit of being overhelpful and people pleasing. Probably due to living with a FOO who never paid me any attention. I cringe now when I think of it. So it's partly my bad. And they weren't all PDs, some of those I eventually had enough of were just plain users. But they possibly didn't realise that.

So ...my learning is to not pile in , to build up gradually.
It doesn't help with your situation , the backing away is the hard bit. I have to admit I ghosted. Not sure how else to do it ? A PD won't be aware enough to reflect on why. Aa 'bad friend' might, but is still someone I wouldn't like to hurt - unless they did something really bad.
And I wouldn't want to make myself vulnerable by trying to explain the  'why' of how I didn't want to just keep 'putting up with it'

Good luck

[Hazy111]

Jolie40 . I seriously doubt your friend developed BPD "after college."  PD is there from a young age. It isnt something you catch or develop over time . Its PERSONALITY Disorder. The personality is formed in the first 6 years of life.

[Jolie40]

do I have the wrong initials?
see now in glossary, bipolar is just BP, not BPD.....my mistake

It's Bipolar that she was diagnosed with & she's been hospitalized for it multiple times