Chronic avoidance of reality

[mary_poppins]

Hi guys.

I just noticed that for the past year, since I've decided to go NC with my FOO (I still live with them), I've started engaging in avoidance-like behaviours. Just so I can escape the gruelling reality of having narcissistic parents and dealing with them in any form. I think my mind is so incredibly depressed about the reality of the upcoming no contact (deep down I know that LC or VLC do not work 'cause I have tried before) that it tries to make me escape/avoid it. So, for the past year or so all I do daily is watch sitcoms or movies. TV shows that depict far away places and people who have healthy, exciting and interesting lives. I spend 80% of my time watching them and they do make me feel really good. Engaging with the storylines of these shows makes me feel as if I am part of those families or stories. It's fun.

I am sure most people watch TV to escape their lives but I do it every day for 7-8 hours a day and I can't stop. If I stop, I'll have to confront my empty, depressing, uneventful, lonely life thanks to my PD family. I know that I'm gonna go NC but even in this case, I'll be lonely and my life will be as uneventful and depressed. I really don't know how to stop. And how to process this larger-than-life depression regarding my abusive family.

I have no friends where I live and no one to socialise with. I had a friend but found out she has BPD so that triggered me badly. Now, I am very careful with meeting new people but..the drawback to this is loneliness. I have friends who live in other countries and we talk online but that is not enough. How can it be?

How do you deal with this issue-that's it if you have it. Should I go cold turkey on this TV addiction? And then confront my feelings for my family?
Let me know if you found something that worked for you.

[serenitycalm]

Hi Mary Poppins,

Do you have access to therapy? That could help you navigate.

I'm glad that you have folks to talk with online. I think online counts, we can feel connected, online communication counts.

Instead of going cold turkey with the TV shows you are enjoying, you could try simply adding in another activity. Can you get out to exercise? Even a walk around the block? For myself, this has worked well with habit change. I get myself busy with some other things. I feed my mind other information.

I don't know that you need to confront your feelings for your family, especially while you are still living with them. Your safety and well being comes first.

You do have the power. This may not feel true right now. But even seemingly small steps towards your new life make a difference.

Depression can make us feel that the future is bleak. But depression does not tell us the truth. There are other possibilities.

Check through The Toolbox here for some ideas and inspiration. Maybe try also some videos and books on recovery from dysfunctional families.

With TV, play around with ways to alternate your activities. Maybe you give yourself more relaxed TV viewing after you've gotten some exercise. Maybe you tackle a difficult task first and then can watch your shows.

I've gone through phases where I feel stuck, spend too much time online, experience depression anxiety and PTSD. Kicking myself outside for a walk around the block helps. Turning all screens off, unplugging them, and doing something else helps.

Another consideration, are you getting enough sleep? Screen time right before bed can make it difficult to sleep.

[mary_poppins]

Thanks, serenity calm. I could include light exercise or walking outside, there are some nice places I could go to. I could also check some books on dysfunctional families. I noticed that reading doesn't create as much anxiety/avoidance-related anxiety as TV does. I do sleep enough but go to bed late. I am open to starting a new antidepressant but that's after I go NC because, sincerely I don't think I'll handle the anxiety, panic and guilt of NC.

Online interactions count but having someone physically present with you that you could take a walk with or talk is so much better.

[serenitycalm]

I doom scroll too much sometimes. I get into anxiety hyper-vigilance avoidance triggered cycles. Sometimes I've been hard on myself about this, which of course doesn't help matters.

Light exercise helps. I also periodically read up on coping skills for those of us with dysfunctional families, though I have to monitor this, sometimes reading on those themes bothers me.

Figuring out projects helps me out too. I might even frame it as a Hero Quest of sorts. We survivors are heroes. I think about the obstacles that seem to block my first steps and work on those.

I so agree, time with people is best. I took small steps with this. I got more exercise and I also did what I could to be around people, like at the grocery store I relaxed and enjoyed being around people. Pandemic changes all this but some is still doable. Small steps work wonders. I then thought over my interests and looked over what type of group activity is available. Things like group bird watching events, group urban walks or rural hikes, finding local activities. These days this might initially be zoom meetings and forums, local focus may be best for this.

I wish you well on your journey. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I don't know if I'd call this chronic, since there is an acute explanation for it: your deciding to go NC with your parents (which sounds like it hasn't happened yet, but is imminent). I get that a year feels like a long time, and I also understand how this might feel like a maladaptive coping strategy, but I also think the fact that you are in somewhat of a "crisis mode" right now (not to mention pandemic-related isolation), it kind of makes sense that you'd be seeking out this kind of comfort.

Given that this is a fairly harmless coping strategy, I don't know that I would pick this particular scab or even worry about it much until you've actually gone NC AND had plenty of time to process the emotions around that. If you were doing something inherently risky (like binge drinking or using drugs), my advice would be entirely different.

Also, I do think it would be worth addressing the underlying feelings: the depression, the anxiety, the family trauma in therapy/counselling. If you can resolve some of that, then the need for this particular coping mechanism might kind of sort itself out, you know?

[Sneezy]

I have never had any success giving up, or even cutting back, on something.  The only success I've had is by replacing one activity with another.  For example, instead of turning on the TV while making dinner and then keeping it on all evening, I replaced some of that TV time with an after-dinner walk.  Instead of spending time online monitoring social media (which can be very depressing), I replaced some of that activity with working on jigsaw puzzles.  Instead of trying to give something up, try to think of something else fun that you'd like to do.  Fit that new, fun activity into your schedule and it will gradually push out other activities that you might want to cut back on.  Also, don't be too hard on yourself when it comes to TV.  Honestly, given the way the past two years have been, I'm sure we are all watching way more TV than we used to.  Covid cases are spiking in my area again, and I'm already queuing up my list of movies to watch, rather than going out, this weekend. 

[moglow]

If I were in a position where I had to live with mommie dearest again -and I was very near it not too many years back- I suspect it would set me back, make it harder for me to recoup and rebuild my life, destroy what sense of self I'd rebuilt. I'm sure I'd have gritted my teeth and pulled myself through, but it would be a struggle being again in her incessant chaos and negativity. So don't think for one minute I don't get where you're coming from. That said ...

I am sure most people watch TV to escape their lives but I do it every day for 7-8 hours a day and I can't stop. If I stop, I'll have to confront my empty, depressing, uneventful, lonely life thanks to my PD family.

Can you maybe work towards more balance - not shutting anything else out but perhaps add reading, taking classes/online courses or studies etc? I'll often have the tv on for background noise while I'm reading, cooking, etc but it's really easy for me to lose chunks of time if I'm binge watching or in that black hole my mind becomes at times. Heck I do that when reading too, so I totally get what you're saying. Reading was/is my escape and always has been - I can gauge my mental state at times by how much i read. Yes, it can be concerning and I know I need to find alternate means of entertaining myself.

I'm not trying to butt into your personals and you certainly don't have to answer but work with me here - if you're able to spend that much time watching tv, are you employed? I know the world is somewhat different because of the pandemic but you'll need income to support yourself and  becoming independent. Are there courses or projects you can invest in to build your career? Have you considered interning or volunteering in a field that interests you to build a better resume or make professional contacts?

I absolutely hold my mother responsible for the way I was raised, the abuse and the way she treated me and would continue to this day if I allowed it, but it's my responsibility as an adult to keep taking steps forward to free myself from what it did to me long term. I've made choices about my life just as she did and a great many of my own weren't healthy or good for me, even if they didn't harm others the way hers did. I owe it to myself to keep moving forward and refuse to stay mired in the mud where she'd like me to be! I want the same for you 

[M0009803]

I was in a similar situation as a long-term student due to some health problems I had.  My family made my life very difficult because they did not believe me (later confirmed by medical specialists that I had been right all along), so kept demanding that I perform to a higher standard. 

When this happens, you give up on life in many ways.  I did it by escaping my reality via TV.

You escape your reality by living vicariously through the feel good TV shows

I went through Gilmore Girls backwards and forwards.  Watched all the episodes multiple times.  Same with many other TV shows that offered the possibility of a better future.  I would watch TV 12+ hours/day.   Sometimes even more.

I now know this was a form of depression.

All I can say is that it can get better.  My road was long, but over time, you can make changes for the better.

[pianissimo]

I think that, so long as you have your goals set on the side, distracting yourself through watching TV might not be so harmful.  TV shows have been my lifeline as long as I know myself. Good ones actually show how to process feelings, respond to some situations, understand what people are about in some way. If you don't get these from your family, you get it from somewhere else.

In my case, I divide my time slots as action and relaxation. If there is something difficult to do, I make time to do them, then, to switch off, I watch something. Sometimes, I don't want to switch off, so I do something stimulating, like listening to music.

If you need a bit of excitement, you could make plans that would excite you. But, I suppose the pandemic makes this challenging.

As a side note, most of the exciting things I did, I set out to do them solo. I traveled alone, I went to restaurants alone, I went to beach alone. Doing these things on my own made me nervous, but, then they became great stories. Whatever you want to do, don't wait for company. Try to figure out ways to do them alone. There were times I started out my trips solo, then I met people. Going on adventures alone is a lot easier when they are about things you are genuinely interested.

[mary_poppins]

Given that this is a fairly harmless coping strategy, I don't know that I would pick this particular scab or even worry about it much until you've actually gone NC AND had plenty of time to process the emotions around that. If you were doing something inherently risky (like binge drinking or using drugs), my advice would be entirely different.

I understand but it's still an addiction. I just finished another few hours of my favourite TV show and I feel anxious and tired mentally. It's a coping strategy for sure because life in contact is pure nightmare.

[mary_poppins]

I'm not trying to butt into your personals and you certainly don't have to answer but work with me here - if you're able to spend that much time watching tv, are you employed? I know the world is somewhat different because of the pandemic but you'll need income to support yourself and becoming independent. Are there courses or projects you can invest in to build your career? Have you considered interning or volunteering in a field that interests you to build a better resume or make professional contacts?

No, I am not employed, otherwise, I wouldn't be living with mommy dearest. The thing is, mommy dearest, while in contact always made me feel guilty for earning money and spending it on me, so I'd give money to her. Just these days she hinted at giving her money (again) from the salary I will earn. She does this with my brothers, too if u can imagine. She asks them for money 'cause she doesn't work.

So, my plan is to get a job in another city and then go NC. Having a job while living with her would be a disaster.  Idk about other controlling narc mothers, but mine would be capable of going into my wallet and take money from me.

There are no volunteering opportunities in my city.

[mary_poppins]

M0009803-Gilmore Girls It's my favourite show, I've watched it, too, several times.
Lorelei is the type of mother I wanted to have (although she too is unhealthy as a mother), she cracks me up 90% of the time.