The need to answer nosy questions

[Cascade]

I always feel like I need to answer the questions that people ask me. Even nosy questions from nosy people. I  answer them automatically before I even stop to think if it is a question I should even answer. Does anyone know why this is? I feel like it's probably a flaw within me.

[Worthy of Care]

This isn't a direct answer to your question, but I wonder if it would be helpful to have a list of vague/non-specific answers or questions to say in response. There are several websites that give options if you think that might be helpful. I would say that you are not under obligation to answer someone's questions.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Cascade!

This! I have experienced this as well... That horrible feeling of helplessness and violation, yuck!

My guess is that it's an ingrained, trained response. So of course it's not easy for us to 'just say no' when we've been raged at/verbally abused/insulted/threatened with violence if we don't comply and answer questions right away from infancy.

PDs are controlling and a lifetime of being subjected to little interrogations in order to dig out information that can then be used to control and use against us means that we have to work to learn it's okay for us to say no.

As I've also struggled with this, I've found this page incredibly helpful, it's written from a lawyers perspective with a wary certainty that some people are digging around to find information to hurt you. Tips include changing the topic, firing a question back, asking 'why do you ask?' - I've started using this one - it's great because you can use it quite innocently in a friendly tone, but you're still totally putting myself back in a powerful position 

http://bucketorange.com.au/how-to-avoid-nosy-or-personal-questions/

"someone knows intimate details about your personal life, financial or career situation, for example, they not only have an insight into what makes you tick, but are also in a powerful position to use that information against you immediately or in the future."

Best wishes on this journey! You're not alone 



You may also want to check out 'people pleasing' books like 'the disease to please' can help, this is a very common coping mechanism for survivors of PD families, so getting to the heart of not needing approval could also help

[notrightinthehead]

For me it is a boundary issue. My boundaries were violated in my FOO and FOC. Intrusive or nosy questions made me feel uncomfortable but I felt the need to answer them anyway.  Somehow I felt I was being rude - not pleasing - when I did not answer.
In the last few years I have managed to slow down my responses, just long enough to tap into to my inner feelings, and when I am uncomfortable I slow down even more. I also use the "interesting that you should ask this question" as suggested by Jollyjazz a lot. It helps to play for time and allows me to decide if I think it is safe to answer that question or not.

[losingmyself]

YES!
Help! I freeze up, too. Sometimes the questions are just downright inappropriate from my FIL, and I am floored! I am following, to get some good replies. Mostly now I just give him a look and say "What???"
He asked me once if my DS and his roommate were "sharing" his roommate's new wife.  Are you f-ing kidding me???

[pianissimo]

I have a similar problem. The thing about me is, sometimes, a topic feels neutral or impersonal, but, as I continue to talk about it, I regret getting into the conversation. I suppose, one thing I fail to do is, I don't notice insincerity or sarcasm in conversations that are supposed to be small talk. I suppose, this happens often enough to make me wonder if I'm in the autism spectrum (I checked, I don't seem to fit into the criteria, but, who knows). When I notice the talk is twisted to gratify the other person in some way, it feels too late. I have already given some information. I realise the sarcasm or some other purpose after the conversation happens, like "Wait, why would she say that?" Here, I can't tell if this situation is about the weakness of my boundaries or the extent of spitefulness in the other person. Either ways, I try not to make it about me.  I do try to reduce information received by these kinds of individuals, but, I accept the fact that, I have this vulnerability in conversations, and there is not much I can do about it. 

[Cascade]

I wonder if it would be helpful to have a list of vague/non-specific answers or questions to say in response.

Yes, this is a great idea, if only I could figure out how to get these to pop into my head before I answer a question! I don't have any PD's in my FOO so I think this might be connected to me being a people pleaser, or maybe something I learned from living with my PDh for many years. Thanks for all your replies and tips.

[bloomie]

Cascade - I can very much relate to what you describe in your responses to intrusive questions. For waaaaay too long I didn't understand I could learn verbal parrying skills and develop techniques to ward off this kind of thing.

I was raised in an atmosphere where total transparency was required in every area of my life into adulthood. I truly didn't understand I didn't have to answer or how to deflect.

So, I didn't develop tools or awareness in this area - I had a developmental type of gap in that made me vulnerable to opportunistic people. Oh, boy did it! I had been quite painfully taught that withholding requested information was disrespectful and rude.

One of the most opportunistic, manipulative and dangerous people that have come into my adult life as a young adult gained entry through intrusive questions and aggressive behaviors I had no skills to deflect. This person was able to really harm me through the info she gathered by intrusive, outrageous questions that I answered though incredibly uncomfortable. I am still embarrassed when I think of it.

Two things are key for me as I continue to strengthen my resolve and hone my verbal skills - Be true to my own nature - it is my nature to be open and friendly. So, how to answer an intrusive question that I encountered recently from a complete stranger in a public setting in front of a group of strangers: "How much did you pay for that?" with: "Oh, I am not one who talks about things like that." Was friendly, but firm. Did the stranger like my answer? Nope. Definitely took an offended posture. But, would I let a complete stranger open up my wallet and go through it? Nope. So, why would I auto respond to a question that for me was none of their biz?

The other thing was to learn to listen to and trust my gut and hold my ground. I think we all could fill the pages of Out of the FOG with the times we didn't do that and the harm that came our way because we overrode our own sense of caution and gave over to someone who is not safe. It is imperative we learn these skills and encourage each other to strengthen our boundaries in the areas that make us vulnerable.

I also recognize that what is intrusive to me may not be for someone else. So, responding firmly and with grace is an empowered and mannerly place to live. I continue to learn and grow in this area and so admire those I see that have a well developed, innate sense of ownership over their personal lives and have such easy grace in their responses.

A resource of free YouTube teaching that has been so helpful for me is actually developed for the workplace, but the tools and phrases offered work in all kinds of social and work situations for someone like me that can stumble and bumble about if I don't have strategies I have thought through and used until they become a natural expression of me. I like Dan O'Connor's teaching because his starting gate position is one of kindness and love. That resonates with me and may with you, too. He also makes it silly and fun.

https://www.youtube.com/c/OnlineCommunicationSkillsTrainingCourses (this is a link to free vids that I have learned a lot from - he does offer classes which I have never subscribed to and am not in any way promoting his paid content via his website.  Just a disclaimer.)

[Cascade]

Thank you bloomie! I'll check out the videos.

[Jolie40]

I "try" to ignore people when they ask a rude question & just don't answer
if I don't ignore them, afraid that I might say something I shouldn't

I used to be super quiet when younger & rarely spoke
as I get older, I speak up more and lean towards telling the truth w/o softening it

[GentleSoul]

I always feel like I need to answer the questions that people ask me. Even nosy questions from nosy people. I  answer them automatically before I even stop to think if it is a question I should even answer. Does anyone know why this is? I feel like it's probably a flaw within me.

Thank you for bringing up this subject, Cascade.

I have a similar issue, I think for me it is due to childhood training that I had no right to privacy.  The alcoholic/PD family of origin was so enmeshed and in everyone elses business.  No boundaries, all overlapped.  I didn't know where I started and others ended.

In my personal growth work I started to realise that I had the right to privacy.   So I started to pause a lot more during conversations with people.  The pause gave me chance to know if I actually wanted to answer any questions or not.

I had automatically always answered everything before.

Now with intrusive questions, I just don't reply or if they push I will ask why they want to know.

The biggest help to me was me identifying who asked them.  Then considered if I even wanted them in my life anyway.  I feel people being overly intrusive usually come along with other unhealthy behaviours.  Part of a package.

As I was writing on another thread, once I stopped giving what these people wanted, they gradually faded out of my life anyway. 

[Cascade]

Thanks gentle soul. I need to learn to pause and think before answering. The , person that "inspired" this post is a coworker. Most of the time we work different shifts but sometimes she comes in early. I think you're right about these people having other unhealthy behaviours also, which I can see in her too.