Need your help communicating with (u)NPD sister

[Healing Finally]

Hi all 

I so appreciate the support from you all over the past 5 years, as I am grateful to have found clarity on my family dysfunctional dynamics and eventual discovery of my c-ptsd (which I get support from Out of the Storm.)   

I now could REALLY use your help.  After 7.5 years of being removed from the family, at the request of my (u)NPD sister, I am back in the picture; sort-of.  5 months ago I moved in with my 89 year old mother as she now requires full time support.  Unfortunately she is totally enmeshed with my (u)NPD sister as she was raised (trained) by a narcissistic mother, and therefore cannot defend herself with my sister; forever given in to her needs/wants (hence how I developed the emotional trauma as I never could understand as a child why my mother would say yes to my sister and no to me.)

My sister still will not speak to me, or come over to visit Mom when I am here.  She invited the family to her house over Xmas eve, and not me (so I went north to visit my son.)

Over Christmas I reached out to to my sister (within a Christmas card) asking if we could meet with a therapist to help us and the family heal.  Also I mentioned that our mother has suffered greatly and how much she would appreciate having us together again.  I had a friend review the letter before I sent it.  I apologized again for my actions that upset her (angry/triggered rant to my BIL who shared it with my Mom and her) and explained how I have learned about my triggers. 

Yesterday I received a response from her within email.  I now understand my mistake of showing any vulnerability to her.  Her opening remark was thanking me for taking responsibility to why our family is no longer together.  She then went into what happened AS IF IT WAS YESTERDAY,  blaming me and admonishing me and ended the email saying how she is in a healthy place (stealing my words about how I feel I am in a healthy place) and doesn't want to see me because she thinks I need more therapy. 

So, where do I go from here?    I know not to respond back with any type of defense as that just plays into her game.  I'd like to say that if she wants any answers from me, it is most appropriate to have this discussion within the therapist's office so that there are no misunderstandings.  I'd like to also say these questions should have come from her 7.5 years ago, but I have a feeling if I add any negative comments towards her behavior it will only make things worse.

What do I want?  I no longer seek a relationship with my sister, I just want to remove myself from the position of blame; especially when I'm living and taking care of our mother!  I need my sister's help!  She will give our mother rides to doctors appointments (after going out to lunch) but that is all she does.  She has never offered to come over to help with projects so I'm not holding my breath on that one.  But, there are times that I know I will need to talk to her about our mother; and I am trying to open the door to that possibility. 

Fortunately her oldest son has been coming over and visiting with us (there was a time when her two sons felt they couldn't contact me) and recently he suggested we have a family get together when my son comes down later this month (knowing that my sister wouldn't come.)  If my sister continues to refuse to see or speak to me, at least I feel support from them now. 

The piece that is missing of course is my mother stating that she wants her family together, but she is unable to do this.  I know I should not take on responsibility for her inabilities 

I just want to be healthy and happy.  - so I'd like to respond saying I'm primarily asking for a meeting so we can be there for our mother, as I need her help.

Appreciate any suggestions, comments, criticisms, etc.  - thank you 

[daughter]

Without knowing background story, my 1st question is why your mother would go to your sister's home for Christmas, knowing you're specifically excluded: 1st, it's cold-hearted to do so, rather than for mom to say "now be civil, invite her too, or I won't come"; 2nd, you're her daughter and live-in caregiver, not 3rd-party hired-help to "stay home". 

If your personal priorty was visiting your son anyways, then sis' pettiness is duly noted.  You may not get "reengagement", but so long as you're caregiver, then everyone needs to be civil, cooperative, and appreciative of work-effort entailed --- and that's how I suggest phrasing it, to nsis, to her adult kids, and yes, to your mother, who has culpability here too for this situation. Please remember that your efforts here might not be appreciated unless you specifically flag them to all relevant parties. Sound like mom and nsis are quite happy for you to do the heavy-lifting "work", while nsis gets to socialize, at her schedule, and "gets mom" for festivities.

7 years of ostracizing by both nsis and mom?  Now nonetheless live-in elder-care for same enabling parent? That's not "family".  To me, seems like strategic exploitation of "free labor", under guise of faux "reconciliation" by mom, and just more shunning, and more bad behavior antics, from nsis. 

Please reexamine situation here; I'm only responding to this one post, which alarms me. Best wishes to you.

[Healing Finally]

Thank you daughter for your reply 

A little bit more of the "background story", earlier last year my mother gave notice at her 2-bedroom rental as she could no longer afford it.  This was a rash decision as there was no place for her to move (that she could afford.)  As I was single and retired, I decided to temporarily move in with her to help with the rent until we found another place for her (and the owner is happy to keep us.)  But, due to her lack of funds, and nothing available for seniors with limited income, I am still here.  It also is apparent that she now does require someone living with her, due to her anxiety and limited ability to make rational decisions.  The word "caretaker" is not used, even though I provide a lot of support.

It is tricky re: the 7 years of ostracizing, as it is my sister and "her family" that have kept me out of the picture.  I've been in touch with my mother over this time, but she does not have the strength to say to my sister that I should not be excluded, even now that I am living with her.  I try to not take this personally as I know she has major issues with asking for her own needs from my sister; she just can't do it.

All I want at this point is to be able to talk to my sister about my mother and feel like we are a united front.  I am pushing this now to the forefront because if she continues to blame me for the family split and not talk to me, and if my mother cannot stand up for me; then I feel I will need to make a statement that this is an unhealthy family dynamic and I will need to move out.  Where this leaves my mother is a complete toss up.  She has major abandonment issues (abandoned by both mother and father as a child) and I don't want to do that to her.

Thank you   

[Healing Finally]

Appreciate this, and will keep in mind when/if contacting my sister again...

"...so long as you're caregiver, then everyone needs to be civil, cooperative, and appreciative of work-effort entailed"

[Healing Finally]

Hi all,  - thought to give an update, in case anyone is reading this (as I only got one reply.) 

I am not going to respond back to my sister's email as I know she will not change  . It is pointless to entertain the idea that she would do the right thing for our mother. 
I am also going to find a new therapist to discuss my living situation with my mother, so that I am fully taking care of myself. 

"daughter" I very much appreciate your reply. 

[daughter]

Your welcome!

And I'll note both your mom and your sis need to "do right" for you too.  Still think live-in situation is too convenient for them, w/o any thought regarding how their past choices have impacted you. Me, I'd be less accommodating, and more reflective upon my own emotional needs. Best wishes to you!