I feel like a motherless child

[MIB]

I am increasingly coming to terms with the fact that my uPD mother is mentally ill and that I'll never have a very loving, caring and "normal" relationship with her (my father, who I believe was a uNPD, died earlier last year).

I often feel like a motherless child. I'm curious how others deal with those types of feelings?

Thanks for your support,
MIB

[11JB68]

I chose NC with FOO years ago and have definitely felt like an orphan

[Call Me Cordelia]

I have been NC for a few years, but honestly I don't relate much to feeling like a motherless child as a general thing. The times I have wished I had a mother were the times when I have needed extra care in one way or another. I had a baby, I was dealing with a chronic illness, I was lonely after moving to a new place. In the distant past I would have reached out to my mother hoping for what would have been normal motherly care and support, only to receive some version of, "Well don't expect me to solve your problems for you! You made your bed now lie in it." I learned I could not rely on her or any FOO long before I was ready to cut ties. I have worked to build up reciprocal supportive friendships and FOC in real life, which honestly I consider an essential form of self care. Not that I wish to be mercenary and transactional in relationships with other people, and not everyone needs or wants a committed partner, but the fact is we do need community.

I feel more "orphaned" when I see other people who DO have close relationships with FOO. I feel jealous then, even though I have been quite content and grateful for the life I have. What I have is good, but if I'm not careful I can slip into considering the reality as necessarily inferior to "what ought to have been."

How I deal with it, I limit interactions with other people's extended families. In the past we were invited to spend major holidays with friends and their grandparents. Thank you kindly, but I really do prefer to be "just us" at Christmas. Just being honest about how I feel takes away a lot of the angst about it. Of course I would grieve my FOO! I was worried they'd be offended, but my friends more than understood.

I also read Joel 2. Basically the Lord's "Build Back Better," promise. ("I will redeem the years the locust has eaten.")

[pianissimo]

I feel that way too.

One way to deal with the feeling has been to reparent myself. This makes up for the absence a bit because, I think even good mothers can lack some skills to meet their kids' needs.

Also, when I feel sad about it, I let myself feel sad about it. If I feel like crying, I make time to cry about it. Re-parenting helps with handling the sadness around it too.

[JustKathy]

I don't know that I can really answer the question of how I've dealt with it. I think the better word is that I've just accepted it.

I left home at 18 and only saw my Nmother on Christmas Day when we had the phony "family" celebration. I was under the silent treatment off-and-on for most of my life so not having a loving mother was normal for me from a young age. I do get very depressed around Mother's Day and other times when people are celebrating how much they love their own mothers. And I don't know what to say when friends start gushing about their wonderful moms. The trouble I have during those times is that I just don't understand it. Having that kind of love from a mother is something I simply can't relate to.

So I guess I've just been coasting through life with the acceptance of not having a mother. It's been a bit harder with my enFather and lost siblings because I once believed they loved me. I knew from birth that my Nmother didn't love me so being motherless was just always how it was.

[Hilltop]

I acknowledge the feelings, cry if you feel like it, get angry if you need to.  I sometimes feel empty around it and at other times bewilderment especially when I look around and see friends families who appear normal, well they are able to spend time together.  There is a sense of loss for what I won't be able to have with my parents.

I guess learning to accept that it is what it is.  We can't change this, it's disappointing.

[Liketheducks]

Grieving someone you should have had, a parent who is still alive  - but hasn't ever been the parent you deserved....is HARD.   I'm VLC with both parents....and that suits my mental health so much better than lots of contact.   But, it took me years to get over missing my mother, who in reality wasn't really the mother she nor I thought she was.   
Reparenting has been what's pulled me through.   

[freedom77]

Yes I feel motherless. And I am. Yes a female gave birth to me, as all mammals can say. But a functioning reproductive system does not make you a mother, it confirms fertility. Reproduction capability, and being a mother for one's entire life, are two totally different circumstances. My mother also says things like, "Don't expect me to solve your problems" or other uncaring sentiments. Also very big on victim shaming, blaming me for things beyond my control, or pointing out how stupid I am.

Until I got older and realized it was not only a waste of my time, but only added to my hurt, to involve her or confide in her about situations I was in.

It is indeed lonely, and I get envious of others who have these caring, comforting moms. I wish I did, but I don't and that's just the sucky deck I was dealt. I've struggled, and still do sometimes, but I've gotten to a point, now in my 40s, that I really just have me. And you know what, that really is everyone's truth. Even those who have those great moms, those great moms can pass away suddenly, and who do they have then....themselves, just like us. So you really just gotta build a strong sense of self, and always be there for yourself.

[Pepin]

I was motherless from a young age -- and I struggled to grieve for her.  It was really more about the situation and seeing others with their mothers that triggered me.  But alone, I was actually ok with how things were.  Until I was finally able to do some inner child work right before turning 50.  And there was the answer: she had already abandoned me as a mother before she passed.  This happened for several reasons but probably the strongest reason is because she herself was being abused by my father.  That angst had to come out somewhere and it landed on me, the oldest child.  Of course her attention was mainly toward my younger siblings as she was struggling to manage.  And then her life was taken, poof.  I am certain that my real grieving happened right before she passed when I was very young.  I spent a lot of time alone in addition to being placed in daycare.  Those times of playing alone in the house and yard prepared me for her death and for who I would become.  I've never been alone in my own company.  But, others have made me feel alone through their actions.  I can easily admit that I am fatherless however.  I have spent decades grieving and he is still alive.  I healed some time ago during NC and he is free to go anytime.