FOO ignored child many times

[Jolie40]

since I was SG, it seemed FOO also treated my child different than other grandkids

for example, before going NC, found out every Aug, there was a grandkid sleepover
it was a tradition according to one family member

our child was never invited except for the very last one & it was a last minute invite
I think someone finally spoke up & asked "where's our kid"

PD parent missed at least 1/2 or more of our child's b'day celebrations but never, ever missed any of other grandkids
last time, didn't even bother to give an excuse...just emailed 2 mos before child's b'day & said won't attend!

[Jolie40]

know I'm NC now but that really shouldn't affect our kid

did break NC in December with one sibling
we were talking by phone & she mentioned another sibling gave her a check to buy Christmas gifts for her multiple kids

so I thought that sibling would also mail a check for our one child for Christmas
nope....no check came for our child

don't know why but this really bugs me

[serenitycalm]

Jolie40, this would bother me too. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Do you need to also limit contact with your siblings for your own well being?

In your situation, I might need to maintain NC with FOO, at least for awhile, so I can get a chance to recover from being in the SG position.

[Hilltop]

Jollie40 I let out a little 'woah' in disappointment as I read your post.  This shunning and snubbing of your kids is the SG role being played out in your adulthood and you are certainly not deserving of that.  You were not deserving of that when you were younger either but to see it still being so blatantly carried out and passed on to your children, makes my heart ache a little for you.

I remember being snubbed at a dinner after a family funeral and the feelings of disappointment, betrayal, hurt.  The fact that the PD parent won't attend child's birthday party leaves me a little speechless. 

I would be asking yourself what does contact bring you with your FOO?  What good comes from this?  I am not sure contact with your sibling is supportive.  It sounds like she took the opportunity to remind you once again of what you are missing out on, she took the time to mention the cheques she was getting from your other sibling, that you were not getting.  She is doing the same pattern the other family members are doing where they exclude you and then let you know about it.  Unfortunately this sibling is no better than the others and appears happy to continue with the SG role.

I would say if continued contact continues to bring hurt then I would continue NC.  Your FOO have shown that they will continue the SG role with your kids and they may be too young now to notice it but I would protect them from that as they grow up and become aware of what is going on.  You were open to your family being in your kids lives and quite frankly your FOO have shown complete disregard to having a relationship with them.  Your parent won't even come to a birthday party.  This is nothing about you but says everything about them as people.

The pattern seems to be to do something hurtful or excluding to you and then drop it in conversation.  I wonder if that's why you kid was suddenly invited.  With that invite you found out it was a tradition, that your kid had been excluded all along. Why even tell you it was a tradition, if the invite was done with kindness, they would have simply invited your kid however they didn't, they used the invite to once again show you where you have been excluded.  I am so sorry for how painful this must feel.  I would honestly go NC.

[Jolie40]

Jolie40, this would bother me too. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

thanks serenity calm!

[Jolie40]

but to see it still being so blatantly carried out and passed on to your children, makes my heart ache a little for you.

thanks Hilltop!

that is the tough part, seeing my child hurt
PD parent said she could visit a couple times & then called 15 min later to cancel
my kid cried both times so we gave up on trying to have child visit alone with PD parent

child knows she was treated different than other grandkids as it was always so obvious

[nanotech]

I'm sorry you've been though this. Me too. Youngest daughter used to ask why she never went sleepover at her grandparents house when so many of her friends went to theirs . I didn't used to question it!! My  parents were like this with all of the grandkids, sister's included , so I just used to tell myself they just weren't very 'hands on'.
Then my UNPDGC brother aquired a  7 year old stepson, and suddenly he was sleeping over at my parents lots and lots.
It seemed petty to point anything out- but didn't they see it themselves?  These actions give pain to us.

[nanotech]

I'm sorry you've been though this. Me too. Youngest daughter used to ask why she never went sleepover at her grandparents house when so many of her friends went to theirs . I didn't used to question it!! My  parents were like this with all of the grandkids, sister's included , so I just used to tell myself they just weren't very 'hands on'.
Then my UNPDGC brother aquired a  7 year old stepson, and suddenly he was having days out and sleepovers at my parent's house. As if that had always been the way with them.
It seemed petty and jealous to point it  out- but didn't they see it themselves?  The unfairness? These actions give pain to us.
( he was a lovely little lad by the way- still is!)

[daughter]

I've one sibling, GC "princess" nsis, our nmom's mini-me doppelgänger.  My parents and nsis' family went on many exotic expensive exciting vacations, child-friendly, always with my kids (and us) uninvited.  My wealthy parents could easily afford taking our two kids, but nope, not ever, though similar in age to their cousins!  Nope, my kids got the PowerPoint slideshow of "best vacation ever!!", year after year.

Lots of enforced family dinner after dinner, my kids listening to grandma and aunt nsis brag and brag and brag, while we sat there like cardboard cutout characters at their npd-saturated three-ring circus show.  Our NC decision occurred when oldest DS was in HS, too late to mitigate the self-image issues resulting from that frequent exposure to my npd-enmeshed FOO family.

As NC adult, I realize my parents did this same stuff to nmom's only sibling, my SG aunt, and her family. Assumed this was "normal" when I was a kid, somewhat bothered by it as a teenager, and awkwardly aware of it as young adult, but too fearful to meaningfully intervene. (Nmom always accused me of "loving aunt more than her".)  Well, perhaps I was responding to where the apparent nurture and love was available - from my aunt, certainly not nmom.