Are there strategies to implement when going to a small gathering with PDSIL's?

[Love]

I am going to attend the 90th birthday of my DH's grandmother, or I think I am going.  We have had VLC with the entire family and NC with Dh's sisters.  My SIL's have ALWAYS spewed hate at everyone, they take great pleasure and pride in how mean they can be.  To be honest I am scared about going.  My Dh thinks it's the last time he will see his grandmother and she wants to see our children. 

Can people who have experienced this type of situation give me advice on things I can do to feel safe and sain during this 2 hour party? 

[Hazy111]

Dont go

[bloomie]

Love - some occasions are part of our life package. This seems like it may be one of those. I have a sil who may be the opposite with the same result... she has a sickeningly sweet facade that hides an angry, controlling, divisive person. Hits many of the traits of HPD and NPD. Another one not easy to be in close physical contact for a few hours and whose outrageous behaviors are enabled by the larger family system.

Here are some things that have helped me a lot.

I stay stuck like glue to my DH and/or kids. (mine are adults) I do not ever allow myself to be caught alone or off guard with sil. I have on my imaginary kevlar vest that protects my heart, my best chill cocktail party demeanor. I arrive exactly on time or slightly after it begins and leave early and quickly without any fan fare or drama after the minimum of respectful time. With my own sil she has almost exactly a 60 minute window of fairly acceptable behavior. That's it. So, any amount of time beyond that is dicey.

If a seated dinner, I absolutely never sit opposite or in direct line of vision of my sil. She is so aggressive I feel like she is going to take a bite out of my face. I can't explain it any other way. Voracious appetite and hunger for attention, opportunity, info gathering from me specifically (I don't know why me, but confirmed by others totally unsolicited, a heat seeking missile for my attention)... seriously painfully uncomfortable to be in her line of sight or within ear shot. In other contexts it would be easily recognized as an inappropriate vying for attention, but in this case who the heck knows what motivates what is a stalking like behavior.

I get busy taking pictures of the event, if appropriate. Two reasons, I love to and it gives me a reason to put something between myself and sil and be on the move. "Oh, excuse me, she is blowing out her candles." and off I go.

I get lost in the crowd and linger with those that I am comfortable with and that I enjoy.

I always take my sense of humor with me. As soon as my sil sweeps into the room I say to myself: "It's shoooooowwwww time!" to start me off with a lighthearted view of things and then just observe and refuse to engage in the show.

I also remember that an event like this is not about me, my sil, or my DH. It is about honoring your DH's grandmother - who it seems you have love and regard for. Staying focused on the reason we gather has been really helpful for me. Also, having kids with you or part of the party is a really easy way to stay out of the swirl that can be these kinds of events. I hang with the littles a lot at these kinds of things.

I also leave time and space to process and recover from a extended in law family shindig afterwards. I am finding I need less and less time for that these days.

Just some thoughts from me to you. I have had to learn not to let this be a specter over anything. I have had to learn to not give over power, or circumstances, or my enjoyment of life's sentinel events that matter to me and my DH to someone who does not love me or mean me well.

We are stronger than we know and don't have to live in fear! You have got this!!! And we are here for you.

[Cat of the Canals]

I think Bloomie nailed one of the key strategies: avoid being alone with your SIL. If you do find yourself alone with her and think you're about to become bait, quickly excuse yourself to the bathroom or say, "Oh, I just remembered I left my [blank] in the car."

Should you still get caught, have some broad Medium Chill responses ready to go. One of my personal favorites is, "I don't know what you mean. Could you explain that?" or "That's interesting. I wonder why you think that." In my experience, PDs aren't use to having to explain their abusive little snipes, and they get kind of flustered when you put it back on them.

If they are openly mean, it sounds like they enjoy getting a reaction out of people. You could try not giving one at all. Just cool silence in response. PDs often don't know what to do with silence either.

[Hilltop]

The others have given great strategies.  I would say keep the focus on DH's grandmother and your DH.  I would say this will mean a lot to your DH so keep the focus on making it a nice 2 hours for him, that will hopefully take some of the focus off the sisters.  You are VLC with the most of the family so spend your time talking with them.  I would avoid the sisters entirely. Although you don't want to focus on them, I would keep a periphery view of them.  If you catch a glimpse of them coming up to your group I would quickly excuse yourself, "oh I need another drink, does anyone need one', 'Oh I'm off to the bathroom', 'oh excuse me', I am sure you can think of more.  If you get caught by one of them as you are moving around just a quick 'Oh xyz I'll catch up later I just have to go to the bathroom', or 'I am just getting a refill, can I get you one', then move away and never return.  Just be on the move, so they can't pin you down.  If the family group is not this big, then try not to be sitting or standing next to them, have other people around you.

I would have some quick comebacks for anything they say such as 'that's interesting', 'if you think so', and if they are really openly rude I would actually say "that's quite rude and unnecessary', then I would walk away.  Or say it and then stare at them.  PD's don't like being put on the spot.  If they come back with 'oh it's just a joke' and laugh then don't even smile and say 'if you think so'.  This leaves it with them.  If they continue I would simply say 'Its grandmothers birthday, lets keep it focused on that, excuse me' and walk away. 

You can also use your children as multiple excuses, saying that you are going to check on the kids, the kids need a drink, the kids need food etc. I would say the hardest situation will be if it's a sit down meal and you are placed next to his sisters.  In this case, let them talk and use grey rock techniques the entire time. 

If you try to stay near family that are ok hopefully there will be enough pleasant chats for an ok visit.  You say you are scared about going.  I think a lot of the time we are scared of that confrontation that PD's seem to like to force.  You don't have to stand there mutely accepting anything they throw your way.  Think of yourself wrapped in protective bubble wrap or having some other form of armour to protect yourself.  If you respond calmly and almost in a bored manner, you can shut down anything negative they say and move on.  If it does get too much just excuse yourself and go and take a 5 minute break in the bathroom.

You've got this, you'll be great.

[Love]

Thank all of you for being so encouraging and kind.  I feel much calmer and will probably need to reread these as we go through the week and the event gets closer.  I feel like I get stuck in my head and start having imagined conversations with my sils.  My stomach hurts and my heart is humming as I start to go over the abusive mean behavior they spew on everyone. 

I want to keep my composer and focus on allowing dh to enjoy his grandmother and my kids, I hope, see me be kind. 

Thank you for the advice and please if you think of more keep it coming.  The birthday will be small, so not to many people, I've had cordial and pleasant exchanges with my in-laws and that is something as my mil is the leader and perpetrator.  The sils are her flying monkey, but are seriously scaring in their own right.  I want to be polite, move about like a very difficult moving target.  I also want to have a sense that I'm ok and they don't get to me, if that is possible! 

[Hilltop]

Yep it is hard to walk into a group of these types and not feel nervous.  A small group will be harder to keep moving so I would try to remain in a group that includes other people, not just MIL and SIL's, if you get cornered just use an excuse and move on. 

The fact that you have empathy to want the party to go nicely for your DH shows what a wonderful caring person you are.  You don't need a sense of being ok, really look at yourself, you ARE ok, more than ok.  Their opinion of you, doesn't have to be your opinion.  They can have a mean attitude, it doesn't sound like you agree with that attitude so leave it with them.  What they think of you simply isn't fact.  And lets face it, nothing you do will affect how they think about you so you may as well just be yourself at the party and enjoy others whilst grey rocking the sisters.

If all else fails have an image in your head of them turning into the hulk or some other ridiculous theme, someone here recently mentioned a Patronus charm from Harry Potter, have some cartoon character and if you see the behaviour start up just stand there and picture them turning into the hulk or some other cartoon character or silently do a Patronus Charm to yourself.  I mean lets face it, if you concentrate on that it may take the sting out of it, give you a bit of distance and you can take a few breaths before you calmly excuse yourself. 

Good luck, I feel for you, it's not easy.

[Alexmom]

Consider not going as a really valid option, Your DH can go with the kids.  That was how I handled my boorish, hateful IL side.  I declined the invite and made much better use of my time.

[Thru the Rain]

A couple of practical suggestions:

- Try to stay on your feet. Makes it so much easier to just ease away from people you don't want to interact with if you're not trapped in a seated position. Wear comfortable shoes in case you want to spend the whole couple hours on your feet.

- If you can stay standing, if its a restaurant setting for example, then make sure you're not hemmed in at the back of a booth where people will need to get up to let you out. Make sure you have easy access from your chair to the door.

- Drive separately from your DH, or at a minimum hold the car keys. If you need to leave early, he can always call a ride share service or taxi to get himself home later. Or if it's too far for him to potentially ride-share home, set up a secondary location like a coffee shop and tell DH "if I leave early, I'll be at the coffee shop on the corner of 1st and Main" or a similar pre-arranged location. Somewhere you won't mind spending some time if you have to wait for him.

- Give yourself permission to take time-outs. Get up to get some fresh air. Or if the event is outside, step inside to get warm. Take a walk, spend some time in the bathroom, wander into the bar area to watch whatever sporting event is on TV.

- Will there be anyone attending who you're looking forward to seeing? Contact them in advance and let them know how much you're looking forward to catching up - but save any of the actual catching up for the party. This will keep you engaged with people who aren't your sisters in law.

- Come prepared with a bunch of very bland, universal conversation starters - and then throw them out to strike up an alternate conversation with anyone besides your sisters in law.  "What do you think about fill-in-the-blank - TV Show / Movie / Music / Traffic / Sports Team / Construction on the way here / Weather / Current (but boring) Event?"

- Is there anything at all you would be willing to talk about with your sisters in law? Maybe one of them has a talent for needlework or bowling or anything. Think in advance about topics you may suggest if you find yourself trapped. "How is the line dancing / painting / scrabble competition going"

[SunnyMeadow]

Another choice is to have dh take the children to go see his grandmother and you stay safe at home. No reason for you to be subjected to his family in this situation.

[Love]

Keep them coming!  Thanks to everyone!  You give such great advice and I will utilize all of this.  I have been teetering between going and not going, it is just that my DH wants me there, he has said he will never leave me alone or our children.  He has high hopes but the inlaws are very good at dividing.  They live a little over 2 hours away.  This made NC for 6 almost 7 years pretty easy, the distance and their venom.  I would love to drive and leave if needed but the drive doesn't make that possible.

I want to be capable of going and supporting him, and a part of me wants to know I can do it.  However, daily almost by the minute, or sometimes by the hour I am fighting them in my head or saying "I can go" and then "I need to stay home and just keep myself safe".   

Honestly, I have not fully committed either way and my DH knows that.  He has said "we will leave within two hours" and that still seems almost impossible.  Around them, I feel like this little kid.  Because in general I do not care what people think, but their words and actions have created scars and pain that defiantly resonates still today. 

This is really really hard. I am not a shy person, or an insecure individual but these very toxic individuals truly destroyed the first 12 years of my marriage.  Going NC was so wonderful for us and we grew a lot.  But as many of you know they can present themselves as kind until the mask comes off for any number of crazy reasons.

While we were NC Dh's family imposed and exploded, actually exactly as our therapist predicted, they eat each other.  Like, Bloomy said, and that is such a true and vivid depiction of what I am used to.  These people turn on each other and will eat their young when left by themselves with none of their favorite people to abuse, which for us was my entire FOO family, including our children. 

I feel like I need and want to support my Dh and his grandmother before she isn't here anymore.  But at the same time, my fear and anxiety kick into triple overdrive and I'm in my head again arguing with people I have not seen or spoken to in almost 8 years.

Everyone at this part has been a flying monkey for my mil, dil, or SIL's at some point.  All of them have attacked us and none are truly safe.  The only safety net I believe is, that Mil knows if anything goes wrong she will most likely never see her only son again.  The scary thing is when they are all together they have their support crazy system and really I am afraid.  I don't want to react, I want to grey rock all day, I'm just so nervous and unsure about the whole situation.  It is also in a very small, small space.  It's like I know I'm walking into a trap, I know they will talk, I know it will be at minimum very uncomfortable for everyone.  I am even more unsure of grandma's reaction, maybe crying and talking about the whole ordeal of not having her family together and the one sister just going off, because I do not think she has or cares to have to much control over herself.

[nanotech]

Keep them coming!  Thanks to everyone!  You give such great advice and I will utilize all of this.  I have been teetering between going and not going, it is just that my DH wants me there, he has said he will never leave me alone or our children.  He has high hopes but the inlaws are very good at dividing.  They live a little over 2 hours away.  This made NC for 6 almost 7 years pretty easy, the distance and their venom.  I would love to drive and leave if needed but the drive doesn't make that possible.

I want to be capable of going and supporting him, and a part of me wants to know I can do it.  However, daily almost by the minute, or sometimes by the hour I am fighting them in my head or saying "I can go" and then "I need to stay home and just keep myself safe".   

Honestly, I have not fully committed either way and my DH knows that.  He has said "we will leave within two hours" and that still seems almost impossible.  Around them, I feel like this little kid.  Because in general I do not care what people think, but their words and actions have created scars and pain that defiantly resonates still today. 

This is really really hard. I am not a shy person, or an insecure individual but these very toxic individuals truly destroyed the first 12 years of my marriage.  Going NC was so wonderful for us and we grew a lot.  But as many of you know they can present themselves as kind until the mask comes off for any number of crazy reasons.

While we were NC Dh's family imposed and exploded, actually exactly as our therapist predicted, they eat each other.  Like, Bloomy said, and that is such a true and vivid depiction of what I am used to.  These people turn on each other and will eat their young when left by themselves with none of their favorite people to abuse, which for us was my entire FOO family, including our children. 

I feel like I need and want to support my Dh and his grandmother before she isn't here anymore.  But at the same time, my fear and anxiety kick into triple overdrive and I'm in my head again arguing with people I have not seen or spoken to in almost 8 years.

Everyone at this part has been a flying monkey for my mil, dil, or SIL's at some point.  All of them have attacked us and none are truly safe.  The only safety net I believe is, that Mil knows if anything goes wrong she will most likely never see her only son again.  The scary thing is when they are all together they have their support crazy system and really I am afraid.  I don't want to react, I want to grey rock all day, I'm just so nervous and unsure about the whole situation.  It is also in a very small, small space.  It's like I know I'm walking into a trap, I know they will talk, I know it will be at minimum very uncomfortable for everyone.  I am even more unsure of grandma's reaction, maybe crying and talking about the whole ordeal of not having her family together and the one sister just going off, because I do not think she has or cares to have to much control over herself.

I'm reading this with alarm and empathy.
Don't go.
My FFO events we're like this. I stopped going. The only thing I attended in the last 5 years was a family funeral. My UNPD father was histrionic all day, and my BPD sister slipped in some emotional abuse. It was right at the end of the day when my sis did this.
In my view  you are 100 per cent entitled not to go.