Envy

[square]

For the last few weeks, I have been in an emotional state of envy and wistfulness that is unfamiliar to me and hard to bear.

I'm human and sometimes I get pangs of envy like everyone else, but I seem to be built to throw it off fairly easily. I tend toward contentment. Even my progressive disability doesn't elicit much resentment from me, it's my lot and I can do it even if it's not what I would have wanted.

But I have lately felt quite emotional about things I want and do not have. Here are the things I've been dwelling on.

1) Trust among couples

I know very well that we never know what inside someone else's relationship. All the same, when I see small signs of trust, it hits me hard.

A couple casually holds hands. I do not receive any affection. (I don't give it, either, granted).

A couple looks each other fully in the face/eyes while talking. My H is threatened by me looking at him. And I don't really want to see the anger on his face anyway. But what would I give to casually look at him and see him, and have him SEE me, and want to see me, and it be a wanted interaction? And maybe a little smile for me?

2) Talent

I've always admired various talents, but lately I feel kind of gobsmacked when I see major talent, and really appreciate even more modest talents. Including general intelligence.

My H has an intellect I admire and also talents I can appreciate. But they have been buried by illness. His talents are no longer manifest because he cannot function. His potential has been completely severed.

His intellect can still be seen but it's hard to access it because he has to be in the right mood and not just lost in the quagmire. If he is swimming in resentments or completely disconnected from life, there's nobody at the wheel.

Furthermore, I yearn to enjoy a talent from someone who is working at it, engaging with it. My H is engaging with nothing. All is lost. He is just going down the drain, passively.

When I see AWARENESS from someone, I feel a real jolt. Someone not just going through the motions, but who can see something and share a knowing smile - yes, I saw that too!

Someone ALIVE!! AWAKE!!

3) Vulnerability

H is reasonably vulnerable to me, but I cannot be vulnerable to him. It's at my weakest that he will strike. My tears are felt as a betrayal to him, an assault.

What would I give to be able to sometimes lean on him, just sometimes? I can take care of myself, and it's a good damn thing, too, but... sometimes? Ever? To hear the words "I'll help you." Ugh, that just hurts in my very gut just typing that.

When I see little acts of care, and admittedly I'm personally talking about a man caring for a woman, it just slays me. It's like I didn't even know it could happen, ever.

Heck, recently one of my nephews saw me taking out the trash and took the bag from me to do it for me. I really appreciated it because my disability makes everything so much harder. My H would never offer, and would be angry if I asked - he'd do it, but angrily, and add it to the limitless list of things I owe him for, that no other wife, disabled or not, would ever burden a husband with.

4) Lovemaking

Further to the above, how can we make love if I cannot be vulnerable? To lean into him in trust, to share myself, for us to have a secret conversation, to know each other like noone else, to know and be known.

How can I do that to the man who, if I suddenly collapsed on the floor, would react by yelling at me?(True story.)

I would like to share. But I can't even look at him. Any wonder I feel stiff and afraid? (Not afraid because anything bad happens in bed, to be clear). I literally shake and get nervous, every time. I close up. I don't know how to act. I can't feel. And it's not because I have no desire. He would be shocked at how much I do, actually.

But he is not my shelter from the storm. He is MY STORM and it's so much more destructive than anything in my entire life. I feel destroyed.

It could have been so easy. We could bicker and disagree and all the normal stuff but I could have seen him as my shelter even if he didn't do all that much sheltering. I can carry my own weight. But when I have to carry mine, and some of his, and HE is my very burden? And he will take absolutely none of mine, or else it comes at a large cost so my burden is not lessened at all anyway.

I envy so much the idea that even a tiny fraction of couples in the world can lean into each other and share themselves.

I know bedroom stuff is complicated for everyone, but I guess the main thing is, whether it makes sense or not, I am experiencing a lot of pain emotionally in this area right now, and even if I'm envying something that never actually exists (maybe it does, albiet rarely?), my pain is still there.

[Starboard Song]

I am so sorry for the experience you described so beautifully.

I think it is possible to aspire to something, and to zealously seek it, without feeling the thing we call envy. I wish that for you. It is no good to pretend that happier couples are illusory. Nothing is easy, but many couples trust one another, feed each other's talents, and can be vulnerable and open to love. I  repeat that I am so sorry you don't have that at this time.

[square]

Thanks, StarboardSong.

Your comment triggered a thought in me, that what I'm feeling is a manifestation of hopelessness.

Perhaps I often don't get stuck in envy because I'm optimistic, and I tend to assume a thing will probably work out one way or another, even if it's not quite what I wanted.

But these things feel like giant black holes in my life. Even if it's too much to ask to have an abundance of these things, their total loss hurts, and there is no hope that some day things will get better. Worse is really the only possibility.

And to have just a TASTE of these things seem like a part of life? We never get near enough, but just a bit at least?

I've honestly lost my perspective. I have mo idea how common it is for couples to lean on each other. Certainly I'm not near alone in not being able to. It's common not to, clearly. And this is so sad.

I have totally lost sight of whether dysfunction is universal and total or if there is some small measure of comfort some people successfully share with others?

I used to think there was a good amount of love and hope balancing out the darkness but now I wonder if it was just a naive delusion.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are sparks here and there but now I suspect everybody is basically alone, just sometimes transiently throwing up a little light here and there but mostly... not.

I don't know if there are any good relationships, neutral seems the best there is. We hurt each other. We all do.

[losingmyself]

Square
I think we can all feel at least part of what you're feeling. I guess I just name it 'sadness' but it's all the same. We don't want to feel envy, or hopelessness, but a human being can't help it, as long as it doesn't consume us.
Supposedly, we are to make our own lives happy by discovering our own joys. They might be different than others, but, I guess it is what it is.
I hope you find happiness in yourself. And know that it's probably normal to feel those pangs of envy, when you see a thing that us nons will never have, that should be a part of normal human nature.
Non of us are asking too much, and I hope that hopelessness is not something that you feel for long. Remember, we're all here to lean on, even if just virtually

[SonofThunder]

Hi square. 

I agree with Starboard that your post is eloquent in your descriptive writing, and well conveying of your feelings toward the four subjects.  There is writing talent (#2) in you, being used in this way.   

I do understand the feelings of envy toward what I don't have with a PD spouse and also that others may enjoy in their life partnerships, and I'm sorry they are weighing heavily on you at this time.  From your writing, the feelings seem amplified by your disability.  Im sorry the disability exists, and adds difficulty to you in some functions. 

In a way, your post evoked feelings in me of a eulogy toward some good things that have been lost, or even good things that I thought I had before coming Out of the FOG, but now Out of the FOG, realize I actually never had them to begin with, as they were just smoke and mirrors for decades. 

I am able to read and understand the eulogy, and know for myself, that I understand these things were mostly elusive or flat-out gone between my PD spouse and I, as a couple.  But, I now know these things can actually be well nurtured and blossom in myself, as I know exactly what i need and desire.  I can, with creativity and a healing mindset, deliver them for myself. 

I can, along with self love, appreciation of myself and my talents, have a better relationship with myself, through deeply exploring who I am. I have been doing this very intently over the last two years, as I dive into my introversion, my HSP tendencies, my hobbies and amplifying my radar toward my own emotions and thought patterns. 

I can find joy in appreciating and celebrating these same things in others around me, other than my roommate (spouse), and in other online communities, with regard to talents and interests and with some newer technologies, can now interact in these communities of my interests.   

Again, beautifully written and Im sorry for your loss.  My wish for you is that you are able to reconcile with the loss, even in the midst of your ongoing marriage to your spouse and potentially begin a joyful refocus on the regeneration of these things with yourself, without any need of interaction from your spouse, for the new flourishing of your four topics in your post.  I send vibes of hope and excitement as your eulogy is potentially released to float away downstream, while intentionally turning to look upstream, and see the arrival of the new square; the four same, but new in nature appreciations, coming around the bend. 

SoT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

SonofThunder -

Thank you for such a wonderful response.   

[1footouttadefog]

It's very painful to realize you are in a relationship where you should be known more than you thought possible and feel alone and unknown.

It can feel hopeless if you remain committed to the relationship or feel you cannot leave it and feel morally obligated not to seek this intimacy elsewhere.

I get it. 

[square]

Yeah. I would like some intimacy.

I do feel known otherwise, we did not have a superficial relationship, he totally gets me. Just illness stands between us.

I'm, uh, a little hard to take, lol. Maybe an INTJ. Not many people have been able to take the way my mind works but he can, and even likes it. They joke about husbands wishing their wives would shut up but he wants to hear this stuff (when he's sane) - for hours. I have all these ideas and I grind them to dust, and he goes right along.

But physically, we had some blocks we never got past (me as well as him) and I really really would like this.

Have even been considering taking a risk and trying with him.

The risks in bed are minor. The problem is that I don't know if it makes sense to compartmentalize.

How hurt will I be if I open my heart - in a way I never ever had with anyone ever - and later, outside of bed, he stabs it. Again. And he will.

Can I keep that seperate? Knowing it'll happen, can I just keep it apart?

Starting to actually wonder that the prize might be worth it. A limited, compartmentalized prize.

Things aren't going to be magic. It's not going to make the illness disappear. It will still be so rare, we hardly see each other at all.

But what if... what if there was something worthwhile there?

He's not PD in bed.

[Worthy of Care]

I feel some of those same things, especially when it is a husband and wife showing care or even working through a difficulty. For me, the envy is the arrow that pierces to the center of my grieving heart.

[Boat Babe]

I hear everyone here and often feel that fierce pain you describe so eloquently Square.  May I suggest that it isn't envy (one of the seven deadly sins and surely a toxic emotion) but rather an acute awareness of what you do not have. It's more loss that's highlighted by someone else's situation. Still sucks though.

[square]

Yeah, I see what you mean, BB. Envy is wanting what is not mine, but there are some things that we all need. It wouldn't be envy if I was hungry and saw someone else eating. And I'm not coveting someone else's spouse. If I had my druthers, I'd keep him, warts and all, just cure him of his illness.

[1footouttadefog]

I can and did totally compartmentalize until my pdh lost interest in physical contact.

I encouraged him to seek medical treatment etc.  I got as for as can be.  I initiated and made it all simple and set the bar low.

The way I see it I made a commitment to have just him and physical only is better than nothing so I compartmentalized.  I jokingly thought many times that I was looking at it all like a man would when he just wanted to be selfish, and at the same time giving of an easy low maintenance outlet. 

I would even be available when he had been a jerk.  Compartmentalized.  Until he stopped altogether and later started contacting people from his past to get of supply from.

I was like okay, I see.  He found away to hurt me when I had lowered my standards , lowered my expectations of him to make things easy and so they could still work despite his emotional unavailability. 

[square]

That is helpful, thanks.

I can see taking the emotion/attachment out of it completely. But here I am thinking of allowing the vulnerability in bed but seeing if I can totally seperate that from everything else. To see if bed can be a safe space even if life isn't, and not be affected by outside wounds.

[Cathat]

Wow...that is powerful.  I can so relate..

Thank you

[losingmyself]

I wish I could totally separate bed from outside wounds, but I absolutely cannot.
If I was asked to describe the physical attributes of a man I was attracted to, I would describe my H. But I can't put the hurts aside and be intimate. To me, they're one. I kind of wish I weren't that way.

[square]

Thank you, that is helpful. I do understand.

[1footouttadefog]

I wish I could totally separate bed from outside wounds, but I absolutely cannot.
If I was asked to describe the physical attributes of a man I was attracted to, I would describe my H. But I can't put the hurts aside and be intimate. To me, they're one. I kind of wish I weren't that way.

I was in this place at times also.  It really hurts