Dilated pupils and fear

[Amadahy]

Just tossing this out there .... it is a little weird.   

My Nmom used to get so angry because ... wait for it ... my pupils were dilated.  All the time.  As a kid, I didn't know what this meant or how to answer my Nmom's rage about it.  I now know it was because I was petrified of her.  All the time. 

For so many years, I valiantly tried to pretend all was well with a happy-go-lucky attitude at school and around others.  But, I was afraid.  I was always afraid.

I think this is revisiting now because I'm just now letting myself acknowledge my fear, at 53 years old.  I was absolutely terrified of my Nmom.  I even developed Guillain Barre Syndrome at age 10 which paralyzed me (paralyzed with fear, me thinks).  Isn't it amazing and horrifyingly sad that my poor body was reacting in this way?

Like I said, weird.    Just grieving out loud/in writing today.

(((hugs)))

[bloomie]

I think this is revisiting now because I'm just now letting myself acknowledge my fear, at 53 years old. I was absolutely terrified of my Nmom.  I even developed Guillain Barre Syndrome at age 10 which paralyzed me (paralyzed with fear, me thinks).  Isn't it amazing and horrifyingly sad that my poor body was reacting in this way?

I am so thankful you are able to acknowledge how deep and for how long you have been afraid of your Nmom. Punishing a child for a flight or fight response... shameful and I am incredibly sorry this... and so much more, kept you in a perpetual state of hyper vigilance and fear and thankful you are breaking through and examining it.

[Amadahy]

Thanks, Bloomie.  The grief hit hard the day I wrote this.  Such a seemingly small thing can really stick with a wounded inner child.  It feels good to acknowledge and to offer myself some TLC.