Monitoring and controlling

[baffledhuman]

Hello. Quite new here. Prone to looooong posts. I'll try to keep this within reason.

My BPDw (a therapist has told her she has BPD traits or features, but I don't know if that counts as "diagnosed") insists on us sharing phone location, Amazon accounts, passwords for everything, etc.

I have a natural disinclination toward that, not sure why. I just don't like feeling "monitored." For example, right now I'd like to order some books about BPD, but I know I can't on Amazon because she will find out.

Is this a common behavior?

Topic #2: Controlling/attempted controlling

She is relentlessly critical of me, about things big and small. She goes into what I would call a panic and even extreme anger sometimes if we don't agree on something and I say, "It's OK, we don't have to agree on this." She is deeply concerned about my appearance in public; I'm not sloppy, but I also just don't care, for example, if people can see that I'm sweating when I'm running (actual complaint of hers).

We once did couples counseling years ago and the therapist said, "Oh, women always have a 'list' of criticisms. It's just how they are."

Really? Opinions? And am I really supposed to just put up with constant criticism even if I don't like it?

Thanks.

[11JB68]

I take exception to the counselors generalisation that 'women' have lists of criticisms.
Your w sounds a lot like my uocpdh.... He too is full of criticism for others, likes to be in control, etc

[square]

Some couples share accounts, some don't. The desire for privacy is normal. It doesn't even imply anything untoward.

Furthermore, your desire for privacy will increase dramatically the more information is used against you.

Rubbish to the idea that women keep a list of criticisms. Many do. Same with men. It's not a healthy behavior in either.

Having things we wish could be changed in our SOs is part of the human condition. That is different from a list of criticisms, repeated, weaponized.

Control and criticism isn't uncommon but it can be toxic. In a PD is usually is toxic.

[tragedy or hope]

Talk about lists. I know narcissists keep long lists of things to use against us. Don't know about PD's in general.

My now deceased unpdh used to monitor me, but had no power over my electronic life as he did not know how to deal with the computer world. However, when he realized I was using YouTube to learn about Narcissism, he forbade me to watch any videos about it and then accused ME of being a narcissist.

I had to be careful to delete any video that I watched. It was such a hassle.

There is great power in just saying no. Just no. No explanation. NO, I desire my privacy. We can't stop their outbursts, rejections, rages... whatever; so you might as well make yourself happy. If it is not this it will be something else until the life is sucked out of you breath by breath.

I would say IMO, it is a waste of time to give up your "self" for someone who is not well. It's really all you've got to maneuver their condition.

Hope you avail yourself to the toolbox and all the wisdom here of people who live it everyday.

[escapingman]

Baffledhuman, I had all these issues with my uNPDw. She scrutinised all credit card statements, commented on anything I bought. Shared Amazon account so could not buy anything without her knowing.

I stopped the credit card statements from coming through, changed passwords to Loch her of the account. She was not happy but I did it. I also got myself another credit card She has nothing to do with. Wanted the books about narcissists as you and got it all through online subscriptions,  she can't see it. I download the books and listen to them as audiobooks. Absolute life saver for me.

Good luck, get your freedom.

[baffledhuman]

Thank you for the replies, everyone.

A point to make re monitoring: She despises "sneaky behavior," but the monitoring has, ironically, made me feel I need to "hide" or "sneak" some things (many years ago, that included my nicotine addiction; more recent example is eating food she does not approve of) which, of course, confirms that I need to be monitored, right?

My honest assessment of her criticism is that, typically, it bothers her that I do not share her entire viewpoint about how to be in the world. She is highly (I would even say pathologically, perhaps) sensitive to what others think of her, and seems to see me as an extension of her in the world, which is the source of much criticism, IMO.

But I never make it my business what she wears, how she looks, what she says (I am an outgoing, exuberant person, which makes her cringe), how I smell, what I believe ... the whole gamut. I sometimes try to gently say, "It's really OK if we don't agree about X. We're different people!" but that can truly enrage her, as I've seen lately.

I have occasionally pointed out the example of a former therapist of mine who was a healthy ultra-runner, lithe and fit. She lived with a dumpy boyfriend who smoked and ate junk food (this does not describe either me or my wife, btw!) and when I asked her about it, she said, "I love him, he's his own person."

Yeah, exactly!

[square]

I would like to encourage you to commit to your reasonable acts of privacy, and unapologetically own them.

Nope, not sharing your email account. Let the accusations bounce off of you. Shrug off demands to justify your choice.

You have your own Amazon account. It's fine. No, you're not going to explain it.

And so on.

I'm not minimizing how hard this is, I'm merely trying to embolden you. You're fine. She can deal with it. I do know it's harder than that, but that's what you put in your head.

Please do not let her chip away at your basic privacy. Things won't get better, she'll just keep chipping and you'll be worse off for nothng. You'll instead want to make incremental gains to recover your privacy to a level comfortable to you. But even if you don't, don't concede any more of your privacy. It may actually backfire, and certainly won't help.

You don't care if people see you sweat while you're out jogging. That's absolutely marvelous. I'd like to encourage you to maintain that. You don't care and she'll just have to deal. You don't care if you sweat, now try not to care that she does. It's hard. I know. But her fretting isn't your problem and you don't need to fix it.

Once again, I know it's not that easy. This is a pep talk.

[Cat of the Canals]

Both the monitoring and the critical comments scream enmeshment, which is very common BPD thing.

I agree that I'd absolutely resist sharing the login information. If adults choose to share these things with one another, fine. But it's not something that should be demanded and certainly not something you should be punished over for refusing (accusing you of being sneaky, etc.). You are entitled to basic privacy just like anyone else.

[baffledhuman]

Both the monitoring and the critical comments scream enmeshment, which is very common BPD thing.

Enmeshment is very much in evidence in our relationship.

I've spent the last 33 days totally disengaged from conflict, having simply decided not to argue, be "right" etc. It's been a relief for me, but it has made her behavior ever more severe.

But this has brought her BPD and enmeshment issues into clearer relief for me. When she flipped out and went full-on rage-dissociation because I calmly said it was OK if we disagreed about a minor issue that had no bearing on our relationship, I was grateful for the evidence (she said the fact that we disagreed was the same as if I were on the opposite side of the American political aisle from her, which was, she said cause for divorce).

[Cat of the Canals]

(she said the fact that we disagreed was the same as if I were on the opposite side of the American political aisle from her, which was, she said cause for divorce).

Yikes. This sounds like my NPD/BPD mother. She went around telling everyone I was brainwashed when I disagreed with her politically. And I wasn't even coming from the opposite side! I only said I was voting for a different candidate than the one she'd chosen.

[baffledhuman]

(she said the fact that we disagreed was the same as if I were on the opposite side of the American political aisle from her, which was, she said cause for divorce).

Yikes. This sounds like my NPD/BPD mother. She went around telling everyone I was brainwashed when I disagreed with her politically. And I wasn't even coming from the opposite side! I only said I was voting for a different candidate than the one she'd chosen.

Interestingly, the topic of disagreement was not at all political (it had to do with different ideas of privacy in publishing; I'm a former journalist, current freelance journalist, so I'm much more open to the (accurate) disclosure of information than  my wife is). It really was just that, a disagreement in principle, and I walked her through my *actions* in the world to show that, no, I'm not spraying anyone and everyone's private information to the world; looked at this way, the difference was quite slight).

But she really went off the deep-end, disappearing into wild-eyed anger (which is not typical for her, or wasn't until I decided to stop fighting/arguing), screaming profanities, storming up and down the stairs, pounding a wall and, as mentioned, explaining to me that this difference was just as bad to her as if I'd voted for X (whom we did not vote for), and therefore a reasonable cause for divorce.

Fortunately, I'd begun learning more about BPD and that, coupled with my firm decision to not engage in conflict, allowed me to see her reaction for what it was and not take it personally.

As I say, it's been uncomfortable, but helpful, to see her escalations in the face of my improved behavior!