Looking at my feelings. Jealousy.

[feralcat]

I know I feel jealous, and I shouldn't . I admit it. It's a flea.

My FIL died a couple of weeks ago. Just after I been  to a (very) enmeshed family in law Xmas get together. He was already in hospital. He was an enabler to my unpleasant MIL, but he was very nice to me. He'd been very unwell for a while, so I'm glad he didn't suffer any longer. I liked him.

So why the unexpected emotion ? I realise that what I'm jealous of is that ...
a)  DHs family are pulling 'together in organising his funeral/ remembering his life( in a manner that I highly doubt that anyone would do for me - even my DH). Ironic given how his own wife treated him. And I expect DH will be travelling to MILs quite often, to sort his hoard out. SG DH now back as part of his faaamily.
and b) that I feel generally so alone anyway. I've come to the conclusion /admitted aloud to myself that my H is probably ASD. I'm grieving for the fact that I'll never have the emotional support I crave.

When FOO family members have died, my unPdM made it loudly all about her - No support, no empathy for others, except as a reflection onto her.
I haven't done that, and I haven't admitted to feeling like this either.  But I don't like myself for thinking like this.
Ps I read a few back posts, and the responses.

On Monday I have a (telephone)session with a new counsellor. We'd  already discussed in our initial chat about maybe working on abandonment triggering. I'm going to tell her about this as well. Maybe it's a similar root cause ?

It makes me so ashamed , but maybe it's a feeling I need to work through. And own up to, in order to become more emotionally healthy .
Any thoughts please ? Be honest.

[Hilltop]

Emotions are normal even the less pleasant ones such as jealousy.  Everyone feels different emotions throughout the day and everyone feels jealous from time to time.  Completely normal and nothing to be ashamed about.  Feeling jealous is simply being human.

I think it's hard when as you say you have no support from your own FOO, from your mother and then on the other hand your husband is focused on your MIL who he is enmeshed with.  We are wired to want and need that social and emotional connection, there is nothing wrong with you wanting that or needing that and feeling the need for emotional support.  I would say that most people get married thinking this is part of being married.  So if your husband is enmeshed then that dysfunction will effect you.

It's hard with a death in the family because yes it's natural that attention will go to those family member who are bereaved, there may be a lot to sort out.  However as you say your Dh is the SG so with all that emotion floating around it may not end well.

Getting some feedback from a counsellor is a great start.  One way to look at it, may be that whilst your husband needs to spend a bit more time sorting things out with his family it gives you a little breathing space to start counselling and start sorting out your feelings not only about your FOO, but your inlaws and your marriage.

I came from a emotionally lacking FOO, like yours no support, no empathy and married into a family with it's own dysfunction.  I was heavily criticised by MIL, lots of enmeshment between DH with MIL.  I know the feeling of loneliness as well.  You are not alone there, it's painful.  It's taken a long time to work through my feelings about the in-laws and build up the marriage.  I am still working through my FOO issues.  I'm sorry it's not easy but I think raising this issue with your therapist would be helpful.