Fog clearing again 10 years later wife with BPD/NPD

[Justwannalove]

Fifty year old NYC man with kids and a wife of 25 years diagnosed by multiple psychiatrists as borderline about ten years ago. Our relationship has been non-existent since she opted for denial, yet we remain together.

I have spent the last ten years on/off in therapy, and finally connected with an older psychologist who's helped me find my own feelings and codependency in this fog.

Recently realizing on my own that her behaviors follow BPD/NPD to tee.  I've confronted her with 25 years of "evidence" of her behaviors, and told her I refuse to listen to anything that makes me feel like I'm evil anymore.

I am very worried that I will once again lose clarity, and be dragged back into the dance of codependency. I have my own issues and background that make me an easy victim. 

I am looking for any kind of support, friendship, guidance that I can get in this battle for my life.  I am currently in therapy, but he's not big on labels, and does not know my wife .

[Spring Butterfly]

Welcome and I hope you find the community here as supportive of you as it has been for me. The Toolbox at the top of the forum has a topic of Codependency. There's multiple underlying reasons for codependency so the better you can tune into why you identify with it the better you can amplify your recovery. It sounds like you are quite in tune to your own history which is a tremendous start!

There's several communities here for Chosen Relationships where you'll find the friendship and support you seek. Guidance is in the forum with others traveling a healing journey with you plus in the amazing resources curated at the top of the forum in the website.

Wishing you peace and healing

[SonofThunder]

Justwannalove,

Welcome to Out of the FOG and joining with us, as we all hike along this PD trail together.  Im sorry you are suffering in your decades long marriage to your wife who has been past-diagnosed with a PD.  You have found a great and compassionate place where you will fit-in nicely and meet many others here hiking the similar trail alongside you. 

I will also recommend the toolbox tab at the top of the page. In addition, i want to recommend two books.  The first is Boundaries, by Dr Henry Cloud.   The second is Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist, by Fjelstad. 

Both books have been very helpful to me in learning about myself, understanding my uPDw, my three-decades marriage and teaching me some tools to include with the above Out of the FOG toolbox. 

Glad you pulled up a chair here around the Out of the FOG campfire and will be a joy to have you included in the conversations.  Again, a hearty welcome and see you around the boards. 

SoT

[Justwannalove]

It's been so isolating, honestly I've lost all of my friends and kinda given up on anyone understanding or helping me, including the dozen+ mental health professionals we've consulted over what amounts to all of my adult life.  I am very bitter and hurt about all of this.  She's been able to dominate everything with her pain, and exploited my weaknesses in ways even she's not aware of. I still have one foot in: hey maybe she's right and I'm making this all up.  I need to let go of her certainty, and stand on my own two feet.

I appreciate the warm welcome and will check those resources. I'd love to hear how others have cut through the denial and mindfuckery.  I feel conned, but ofc my love for her allowed me to believe it.

[SonofThunder]

It's been so isolating, honestly I've lost all of my friends and kinda given up on anyone understanding or helping me, including the dozen+ mental health professionals we've consulted over what amounts to all of my adult life.  I am very bitter and hurt about all of this.  She's been able to dominate everything with her pain, and exploited my weaknesses in ways even she's not aware of. I still have one foot in: hey maybe she's right and I'm making this all up.  I need to let go of her certainty, and stand on my own two feet.

I appreciate the warm welcome and will check those resources. I'd love to hear how others have cut through the denial and mindfuckery.  I feel conned, but ofc my love for her allowed me to believe it.

justwannalove,

I fully understand the isolation and sorry that you experience it.  You are not alone. I among many here experience the tactics of PD's that PD's use to manipulate and control in a predator-like manner, as they feed off others. 

From the Toolbox Tab/What It Feels Like: 

https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/feeling-isolated

I found it very invigorating to read through the Toolbox drop-downs and the top 100 Traits in the Personality Disorders drop-downs, all the communication in the forum topics and discover entire threads that discuss experiences just like my own.  After a period of time doing this, i realized that I experienced the same behaviors, traits and tactics as SO many other people here on Out of the FOG, and that I was NOT alone, but was simply isolated to believe I was alone, so my uPDw could further exploit my 'caretaker' qualities for her own needs/gain. 

I will be very interested to know if you discover things about yourself, as I surely did, should you decide to read the Fjelstad book 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist'.  It was a huge eye opener for me, to realize that I actually play a very large role in my own experiences, as the PD script is designed to take advantage of my non-PD, caring qualities.  I cannot change my uPDw or any other human, but i can and have, and will continue to change myself, for self protection, for self improvement, and to find new joy in life. 

You wrote:  "I'd love to hear how others have cut through the denial and mindfuckery.  I feel conned, but ofc my love for her allowed me to believe it."

I believe you will find all you are searching for here in the top tabs, the forum threads and possibly some other outside reading/watching resources that come highly recommended. 

Yes, i feel conned as well, and i am now floating my past downstream and creating a new future for myself, one day at a time.  Again, i look forward to having you join the conversations around the boards. 

Welcome, my new friend.

SoT

[Justwannalove]

Uncanny how accurate that description of isolation is. Abnormal psychology scares the shit out of people, and they don't even realize how blissfully ignorant they are. I'm still heavily invested in convincing my spouse to own her behavior patterns.

[hhaw]

JWL:

I found a trauma informed Therapist with Buddhist leanings helped me identify and process the harmful trauma wedged sideways in my limbic system where it was bouncing around and around, taking my attention, begging to be tended to. 

Once my Therapist taught me HOW to calm my nervous system..... my brain easily processed the trauma and filed the stuck memories into hisoric files..... the brain just needs a chance to process.  The brain is super efficient and does it every second of every day.  Removing the trauma around memories.....and engaging the frontal lobe can be taught and practiced, IME. 

It's useful to expand one's window of resilience and learn to do what one can do, then put the story on the shelf so joy can be found and experienced instead of experiencing reactive worry worry worry coping strategies keeping one locked down in fight or flight...... unable to access logic, reason and creative problem solving skills of our neocortex..... frontal lobe...... higher thinking vs reptilian brain/fight or flight brain, IME.

There were many reasons other kinds of Therapists didn't work for me, but I believe the main reason THIS particular T worked out was bc she's doing her own work.... the Buddhist leaning stuff...... so she dragged zero ego and expectation into the therapeautic setting, which was necessary for me to get on with healing.

I wish you healing and the best possible outcome.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I can relate to your post.

I now call my sister my abuser and I am her target of abuse. Abusers are all about power and control. She has caused so much trauma and devastation in our family for decades with her extreme and outrageous behaviour. I have gone no contact with her for two years.

I have found my tribe here of people who really understand what I've experienced as they have been through it all themselves. Other people really don't understand.

I follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".  She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. I have found her to be very helpful and understanding.

I also get support from mental health carers groups when we used to meet in person before the pandemic. We now meet online. You can find support from your nearest carers centre.

Practising regular Mindfulness meditations has helped me so much as well.

Observe don't absorb.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.