Borderline in denial: learning to be stronger than their doubt free confidence

Started by Justwannalove, January 15, 2022, 09:10:45 AM

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Justwannalove

I was chosen by my wife about 25 years ago who knew I was the one with zero doubts right away.  My gut was telling me no, but I foolishly allowed her amazing qualities and beauty to blind me.

She's been diagnosed about ten years ago with BPD by multiple psychiatrists, and now I'm becoming convinced that she's also NPD.  Her binary thinking and lack of empathy are hard to miss. She, however fiercely denies the diagnosis,  and thinks the problem is me.

My current challenge is figuring out how to be more sure about myself, and let go of whatever dependency I still have on her CLARITY. Maybe I have enjoyed too much the early days when she had me way up on a pedestal.   I am very invested in trying to convince her, I cannot seem to let go of it.

In any case, despite so much evidence, I'm still only slightly poking my head Out of the FOG .. just enough to reach out here and see if my experience resonates with others.

baffledhuman

Quote from: Justwannalove on January 15, 2022, 09:10:45 AM
Her binary thinking and lack of empathy are hard to miss. She ... thinks the problem is me.

My current challenge is figuring out how to be more sure about myself ... I am very invested in trying to convince her, I cannot seem to let go of it.


Thanks for your post, Justwannalove. I'm pretty new here, as well, and your story resonates with me at several points, particularly the ones I quoted (and slightly edited) above.

I, too, have been married to my dBPDw for 25 years (going on 26). Her mother was my first exposure to BPD and she was by far the most difficult person I've ever met in 60 years, by an order of magnitude.

During some difficult times, my wife and I did couples counseling. One of the important things for me to convey was that, whatever my faults (I have plenty, most notably a propensity for occasional, extremely angry outbursts ... a trick I learned from my father), I believed that in any relationship both parties are responsible for their own behavior, the 50/50 rule.

Although I liked the therapist (whom I'd seen individually prior), I was really taken aback when she clearly sided with my wife. My wife's narrative was black-and-white: I was bad, very bad, and the only thing that needed examination was my angry outbursts (which I am not proud of) and how I was going to fix myself and stop victimizing her.

I acknowledged that I had gone over the top verbally and emotionally during my uncontrolled anger. But I also pointed out that for my wife, almost any conflict, no matter how minor, feels like "abuse" and "aggression." I also wanted to note that, while I was not excusing my own bad behavior, I had never been this way in a relationship before. My experience was that I often "lost it" out of frustration with her masterful, circular logic, insistence that her memory was correct and mine always flawed, ability to make me the "bad guy" in almost any situation and her habit of just making stuff up (i.e. frequent declarations indicating that she knew my motives and feelings better than myself, attributing intention where there was none, and so on).

And if my wife's main concern was my anger, my primary concern was my desire for empathy, gentleness and acceptance that my wife could not seem to give.

But the therapist seemed to wave off my concerns. She told me that my wife's criticism was just "how women are; they always have a list!" of complaints. She seemed to accept the proposition that my anger stood in isolation from any other dynamic in our relationship, and seemed to place the onus entirely on me to make my wife feel safe and happy.

After many months, I bowed out and found a new therapist. 

Fast forward many years. After many months apart last year, I had a brief and wholly unexpected affair (which I'd never done before). I was caught and ended it quickly, and since then I have been working diligently to repair my wife's hurt and loss of trust, if I can.

But just as with the anger, this affair has confirmed her view of me as a sort of eternal monster (well, when it suits her). I know it will sound paranoid, but it's almost as if my transgressions actually work for her, because she can then make my problems the sole focus of her unhappiness. (One time I was talking to her mother about a just-ended marriage. She said, "He didn't know how to make me happy" ... I saw her BPD so clearly at that moment).

Unfortunately, for three-plus months I blindly followed my own habitual response to what I perceive as her BPD sledgehammer, often erupting in anger ... which of course only solidified her sense of righteousness.

For reasons I probably will  never know, I finally had a "spiritual awakening" one morning during my run and I heard this message loud and clear: Surrender. Stop fighting. Stop arguing (my wife is correct that I am addicted to arguing). Stop trying to be right. Stay on your side of the fence. Do not withdraw. Be supportive. Decline with equanimity to take any bait proffered. Do not speak impulsively, but rather give yourself time to decide a) if it needs to be said and b) if so, how to say it without accusation or demand.

Thirty-two days in to this, it's working for me. I feel lighter and cleaner. My communication has not been perfect, but I have not argued or become angry; on a couple of occasions when I felt my fuse beginning to light, I excused myself and went for a walk. Overall, I give myself an A- (so far).

The irony? In laying down my arms, I have ceded the battle space to my wife, whose behavior continues to deteriorate and escalate (to within, literally, a centimeter of my face on one recent night). She is even more reactive, more prone to mind-reading, more abusive, more critical, more damning of me, more wedded to mining her "offense files" in service of bringing up sins long past, sometimes decades past, and on four occasions, collapsing into something that looked and felt to me like a psychotic break.

I know that I own 50% of our problems. I suspect I bring some NPD traits to the table (though I am quite confident I don't meet most of the criteria). And yes, I've been emotionally and verbally abusive.

But the last 32 days have shown me that I do have a choice in how I react. I have a choice to be aware of what's happening with my own emotions. I have a choice not to take her behavior personally.

Before I had my epiphany, she took a big (and positive, IMO) step of setting some boundaries about my angry outbursts (i.e. keeping a bag packed; leaving the house; calling 911 or my therapist if she thinks I am a danger to myself, etc.) She was shocked when I said I was proud of her for doing that, and that some "tough love" was just what I deserved and needed.

We are going to talk to a therapist together this week (in fact, the woman who diagnosed my wife with (at least) BPD traits). I'm hopeful that the therapist will be mindful of my spouse's history and diagnosis. For the past five months, I have done 95% of the relationship/trust building, while my wife has continued to spiral ever lower.

I want to stay with her. But I also now know that, whatever my own faults, flaws and contributions to our problems, I am not willing to go back to the way it was. I am committed to my new outlook and approach, and hope she can make some progress that will bring her more peace, also.

But for the first time in our marriage, I am holding the future lightly and openly. Should she decide she wants to divorce, I will accept that. Should she prove unable to accept her contribution to our difficulties, I will be the one who lets it go.

All that, Justwannalove (that's what I want, too!), has helped me to begin to detach. I still have the impulse to try to convince her, but I've learned that I have the strength to resist and save myself from handing her more ammo when I lose my cool.

(I know I write long. But I appreciate having this place to put some of my thoughts down in writing.)