ZZZZ! Undiagnosed PD wife snores terribly - suggestions?

[IsleOfSong]

The subject line says it all — my wife has snored terribly for as long as I've been with her (25 years, married for 22). I've tried talking to her about it and suggesting possible remedies, but when I do she immediately wraps herself up in victimhood right away and feels attacked for bringing it up.

Having said that, are there any suggestions as to how I can get her to try some remedies without making a huge deal of it? The last time I mentioned it, she huffily bought nasal strips, wore them to bed twice, told me how painful they were, and then stopped wearing them altogether. Occasionally I will use ear plugs, but they only help so much.

I have, on occasion, retreated to another room to sleep, which triggers her shame as well. Sigh...

[SonofThunder]

IsleofSong,

Im sorry you are experiencing these issues regarding sleep.  My uPDw doesnt snore, but she does have a sinus 'click' each breath, and my ocd'ness focuses on it.  She also tosses frequently. 

In the past, any suggestions i made to her were, like your situation, used for victimization and then her verbal attacks on me. The classic PD dance around the Karpman drama triangle.

Sleep has become so important to me, in my new self-improvement and self-protective lifestyle, that i now just sleep mostly elsewhere, and/or switch beds in the middle of the night once the issues wake me. 

At one point in my sleep-issue history, i believe my uPDw purposefully refused to seek possible ways to improve sleep for us, because she experienced a manipulation high, when i voiced my woes the next day.  Therefore i simply don't discuss and if she asks "how did you sleep" my answer is always "fantastic! You?".   She will typically play the victim and my MC response is "I'm sorry, i hope you get a better sleep tonight", then i walk away in a neutral, positive vibe. Meanwhile, I'm typically in REM-land in another bed that next evening 😂. 

Therefore, i don't have any suggestions for you except my own boundary of:

"I will do what is necessary for myself to enjoy the best night's sleep, every night, regardless of my uPDw's opinion".   

Then also, Im heavily-armed always with the MC, noJADE and 51% rule to continue to get my ZZZZZ's. 

SoT

[blew]

Been there.

My wife made it clear a long time ago that even MENTIONING that she snores is off limits.  And no, earplugs, pillows over your head, does not work.

Thankfully, she ended up sleeping in another room due to her insomnia.  She keeps the TV on all night and I just can't sleep through that. Of course, she still complains about the bed, the couch, her back, etc....but I no longer have to deal with the snoring.  Besides, she complains all day long about everything, so this is low on the list!

So, in terms of a solution?  It's like all things PD-related.  There is rarely a good, definitive answer.  There was a thread here on Out of the FOG recently about people sleeping in different rooms, so you may want to look at that to see what people thought.  I think it's a great idea and maybe your wife would find she's likes it too, if she gave it a shot.  But getting here there?  I have no idea.

[hhaw]

I've seen tongue suction cups designed to pull the tongue out of the throat during sleep to end snoring.  My sister tried it, but her husband hated the way it looked.... you can imagine.  It wasn't good and would likely add to the shame for your wife.

  My sister then did a sleep study and  purchased  a CPap machine, which snorts and whines and blows on and off on it's own.
My BIL hates that too, so sister just snores the roof off and endures interrupted and poor sleep. 

[SunnyMeadow]

I tried many things for my husband's snoring. He even did the sleep study and got a c-pap machine, don't like it so he threw it away 

I was sick of having interrupted sleep every night. He slept threw his snoring just fine. The thing that finally worked was separate bedrooms. 

[1footouttadefog]

I made a recording of my H snoring and played it while he was watching TV.  He griped and I said oh it's nothing he should be able to relax with it playing. 

At least after doing that a few times he did not feel victimized by me sleeping on the couch.

I eventually took my own room for snoring and other reasons. 

If your wife is triggered by you sleeping elsewhere when she is the snorer, you of course have alot of other issues in the marriage.  PD by any chance, lol

A lot of folks sleep separately especially at older ages.  In reality it's not a reflection of closeness or intimacy as those things can be handled in either or both, or other  rooms while partners are awake.

I am sorry you are getting sleep deprived.  BTDT.

[Cascade]

Same issue but wth my pdh. I tried bringing it up but then he accuses me of snoring. If I sleep on the sofa he gets upset. It sounds a little silly but I put my fingers in my ears for a few minutes just to dull the sound, and is more effective than ear plugs but it's difficult to sleep like that. I wish there was a magic pillow or something I could buy to fix this.

[JollyJazz]

Yes, I think there's actually something interesting here.

Yes, like people have raised, a PD person will typically act the victim if you raise it. A healthy person would apologize, and take action. But a PD person would DARVO, probably deny it, or even if they did know make it somehow your fault.

An opportunity here might be to carve out your own space. Do you have a 'room of your own'? This is important for having your own mental space. Also just simply taking action takes your power back. Sometimes for us non-PDs, our desire to want a reasonable partner can revolve around trying to make the PD do things, but really when we are the ones taking action, we have the most power and control.

Could you get your own room? A space you can go to and get a good sleep when the snoring starts? Even a fold out bed in an office. It might be a safe space of retreat to read self help books, meditate, message here, go for refuge when a rage starts (you'll need a lock on the door for that 😅).

Anyway, hope I'm making sense here. I feel like this message can be broadened to other PD behavior. Best to take the power back! 😃

[SonofThunder]

Same issue but wth my pdh. I tried bringing it up but then he accuses me of snoring. If I sleep on the sofa he gets upset. It sounds a little silly but I put my fingers in my ears for a few minutes just to dull the sound, and is more effective than ear plugs but it's difficult to sleep like that. I wish there was a magic pillow or something I could buy to fix this.

Hi Cascade,

You wrote "If I sleep on the sofa he gets upset."

A few years back, my uPDw would voice her concern about my sleeping elsewhere. Her main reasoning for her being upset, is "its not what married couples do".  Imo, in her mind, someone outside the home is going to find out we sleep in separate spaces and it will be shameful to my uPDw's public image. 

I also get insight to those 'shame'  inner feelings of hers when guests come in the house, and especially if they are sleeping in our home. My uPDw makes sure my couch-sleeping equipment (blanket, pillow, phone-charger, any my med-related needs) are deeply hidden in the master bedroom, moved from my convenient (and hidden from view) storage spot much nearer the sofa.  I dont mention it to her, but simply use her doing so, for my own insight. 

Her self-focus is fully understood by me, accepted by me as her norm, and therefore I plan with it in mind.  In my understanding and MC + noJADE, do not voice any concerns over her constant self-focus.  Therefore, my boundary for myself is:  "SoT will get at least X hours of good sleep every night, regardless of where i need to sleep to make that happen, to keep me on top of my game". 

My uPDw 'getting upset' is mostly now, the next day.  At first, she would wake me from the couch in the middle of the night (sleep-deprivation PD tactic imo) and complain.  But now, over my steady erosion of me staying on the couch, she has learned that her voiced inner-concerns and/or sleep deprivation tactics are pointless and i am not harassed any longer in the middle of the night, but only woken when she goes to bed after me, to tell me shes going to bed (which is a PA way of saying "come sleep in the bed").  I simply say "Ok sleep well, I love you" and remain on the couch.  Periodically, my uPDw will still voice her complaints to me the next day, but MC, noJADE, 51% and 50% rules, will quickly make her complaints land on boring, medium-chill ears and go nowhere. 

Another erosion tactic that works for me  (im not a fan of changing the landscape through flash-floods), is to sleep Sunday-Thursday nights on the couch, and Friday and Saturday in the bed with her, since i can sleep a little later those two next mornings and I use one of those two nights every 1 or 2 weeks to initiate what i call 'maintenance sex', in which she enjoys my attention focused on her.  Those two nights out of seven, help to mostly keep my uPDw from complaining.  But again, if complaints happen, the toolbox is there for me. 

So, after all that rambling lol; Is your husband's "gets upset", AFTER you just obtained a good night's sleep elsewhere?  If so, then imo, that successfully completed a 'good-sleep' boundary for yourself (great job!) and the toolbox can deal with the verbal complaint the next day.  #Wash-rinse-repeat (shampoo analogy).  #success

SoT

[Cascade]

Is your husband's "gets upset", AFTER you just obtained a good night's sleep elsewhere? 

Yes, it is in the morning that I hear the complaint or feel the cold shoulder but I don't sleep well on the sofa so it's not an option I'm quick to use. I'm glad it's working for you.

[SonofThunder]

Is your husband's "gets upset", AFTER you just obtained a good night's sleep elsewhere? 

Yes, it is in the morning that I hear the complaint or feel the cold shoulder but I don't sleep well on the sofa so it's not an option I'm quick to use. I'm glad it's working for you.

Thanks Cascade,

Sorry the sofa is not a good option for you.  A different bedroom would be a fine option for me as well, but the sofa, for me, gives better back support.  Either way for me, im well rested should a sleep preference complaint come my direction. 

SoT