Why I struggle to ask things

[Gromit]

I had a revelation yesterday. I was talking to my DD about feeling left in the dark about things. I felt that she blamed me for my being left in the dark, saying that, 'you need to talk, to ask things'. I struggle deeply at times,  being  with someone, wanting to get them to talk and somehow, not having any idea how to do that. At other times, with other people, it seems easy and they tell me things that seem very personal. I also have a talent for blurting out the kind of questions that people who are polite, can not ask, but wish they could.

The revelation came later as I remember how my questions were treated in my family of origin.
'Where has dad gone.' ' He has gone to see a man about a dog', 'what dog?'
'Why do I have to......' 'Because I have a bone in my leg' I looked that up today, it is an obsolete idiom, usually directed at the person being lazy not used to justify being lazy oneself. There was not a lot of information on it, it was very commonly used by my father but, not anywhere else, although my OH thinks it may have been said in a TV programme when we were growing up.

There were other ways my questions were deflected, ignored, I seldom, if ever got a straight and honest answer from anyone. If I tried to join in a conversation, the adults would go quiet, perhaps it was not something I was supposed to know about. There were whispers, which made me prick up my ears and somehow I knew that a cousin was in a relationship with someone of the same sex, and it was not approved of.

And there were other things I was just supposed to know, without being told, like how to make a particular kind of sauce, then shouted at because I used the wrong kind of pan to make it. How could I know?

So I am left with the impact of no one being honest or straight forward, so what is the point of asking? Scared of making a mistake, scared of being human, being ridiculed for things which I do, and now criticised for being secretive, it is the only way I know how to be with other people, to hide in plain sight.

G

[StartingHealing]

Gromit

I feel you.  I totally feel you. 

the family I was placed in for adoption was like that.  Secrets behind more secrets and finally I quit asking, and then of course I got into trouble because I wasn't asking. 

Reminds me of the turn of phrase "Damned if you do, damned if you don't"

It sucks, it does.

Keep coming back here, good space to find people who "get" it and also have a ear willing to listen.

[Gromit]

Secrets behind more secrets and finally I quit asking, and then of course I got into trouble because I wasn't asking. 

Reminds me of the turn of phrase "Damned if you do, damned if you don't"

Quite, I recall, when I was older, my father telling me to call my mother, ask how some appointment went. I doubt that I did. The point being, there were things you were supposed to ask, and things you were not supposed to ask, but very little guidance about which was which. Naturally, I was  more curious about things which people were not being clear about.

Thank you for responding StartingHealing.

G