Questioning his intentions

[Bunnyme1]

The divorce hearing is Tuesday, and my birthday is tomorrow (the day before).  When I picked the kids up, he had made breakfast for me for tomorrow in a to go container.  Why can't I accept a nice gesture?  I feel like there are other intentions.  Like, I don't want him to be part of my birthday.  I don't want him to have the satisfaction of knowing I'd be eating his meal.  Isn't that just crazy?  I'm hoping I can get to a place where a nice gesture is just that.  Years and years of experience have shown me there is always some other intention. 
I'm just venting, really, but it is just so sad that I am still in a place where everything he does makes me crazy.  Like, hey, thanks for the french toast.  Where are the last 5 months of child support? 

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I started to respond and then my STBX walked it, so I had to slam my computer closed.

Anyhow, I don't view any of the "nice" gestures by my STBX as that - when he does something for me, the end benefits him.  It may be because he feels like he's such a good guy doing X or Y.   He likes to feel better than everyone - his gestures are purely to make himself look wonderful.  UGH.  For example, he loves to give people some of the food he cooks.  He is a great cook.  But, I can see that it's just for how it makes him feel.  It's not out of being generous or giving.

It is sad that this is how I view him.  I could be wrong...maybe some of the time?  But, how can I tell?  As I'm writing this, I feel that in our marriage there hasn't been a time in years that he did something just for me.  A quiet, simple, act of love.  Nope.  That's sadder. 

[hhaw]

I think you're right.  I think every atom in your being know you're right.

Would it change anything to accept everything you know about your stbx as truth? 

What do y'all u gain or lose by accepting your experience as fact and limiting doubt?

Breathe.  Accept.  Stop judging and get very curious.  Be super kind to yourself.

[gfuertes]

If there's one thing I'm starting to learn, it's to trust your gut.  Assuming your ex has similarities to mine...

Did he rub his hands together with an evil laugh as he plotted how to make you uncomfortable, and draw you into his web with a birthday breakfast?  Probably not.  Was he in fact thinking that he was being nice?  Quite possibly. 

But aren't most of us in this forum because we've gone down some version of the following rabbit-hole before?
> This guy is SO great, loving and generous!
> Wait.  What happened?  What he just did seemed so awful.  But that's not what he's like.  Could it be me?  Could I be looking at this wrong?
> Oh, yes.  Here's the great, loving, generous guy.  He's back.  What a relief.  Not sure what that weird thing was, but it's over.
> Rinse, lather, repeat.
> ...I can't trust my own feelings, or judgment, or even my own memory of what has actually happened.  I'm miserable, drowning, and I can't figure out which way is up, to find the air.

And on *some* level, that is intentional on their part.  Sometimes (if not always), they do nice things because they know it's the price for keeping the other person attached, and useful.  And they also know disorienting the other person by sometimes being cool, and unpredictable (or worse) is part of what keeps them useful.

If your gut told you eating his French toast was like climbing into the roller-coaster car that's supposed to make you useful to him again, by the end of the ride, then don't second-guess yourself.  I'm sure you still accept nice gestures from other people, without suspicion - people who haven't treated you badly.

[JustKeepTrying]

Whether or not it is good intentions; whether or not you are overreacting or underreacting or whatever; whatever; you feel it and there is something there; something that you know and aren't ready to express but still something.  That is why you trust your gut.  We have been conditioned; gaslit and twisted around so it's easy to talk over that gut feeling.  It is taking me real effort to daily work on looking at my feelings and just allowing myself to feel and acknowledge it.  To trust my own feelings.

I thought a great deal about this today.  For decades I excuse my xOCPDh because his mental issues, the PD, had real roots.  A dysfunctional mother and passive father - a real narcisstic mind mess for him.  He struggled and is probably still struggling after all this time and therapy.  But what clinched it for me, beyond the physical abuse, was the fact that he did that abuse knowingly.  He knew his mother was an issue; went to therapy and still, he actively chose to lie, steal and cheat me.  Once I realized that it was over.  No matter how much he tried to hoover or yell or lie after the fact and deny any of it happened.  I knew better.  In fact, the last thing I told him was "You choose to throw a wrench at me; hit me; hid money and have an affair.  That is why I left you."

It's been two years since I left and there are days when I just can't shake his shadow.  Others when I forget him entirely.  HOpefully, the forgetting will become more frequent.  But there is one thing I know, I know a sense of peace now that I didn't have the entirety of my relationship with him.

[Joga]

Bunnyme1, thank you for this post and thank you everyone else for all the replies. I'm sitting here reading them all and sobbing because I'm finally trusting my gut and it feels so scary and sad.

Bunnyme, You spent many years learning how he operates and I don't blame you for not wanting to touch the food.

[Legalmindhelp]

Thank you all. These posts are so helpful to me. I know I am not alone!