This kept me up all night

[pianissimo]

Last night I ruminated a lot over people at work. Now,  I'm realizing that my rumination is due to a worry I have. And, when I think what worries me, I'm not sure if it's me who is too sensitive or if this is a legit worry. I also wonder why I feel like I will find myself in the middle of what's going on if I don't watch out.  I guess this is my essential worry.

I will do my best to explain what has been going on.

Some back ground information I might have mentioned before:

• I live in a city. Where I work is in a county that is 70 minutes away from the city in good days.
• Here, I started working here a couple of years ago, and I have made friends from work (it's a school). I think due to the way things are, you end up creating your social circle from people at work. This makes things a little complicated, because a person you get along at work becomes your friend. Added to that is the fact that, a lot of people from work live in the city, and commute to work together. Also, we are peers at work, so there is this natural bond between us. I think this makes it hard to remain detached.
• To me, it seems like the work environment is quite toxic. There are multiple groups who fall out and undermine each other directly or indirectly.

The situation I find myself in:

So, this year, (mentioned in another post), a new colleague started working. She and I have the same educational background (meaning, we have had similar experiences and challenges), so this bonds us a little.

At some point, I sensed that a few in my circle disliked her, and they had an attitude that excluded her. For some reason, this was not communicated to me directly, but I found myself in situations that make just being nice to her challenged somehow. In the end, I put up boundaries with a couple of friends because I was perceiving aggression in their communication. I basically pulled out of my group because what was going on was not clear.

This kind of worked well for me. What I noticed over time is that, apparently there is some kind of click. Two of these people live away and have different arrangements to commute to work. I'm (or was) friends with the third one who lives in the same neighbourhood. I had been friends with the other two too, but I distanced myself from them. What I perceive is, whenever the other two have some demand in relation to their work schedule (because they live further away, like in another city altogether), they tell this third one about it, and he kind of tries to accommodate them (looks out for their interest?).

So, during this time, I have had a cordial relationship with the new colleague. We sat down and chat in two occasions in which she shared her situation. From what she tells me, I have an understanding of what leads to her isolation. It appears that she challenged these two people I mentioned above. She also has a confrontational demeanor. But, I sensed a third element that might be fueling the ongoing unspoken drama: This new colleague gets support from two other people (who are at managerial positions) at work, who try to undermine the clique I mentioned above. I simply dislike these two.

My situation is that, in a couple of weeks, I will move somewhere near work. This will reduce contact with people at work. What I worry is that, people at work have sorted out ways to keep up with work schedules while living away from the city. And, this involves sharing an apartment. So, they come to work, spend a night or two in the apartment, then leave. So, I might be expected to offer the new colleague a space to spend the night, especially when work starts too early, or the weather conditions are too bad. But, under the circumstances above, I don't want to do this, at all. This is mainly because, it would invite a lot of drama, and the possibility of this is what kept me awake last night. It could invite drama because this new colleague might not be able to draw boundaries with people she's in touch with (I sympathize with her). I'm just too tired to deal with any potential drama. I simply don't want to know what's going on at work.

One thing I find difficult to understand is, despite my efforts to stay out of all this drama, I find myself dealing with it one way or another. At this point, I have very limited contact with people at work, but what gets through adds up to this long post. I'm finding myself needing to retreat to some place where I can fend for myself. I find myself not sharing anything with anybody. For example, I didn't tell anybody (even those I genuinely like) that I'm moving near work because it just didn't feel safe.  None of this seems to be about me, but it's affecting me. One thing is that, I feel like my spontaneous actions are perceived strategical. For example, my friendship with the new colleague has no ulterior motive, but it seems to be perceived as a move in some game. On the other hand, the actions of few people that seem spontaneous at first turn out to be strategical.  Is this one of those scenarios in which the abuse is so subtle you wonder if it's all in your head? Can anybody make sense of this situation? Like, am I in the middle of what's going on despite my efforts? Is it the new colleague who is targeted or is it me too?

[Starboard Song]

I tend to define drama in very objective ways. Is someone actually being mean or cold? Are they actually impairing my peace? And what will actually go wrong? This isn't exactly reality, but it helps distance me from whatever drama there is.

As to your move, if anyone asks "can I stay over?" I'd encourage you to respond as if there is no awkward social pressure or expectation. You can practice a happy, sunny demeanor as you chirp, "Oh, gosh! I'm so sorry. Lot going on. I can't really have house guests right now." And move on.

I don't know if we can understand from what you've described the nature of the drama at work. It sounds like some people get along better than others. I encourage you to act as if there are no cliques, and befriend who you like while politely avoiding those you don't. Unless people are getting mistreated or fired over it, you may never be worse off on this route.

I am sorry you are struggling with this and I wish you so much strength.

[pianissimo]

Thanks for reading the post and replying to it Starboard Song.

The cliques I mentioned have been around since I started working here. For some people who start working here, the dynamic is like this: Clique 1 excludes the newcomer and offers no help, clique 2, by the excuse of helping the newcomer befriends her. Clique 1 becomes agitated because the newcomer is now hanging with clique 2, the newcomer becomes agitated because clique 1 is mean for no reason, clique 2 sees this conflict and gets the newcomer to do their bidding . For clique 2, this is easy to do, the newcomer is basically vulnerable. Where we work and live is a bit rough. Also, more often than not, the newcomer is in an adjustment process. This one had been living in another country until a couple of months ago. The newcomers tend to be in some kind of shock due to big changes in their lives. They need to be looked out for. This leaves them vulnerable to manipulation. The isolation makes them angry, and they become sucked into the conflict between the cliques. In the end, what happens is that, cliques 1 and 2 say hi to each other, have tea with each other, while the newcomer gets the burden of aggression. I experienced this when I began working here, and most people who came here since then went through something similar. The outcome depends on the person. I didn't take any of what was going on personally, but, some did, and, they have become a part of one of these cliques themselves, and, now, they subject the newcomers to the treatment they received.

When I think about it, I guess I'm really in the middle of what's going on. This happened before, when the two cliques are fighting like this, they want me (everybody else) in the conflict.

[Starboard Song]

That sucks, and it is not the common way things are supposed to be.

Good luck staying out of it, and maybe extricating yourself from this unfortunate culture. It can be very difficult to rise above.

[1footouttadefog]

I snore loudly and become horrifyingly flatulant  in the wee hours of the morning.  I am not sure you could possibly feel comfortable staying and I would be embarrassed if you did. 
It was my city neighbors' complaints that brought me all the way out here after all.

On a more serious note, I would encourage you to find a social life outside of work.  This sounds so enmeshed.  The work relationship could then be regulated down to where they are safe and cordial bit no longer leaving you vulnerable and entangled on multiple fronts

[pianissimo]

I snore loudly and become horrifyingly flatulant  in the wee hours of the morning.  I am not sure you could possibly feel comfortable staying and I would be embarrassed if you did.
It was my city neighbors' complaints that brought me all the way out here after all.

Where I work, there is a possibility that the other person could go "That's OK, me too!!"

On a more serious note, I would encourage you to find a social life outside of work.  This sounds so enmeshed.  The work relationship could then be regulated down to where they are safe and cordial bit no longer leaving you vulnerable and entangled on multiple fronts

It's kind of rough here, at work, in the small town, in city, in the country....I will have to content with no social life for a while. I'm good company to myself though.