Does my girlfriend have NPD?

[WorriedBoyFriend]

So she's looking after her dying sister and she asked me for space. So I went no contact. She's since messaged me I miss you and when I asked her if she still wants space. She replied "just for now but don't go to far." I said okay I'll give you all the space you need. She replied with I'm do in love with you. I messaged I love you once and she replied with I love you so very much back and then I said and I love you too.... shouldn't have but hey. She then messaged with a kiss emoji. Since then, she wished me happy birthday and we talked very briefly before she vanished again. Do I stay with her and be miserable for her sake? Or do I move on and leave her alone? Help. She just vanishes from days on end, and I know I should "be there" for how the fuck can I be if she doesn't look at my messages or responds? I've had enough. The days I have sobbed because of it, I've become borderline suicidal. I've started talking to people about that but not about her. Because I feel like its selfish of me.

When I confronted her earlier about it, and about not knowing where I stand in her life, She messaged me with this: I am so happy when I get messges from you. I'm not avoiding you. You are still the love of my alife, my soulmate. Just because we don't talk much, I still think about you. I love you so very much.

Later on, I got another message from her calling me her lover, her best friend, and her confidant. I'm so confused.

When I asked if I should move on, she responded with "Baby......Do you want to date someone else?"

What do I do?

[moglow]

We can't diagnose anyone and but maybe you could look at the relationship as a whole. How long have you been together?  How were things between you before her sister became ill - and how long has she been gone? Do you think she's using that situation as an excuse to put distance between you, or is she understandably distracted with caring for her sister?

Dealing with the serious illness and possible death of a loved one is hard - so much comes to the surface with that and other relationships. She may have realized she honestly doesn't have time or energy to give right now. It's painful when there is sometimes so little you can to to help a loved one, watching them fade away.

Is it possible to take a genuine step back, gently and let her know youll look firward to hearing from her soon? Perhaps slow down and think about what you want and need in a relationship, not just this one but in general. Being "borderline suicidal" over her absence is concerning - your life continues on whether its with her or anyone else, or no relationship at all. Are you still spending time with friends, work etc, staying busy or is everything centered around your girlfriend?

Look at the big picture here is what I'm suggesting, rather than focusing on "whats wrong with her?" Throwing our whole lives into someone else's lap sounds all well and good until real life and responsibilities step in and change us, change priorities.

Don't feel you have to answer my questions,  they're just things for you to consider as you work through things. Maybe it'll help shed some light for you and ease the anxiety.

[WorriedBoyFriend]

The reason I'm suicidal etc, is the way she was when we met. She literally said she loved me from the moment she saw my picture on FB. She then said we had four past lives together. It was so intense, and so quick. And now she's just shutting me out. Its less that she's grieving, its more that I've been fed so much lies these last four years only for when push comes to shove, her true feelings come out.

[moglow]

She literally said she loved me from the moment she saw my picture on FB. She then said we had four past lives together. It was so intense, and so quick.

Well that's concerning all by itself but you carried on so apparently things changed from there. Lies, I'd have a big problem with. It erodes any trust and makes me question everything. Are they lies of convenience or covering up misbehavior or random bs for no apparent reason at all...?

It sounds like you have reason to question the relationship with her in general. And it may be that you have to make some uncomfortable choices.

[WorriedBoyFriend]

I lost my mother and she jumped at the chance to be with me, which didn't help.

[moglow]

I'm not sure what that means? You think she'll turn it around as you abandoning her, even though she "asked for space"? Maybe y'all could define this "space" better - is it for a set time frame? Are there parameters? Or do (either of) you want to end it altogether?

Sometimes people do use the I need space as a means to an end - frustrate the partner into a breakup then dump all the blame on them. Sometimes absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder but rather sheds a spotlight on emptiness. And honestly, if this is some kind of test you pass or fail based on imaginary parameters of her making, that's just juvenile.

[WorriedBoyFriend]

I meant when my mom died, she slotted herself into my life to be my partner. And yeah, that's what I'm worried about. That she's found someone else.

[moglow]

This relationship is a separate entity - you're either in it together or you're not. Consider using this time to evaluate the relationship as a whole, regardless of whether either of you are interested in or becoming involved with someone else. Look at where you were and how the "space" conversation came about.

There aren't easy answers, I'm sorry. Only you know best what you've been through and if you trust her enough to work through this with her.

[1footouttadefog]

The quick intensity you describe at the beginning of the relationship is quite common when a Narcissist or Borderline enmeshes with someone.

Feelings are facts and they tend to reject facts that don't match those feelings.

Some people feel that when a Narc is lovebombing a non that the love that the non thinks they see is actually the love the narc has for themselves.  They are infatuated with the idea that someone they wanted is in love with them. In love with being loved.  It is often said that many narcs cannot empathize with or feel the same kind of love towards another person as they do themselves.

Quite often the person the non falls in love with is a combination of a false self the narc presented or became to win the the non and the reflected self live.

Later when the narc finds another they can totally reinvent themselves and repeat the cycle.  They often devalue the former partner prior to this, but often string them along because the see them as a procession they are entitled to return to when desired. 

I hope this is not what you are experiencing.

I would encourage to to consider that your relationship and what you and your GF want from it might be a mismatch regardless of whether she has a personality disorder or not.

[moglow]

I would encourage to to consider that your relationship and what you and your GF want from it might be a mismatch regardless of whether she has a personality disorder or not.

 


That's kind of where I was going too. To go back to your original question: Would her being NPD (or not) change the relationship, for you?

[WorriedBoyFriend]

Yes Because I already dated a BPD ex and she was a utter monster. I have no desire to date someone with NPD.

[moglow]

You/we can call it anything we want, it's still the behavior that tells the tale, that makes or breaks a relationship. That label can and would likely vary with anyone who might possibly diagnose her, then what? She is who she is and only you can decide if it's enough (or too much) for a future with her.

Decide if you want to continue with her just as she is, because that's who you have. Giving it a name might answer some questions in the big picture, but it still doesn't change the person.