Bitter, angry, awful to be around - a vent.

[Tribe16]

I'm not sure what I hope to accomplish by this post. I'm just writing it out to process and remind myself that I don't think I'm the crazy one.

I've posted in the past that my uPD mom is cold, dismissive and ignoring. She posts a good show on Facebook though, complete with heart emojis, because that's public after all. But on the phone, or in person the past couple of years, she is dripping with contempt for me. I've limited my conversations with her to Thanksgiving and Christmas (with hubby on the speaker so that she'll behave). They were very surface but she behaved. Mother is a very bitter, depressed and unhappy woman. She has had a lot of loss in her life, but she is taking it out on those closest to her and is running out of targets.

I try and send a little note or postcard every month or two just to let her know I'm thinking of her. I know she won't call but I feel like she knows I haven't totally abandoned her. I do this because as a Christian I am trying to honor my parents. I gave up one-on-one phone calls last August because she is so unkind.
My enDad is a henpecked husband – he is medically pretty frail and we talk at least once a week. They live in another state. We have a good relationship. He is loyal to a fault to my mom, never speaks badly of her.

When Dad called me last week and asked me if he could spend a couple of weeks with me, I knew things must be pretty bad. I asked him to give me a couple of days to think about it and mull over with my hubby. Timing couldn't be worse, we are moving into a new house early March that we've built (a hilly property that would be challenging for Dad) – but maybe timing is good, because we are right now in a small, first floor apartment.

Long story short, I've made all the arrangements to get Dad out here. He won't fly, so it means taking the train. I'll fly to their state, get my son to drive us 2 hours to their area, my sister will pick us up and drive us the 2 hours further to the city with the Amtrak station where we'll spend the night and then board the next day for the 24 hour train ride. Then turn around in 2 weeks time in the reverse.

The plan was to meet at a McDonalds at this halfway point. Have a quick bite to eat with the family and continue on our journey, then everyone would go their separate ways, and Mom gets to start her 2 week vacation of not caring for Dad.

Instead mom goes on a texting tangent to my son and my sister, but not me of course. Saying, "somebody went and changed all the plans" so she is dropping Dad off at sister's now. (To avoid seeing me).

There was never "a plan" other than mother badgering Dad to call me to set this up. Which we did. Apparently I changed the plan she had in her head that she has not shared. I think she is mad because I involved my son and sister. I think she is mad because I haven't called her to ask if Dad needs anything special (I can just ask him myself). I think she is mad because she's convinced herself I am a horrible person who moved away and isn't there to take care of her in her old age. Maybe she wanted me alone so she could bitch at me and I'm not giving her that opportunity any more. 

I'm grateful that I have a couple of weeks with my Dad that he doesn't have to be bitched at. I know that times with my Dad are winding down so I'm grateful to have that. I just wish mom didn't have to be so grossly obnoxious for no good reason other than she is hell bent on making people as miserable as she is. I refuse to go there.

Thanks for reading.

[SunnyMeadow]

I think you're right that she's mad because you haven't involved her in what your dad needs. My uNPD mother likes to be the keeper of information and conversations. She wants everything to go through her. If it doesn't, she causes so much unnecessary drama.

Your mom is pretty ballsy to be causing issues when you've so graciously accepted to have your dad for 2 weeks. Plus you have to make complicated arrangements involving you flying there and your son and sister doing all that driving...twice! That's a lot of nerve.

If she's dropping him at your sister's house to avoid seeing you...I'd say that's a win. Less stress for you and dad. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I agree with everything SunnyMeadow said, especially the part about not seeing her being a blessing. It sounds to me like you've gone out of your way to accommodate this demand, but of course PDs never see it that way. They are so entitled to having things their way that they will find a way to complain or be dissatisfied even when they've gotten exactly what they've asked for.

[Tribe16]

Thank you Sunny and Cat. I'm still flabbergasted at the statement "somebody went and changed all the plans" as if she had carefully discussed them with me (NEVER HAPPENED). I swear if I was the psychic my mom thinks I should be, I'd have my own TV show. And you're right, it will be better to start our trip off peacefully, for me anyway, not sure what Dad and Sister will experience beforehand.

Dropping him back at home will be another story, but Sister and Bro-in-law will be there, so we'll see how she behaves. It's only for 2 hours. Grateful I have family that realize what's going on.

[moglow]

Tribe, I'm just trying to not cry from sheer frustration with/for you and myself. This is so painfully familiar, the assumptions that 1+2+4=12, so she runs with that?? Wait WHAT?! How does that work and how'd she get there from here?! No one said any such thing PLUS

Apparently I changed the plan she had in her head that she has not shared.

Seriously? You're living my life in that one statement - and you were supposed to KNOW the plan and exactly how it was to be executed because God forbid she lose the fight she has planned. 

I just canNOT with the ridiculousness of it all and yet here I am, trying to grasp it yet again. I'm praying you find clarity because apparently I'm not there yet.

[Hilltop]

Hey Tribe, it's really hard when it's our mother who is the person who has rejected us, even when you know it's her own struggles that she is fighting with, it's hard to not take that rejection personally.  I think you have done an amazing job to continue to show love in a way that is possible for you but still keeping yourself protected.

I suppose with a less emotional person they would simply say the plan doesn't work for them and leave it at that. The blaming is so common with PD's.  Your mother has her own struggles with seeing you and it's simply easier for her to lash out.  As you say she "drips with contempt" for you. I would say she wouldn't want to see you because then she would have to acknowledge your kindness or see you with your father and the kindness there.  As you say due to her own depression or her own issues, she lashes out at anyone.  Rather than face her own discomfort with seeing you, its easier for her to reject you, not see you, put that pain of rejection onto you, rather than face o deal with her own feelings.

She probably just thought this was the way it was going to go, in her head, she was going to drop your father off at your sisters.  That's the thing with disordered thinking, just because she thought it didn't make it known to everyone.  Then of course her response of blaming rather than seeing it as simply a different opinion.  Their emotions take over and rather than simply discussing things they go into a full rage or blaming episode. 

I hope you enjoy the time with your father and get some really good quality time to talk.  Not about your mother, I wouldn't waste time discussing her but to talk about his life and his own family and simply spend time together.  I'm sorry you have to deal with the rejection and ignoring actions of your mother.  That is incredibly painful.

[Poison Ivy]

I wonder if your mom is embarrassed to be caught out in her bad treatment of your father. (She should be.) Better for her self-image to claim that she was in on the plans from the start than the truth: You, your dad, your son, and your sister are taking extraordinary measures to rescue him, temporarily at least, from your mom.

[FromTheSwamp]

In this situation my mom would be furious that you were stealing her husband from her.  It would mean you love him and don't love her.  Also that he loves you and doesn't love her.  She wouldn't say any of this straight out, of course.

[Tribe16]

Moglow: It's crazy making - I'm sorry you go through this because it is a real poop show to deal with for sure. For my mom, I have come to realize that "she thinks" a lack of being able to read her mind is proof that the people close to her really don't love or care about her.

Hilltop: I will enjoy time with my dad, a little nervous about 24 hours on a train but God willing and the creek don't rise, we'll make it. There will be consequences though. Even though mom gets a 2 week break, and orchestrated (badgered dad) this thing, her resentment will build, and build, and build because life is so unfair, everybody else gets a vacation, poor me, I get left behind, my life is full of drudgery, yada yada yada. And when we get back, look out Mt. Vesuvius.

Poison Ivy: Mom is very much concerned with public appearances, not in the vain way, but in the saintly mother way. We have a lot of extended family on Facebook... I don't post on there like I used to, mainly because Mom is so gushy on my posts. She wants the outside world to think all is well. I think she sits on Facebook and watches for every comment and activity (not necessarily from me but from anyone in the family) so she can barf out a half dozen heart emojis. I swear, she almost always leaves the first comment. She wants to appear as the benevolent grandma to her grandkids; what I don't think she realizes is both of her daughters have really good relationships with their kids - the kids all know how she acts when they're not there. The cracks are starting to show. I really want to block her on Facebook and I haven't yet. My daughter told me I can make certain posts and block her from the post so that she doesn't know the post is there. And I kind of want to document Dad's train trip on Facebook, because he has siblings and cousins that would probably be interested in knowing he's going on a trip. Still thinking through that one.

FromTheSwamp: Can totally relate. I regret to admit that as a chronic people-pleaser, I have allowed in my adult years, my mom the opportunity to vent to me terrible things about my dad. Instead of telling her no more, I just listened and said things like, "I'm sorry things are hard for you." I love my dad, those things were hard to hear. Somewhere in the past few years, I found my courage and said "Mom, I love dad and I love you and I can't fix your marriage." Therein was one of the first nails in my coffin. Then her best friend died. She has nobody to rag on my dad to now. When I gingerly brought up the subject of therapy for her, she flew into a rage and said this charming thing: "You're the one with the self-esteem issues. I don't need that." When I came out last June to help them with stuff, she gave Dad and I a 5 hour laundry list of errands which we did for her. Then she was steamed because we had fun doing them. Then when she griped how she just needed a day without dealing with dad, we went for a nice long drive. Had great talks. That night, she blew up and said she was tired of being a slave and told Dad to go file for divorce, she'd had it. (She won't do it, but she wants him to). Said HORRIBLE things to him in front of me. And said, since we had so much fun together he could be my problem now. I felt so bad for Dad. This is a true "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. She cannot find it in herself to be happy about anything. I don't think it's dementia, she runs a tidy and organized ship, but she's so mentally and emotionally exhausting to be around.

[Cat of the Canals]

I don't post on there like I used to, mainly because Mom is so gushy on my posts. She wants the outside world to think all is well. I think she sits on Facebook and watches for every comment and activity (not necessarily from me but from anyone in the family) so she can barf out a half dozen heart emojis. I swear, she almost always leaves the first comment.

I got chills because this is 100% my mother. I've blocked her from seeing most of my posts, but even then I don't post as often because it feels I'm being cyberstalked by her. She used to almost always call me within minutes of me posting an update.  She also told all of her friends to follow me.

If you do the "partial block," you might consider adding other family members as well. If your dad has FB, for example, she might be able to figure out she's been blocked if your posts are showing up on his FB but not hers. I did this with most of my family and family friends that are in contact with my mom just in case. I've already had blocking drama with PDmil and didn't want another round.

[SunnyMeadow]

I don't post on there like I used to, mainly because Mom is so gushy on my posts. She wants the outside world to think all is well. I think she sits on Facebook and watches for every comment and activity (not necessarily from me but from anyone in the family) so she can barf out a half dozen heart emojis. I swear, she almost always leaves the first comment.

I got chills because this is 100% my mother. I've blocked her from seeing most of my posts, but even then I don't post as often because it feels I'm being cyberstalked by her. She used to almost always call me within minutes of me posting an update.  She also told all of her friends to follow me.

Same here. I deleted my facebook years ago because of my mother and her doing these exact things. I was being stalked and my friends were too. She'd comment if she saw a pic of us going for coffee, a hike or comment on something MY friend was doing. So creepy. It got so I was hoping people wouldn't post any photos so my mother had nothing to bitch about.

She would text me to  or comment on her posts. And one time we had a big falling out because she didn't think I watched a video she suggested I watch in a post of someone she follows. Like a friend of a friend's friend. Truly chilling. She went on that I didn't like things SHE was interested in, it was gross. That was it for me. Deactivated and never looked back. I should have DEACTIVATED my relationship with her instead!

[Tribe16]

Cat and Sunny, yeah, I have a love/hate with FB and IG right now. You're right, I feel cyber-stalked.

Last August, my mom said on what was to be my last call until Thanksgiving, "Why are you calling me? I get everything I need to know from your dad and Facebook."

Not so much anymore Mom. That sucked the fun right out of it.

[Tribe16]

Just an update a few weeks later on my Dad's visit. It was bittersweet, mostly sweet. We opened up a lot to each other about concerns about Mom's mental health. Dad is a very loyal guy, not one to disparage mom. But he shed a lot of light on her behavior these past couple of years and in a nutshell, we were able to validate a lot of behaviors and reassure each other "It's not just me/you".

In the past 72 hours I've traveled 22 hours by train from home to Mom and Dad's and back home again on the plane. 2 hours at their house with my sister, bless her, for lunch when dropping Dad back home. I told myself GRAY ROCK, GRAY ROCK, you can do this. I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself that I didn't lose it, make snarky comments, and was even more medium chill than gray rock. It was interesting though, a few observations -

Mom seemed a little upset that Dad used a borrowed walker while with me. Apparently she has tried to get him to use the walker at home instead of the cane. (My thoughts were, be glad he's using the walker! Don't complain that you weren't the one who convinced him he needed it!)

My sister is going to come over 3 hours a week to take Dad for a drive or errand and give mom a break. (Sis lives 20 min away - she is aware of mom's issues and tends to stay away for the same reasons as me). I don't expect my mom to be grateful that I just took care of my dad and gave her a 2 week break but she basically looked my sister in the eye, took her hands in hers, and told her thank you - so apparently I'm chopped liver.

We kept asking mom, "What did you do for 2 weeks? Did you do something fun?" She kept replying, "I'm sure my activities aren't the least bit interesting to you. I had many things to do I haven't been able to catch up on." "Come on mom, you must have done SOMETHING fun?" Finally she relents and said she went out to lunch a couple of times with friends. Sis and I are "Awesome, you should do that more often!" Then she makes a point of telling us the things she wanted to do but didn't 

She finally asks Dad half-heartedly about what he did. He tells her about a trip to a presidential library, the local library to pick up large-print books, some sightseeing drives, the grocery store, the donut shop... mom interrupts and says "Well, I can't compete with the donut shop and all these interesting outings..." to which I finally pipe up, "Mom, this is not a competition." Ai yi yi.

Anyway, the 2 hour lunch went as well as it could have I guess. No major meltdowns. I didn't do or say anything I need to apologize for later, which was my goal. We hugged, I told her I loved her, she said the same. I do love Mom, our relationship is just changed, probably for good, at least in this life. I'm ok with that. At least my dad felt loved and cared for, for those 2 weeks. I shared a lot of the comments Dad made with Sis - I also let Dad know in no uncertain terms, if I sense emotional abuse is getting out of control I will not hesitate to call in a social worker if necessary, Sis agrees. She will be a lot more aware of things going on with Dad. This was good for me to see his physical decline because neither he or mom have been sharing with me and I was able to see for myself, that's the bittersweet part. 

Anyway, I credit this group and things I'm learning about personality disorders to help me not get sucked into some of the PA behavior displayed yesterday where in the past it would have pushed my buttons. Knowledge is power! Thanks for listening.

[SunnyMeadow]

Thanks for the update! Sounds like it went as well as it could have. You and sis gave your dad and mom a nice break. Your dad will have many good memories of the time he spent with you. The validation of "it's not just me/you" is also important for both of you.

That's a lot of traveling to pack into 72 hours! Now you can relax for awhile with good memories of the time spent with your dad.