UNPD grandfather-in-law has died

[Call Me Cordelia]

I have been NC for a long time now, DH VVVLC. A phone call every once in a blue moon, he lived across the country in a nursing home, and sometimes indulged in giving silent treatment. He’d been declining for years but the end was rather sudden.

Anyway, it’s too soon for any drama or anything to have gone down, but DH is going to have to decide whether to attend the funeral, he’s planning to speak on the phone with his uPD parents and (probably non but very distant) sister, etc. He hasn’t seen or spoken much with any of his family since Covid, but not for that reason. It’s very sticky for him, and he’s feeling some uncomfortable feelings and grief naturally enough. I’m planning to simply hold my peace, both in the sense of keeping my mouth shut and rocking my grey rock if there is silliness that comes to my awareness, and holding onto the peace I have claimed for myself and the children, while still somehow being a wife who cares about her husband.

DH and I have a solid marriage and we will be just fine, but some FOG is in the forecast. I wanted to check in in advance with my lovely support here. I’d be happy for personal experiences with keeping this balance! When his grandmother died a few years ago it seemed a little different, as she had had Alzheimer’s for many years and was something of a scapegoat in the family. Her husband who just passed was more of your typical grandiose type of narcissist.

He died alone in a nursing home. I don’t feel schadenfreude, as I’m not happy that happened, and certainly not guilt, but truthfully… I do feel that it was not a shocking end for the way he lived. More along the lines of a sad cautionary tale than, “Ding dong the witch is dead.” As important as he thought he was… his passing isn’t going to make much of a wave for myself or his great-grandchildren. I care about the possible negative impact on my husband, primarily, and possibly damage control if necessary. It’s going to be hard to listen to even good memories of him for me, and I know my DH has them. If he even wants to share them with me, given all that’s gone down. What a legacy to leave. 

[bloomie]

Call Me Cordelia - condolences to your DH and your family. It is such a strange mix of emotions and thoughts that need sorting at the passing of an elder with whom we have a complicated and layered history with. And the thought of doing any of the sorting in the mix of a gathering of people you really have no relationship with, but are still connected to in this way, is uncomfortable for sure.

I have faced something very similar twice and expect to again in the next bit of time. Somewhat brief, but intense, close contact with people whose harmful behaviors I have purposely and carefully extricated myself from. I have never regretted attending the services either time. Oddly, for me, it brought further clarity and eventually more healing. I also found attending empowering as it was something that I realized I could consider and choose versus a command appearance.

Having been at a distance from the extended family swirl and toxicity for quite awhile I didn't realize how far I have come in my disengagement from drama and dysfunctional dynamics, ill formed coping and maladjusted behaviors on repeat. And how little had changed in that world if that makes sense? It was good for me to witness those things as it reaffirmed the level of contact decisions I have made over time.

In my case, like your DH, there were some good memories, and with one, a late in life reconciliation and I wanted to pay my respects. So I did. But I did so knowing that there are many ways to do that other than attending. I truly am free of it all.

Hero member Spring Butterfly says something that I think about often (only she says it much more succinctly)... 'every contact with PD family members brings some degree of harm. Plan for it accordingly.' In the case of the death of an elder, I think even the grieving processes stirs up painful stuff that we need to plan for and be gentle with ourselves in.

I have no doubt you will find the beautiful balance of love and keeping it real with your DH as you take his hand and walk with him through this time whatever he chooses to do.

[bee well]

Call Me Cordelia,
You have a lot of people here rooting for you, and a soft place to land at the forum. As I read Bloomie's words of encouragement I can't help but think of her Kevlar vest. Keep yours fastened close as you move through this difficult space, and any eventual FOG, That and the wisdom you've gleaned from prior experience should be great protection for both your heart and your head. Love and light to you, DH, and your Dear Ones.

[blacksheep7]

Condolences to you and dh.  I'm just hoping that it will all go smoothly, not too much drama. I want to say,  use your own good judgement and advice as you have with us. 

Wish you smooth sailing through this difficult time.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you all so much for the encouragement! Bloomie, thank you for that perspective. It can be hard for me to appreciate that DH does have much more of a mixed bag of feelings and respect for the good than I do. My perspective is that we removed ourselves for good reason so let that be that, but I appreciate the reminder that there are indeed other ways to healing. My husband is very brave in my view.

MIL has already begun expressing regret over our estrangement, but DH said to her let's work on one layer at a time here. He's got it.

He does intend to attend the burial at this time, but it won't be for a few weeks, which is fortunate in some ways.

[Hilltop]

Call Me Cordelia, you guys are handling this great.   Deaths can make people think about family and how short life is and that estrangements are not worth it however with narcs it can also be a time for them to have fears about themselves ageing and what that will bring, hence a hoover.  I am glad you are taking it slow, funerals can bring out a lot of emotion and promises of regrets now may be hollow.  Your DH is wise to acknowledge that there are layers.

Sorry for your loss.  I hope the funeral goes smoothly without any drama.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, I do automatically question whether her regrets are more regret that she doesn't have the people rallying around her that she otherwise might. Over years, obviously before NC, I observed MIL seems to have the capacity for only a very few relationships at the same time. She mostly forgot my FOC existed outside of scheduled visits once or twice a year, or wanting info to pass on to other people for appearance's sake. (She would call and get the news right before a reunion, that sort of thing.) The last couple of years she was ALL about caring for her dad. And now there's a big void to be filled.