My mom is a hot potato

[wisingup]

Remember that kid's game called Hot Potato where you had to toss something around to others without dropping it?

Yeah, that's mom.  Someone has to "have" her at all times - meaning the person she calls first for all of her drama & crises.  It's gone around in some combination of me (since I was a young teen), my aunt (mom's sister), my dad when he was alive & my brother.   My aunt and I have been the primary ones since we are calm "fixer" types who get problems solved in order to get them off of our plates. 

I tried to remove myself from the rotation several years ago, but now my dad has died, my brother is ill, and my 86 year-old aunt has worn out & directed mom towards her children for care.  So I'm the only one left, holding this increasingly hot potato.

Can I get some opinions?  I still want to remove myself & get off this crazy ride.  I'd like to confer with my  brother & tell mom she either needs to go to assisted living, or we will hire a caregiver to deal with her daily issues.  If she burns out her caregivers, back to the assisted living option.  I'll keep managing her finances, as she is truly awful with money & I agreed to do that part.  Is this fair?

[Fiasco]

When they become truly elderly and increasingly needy (who knew that was even possible) it really is like a chasm opening up at your feet. Now is definitely the time to research elder care options, how they're paid for, and when each option is appropriate. There's a great forum on the aging care website. First off you absolutely do not pay for anything, I am not kidding, nothing. The costs are absolutely catastrophic which is why in the US we have Medicaid. Find out whatever income and assets she has and DO spend your money on a meeting with an elder care attorney. They can guide you on everything from your options to applying for Medicaid if and when needed.

I also manage every last iota of BPDm's finances. She's one more crisis away from catastrophe but at this time my options are to move heaven and earth to prop her up and make her think she's "independent" or let her carry on until the inevitable disaster happens. I will take over when disaster strikes. I have enough on my plate unraveling her never ending "banking frauds" which are almost always because she's fallen for a phishing scam.

Good luck, this is where your boundaries need to get up to 100%.

[wisingup]

Thanks Fiasco - I just checked out that forum.  I will spend some time there later today after work.  Looks like a ton of good info and support.

[Cat of the Canals]

Can I get some opinions?  I still want to remove myself & get off this crazy ride.  I'd like to confer with my  brother & tell mom she either needs to go to assisted living, or we will hire a caregiver to deal with her daily issues.  If she burns out her caregivers, back to the assisted living option.  I'll keep managing her finances, as she is truly awful with money & I agreed to do that part.  Is this fair?

This is beyond fair. If she's capable of burning out caregivers, what do you think she's going to do to you? At least they're getting paid!

[wisingup]

I made some good progress yesterday - found someone that is interested in caregiving for a few hours per month at a reasonable rate.  I'm trying to set up for my mom and I to meet her tomorrow & get her started.  I had a rough conversation with mom yesterday, trying to put an end to her calling me during the work day (she says "why don't you just ignore me when I call during the day?"  Um, why don't you just not call during the day? (headsmack)) 

I also told her that I will continue to manage the finances, but that is all I can do.  I had to put on my hard-nosed persona to avoid her just steamrolling right over me.  It's so strange to me that when I treat her very firmly, probably over the line into rudely, she gets super compliant & even fawning, trying to get back in my good graces.

I really need to work on myself too - however unpleasant the interactions with her, in the end I solve her problems for her.  I need to STOP this.  It will be uncomfortable for everyone, including me, in the short term but there's no other way out.  Had a good convo with my brother yesterday.  He said she never calls him with this daily frustration stuff & if she did he wouldn't feel any obligation to help her.  I'm not sure how he managed to get to that place & I didn't, but I want to join him there!!

[Cat of the Canals]

I had a rough conversation with mom yesterday, trying to put an end to her calling me during the work day (she says "why don't you just ignore me when I call during the day?"  Um, why don't you just not call during the day? (headsmack)) 

Because she still wants the OPPORUNITY to call and possibly have you answer. It would make her feel so important to be told "I can't talk to you during the work day." but then have you take her call anyway. My own PDmom just looooves special treatment like that. It's like a drug to her, no joke.

As for getting to the place your brother is at: if you haven't read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad, I highly recommend it.

[wisingup]

Thanks Cat - I did get that book & read most of it.  It was great that it focused on ME - the behaviors that I am doing that perpetuate the dysfunction.  I really need to stop enabling her.  I also came out with a new resolve to resist my aunt, whom I dearly love, but who insists that I must take on the care of my mom.  She wants to be relieved of the burden she's been carrying, which is fine, but I will no longer just blindly accept that it has to be me who steps up.  I'm doing a pretty big job - figuring out and managing her bills & finances - and that's enough.  I also just found her a paid caregiver / companion to help with her errands & appointments & will "manage" that person.  That's currently more than anyone else is doing,