Expressing repressed anger

[Hattie]

So my therapist tells me I have a lot of repressed anger. Idk, I can't really feel it as I numb out. Any ideas for how to access or express it? I tried the pillow punching thing and "angry drawing", lol. They were sort of helpful but a bit daft. Yoga, running etc seems to help a bit.

I'm intrigued by this but I find it upsetting as I can't seem to change it

[notrightinthehead]

I would ask my therapist what makes her say that. How does she know I have repressed anger?  What exactly do I do that are signs that I have repressed anger in me?
You say you numb out, does that mean you feel almost nothing at all? Could it be that your therapist thinks that you should feel angry about something that happened to you?
Anger is a very powerful emotion for me, I feel it in various parts of my body, when I have to repress it my shoulders, jaws, and neck are tense and clenched. My heart rate goes up. My breathing speeds up. Sometimes I start to shake. That is how anger feels for me.

[feralcat]

Ive had repressed anger for most of my life. I wasn't allowed to even look 'in a certain way' at my M. Eventually I stopped even feeling it. I could be stubborn, avoidant, hide away  etc , I.e. Passive aggressive, sometimes. It turned inwards , into anxiety and unhappiness. Self judgement.

Even on the occasions I could justifiably be expected to feel anger, I couldn't hold onto it. I wanted to. Anger is a great motivator/ energiser - if healthy and proportionate. I've welcomed it as such in the past. But it disappeared almost as quickly as it arrived. Or became depression.

When I came Out of the FOG , due to something unforgivable my M did, I got angry. Very angry.
And I was 'only' 60, duh ( don't know what age you are, but it's never too late).
What tipped the balance ? I'm not sure. Maybe it was because she was the person who installed that expectation in the first place, and something in me realised I'm not a child anymore. The unfairness ?

This anger coloured everything for a long time. But I welcomed it, like a long lost friend. It's helped me to transform myself. Grow up. Get braver.
It's subsided now, but it's still there, in its right place in my emotional repertoire. I'm not that passive aggressive any more. Clearer, more balanced.

And I've just started therapy again. This time though, I've stated I'd like a more forward looking, active, dialogue.
Not Right said something about asking how can your therapist tell (?). Well, my sessions are on the telephone, due to Covid, two so far. That's new to both of us. She stopped me this week, and asked me how I was feeling. She'd been able, on the phone, to tell that I was beginning to (hyperventilate?) . I hadn't even noticed. I'm amazed. So presumably a good therapist can tell see the signs. And point them out to you.

Maybe the two of you will find YOUR key in time. Tbh punching things, exercise etc wouldn't do it for me. Without identifying a good trigger to focus on. Too activity focussed (so avoidant) . Too much opportunity to get stuck into ruminating in an aimless way. 

Good luck

[Hilltop]

Hattie, I find meditating can help me feel the emotions.  I have found You Tube meditations that are for healing trauma and they get you to focus on a memory and then try to feel back into that memory.  Perhaps if you are numb that may help with getting you to feel the emotions.  Really listen to your body.  I can feel a knot come to my stomach and at other times a tightening in my chest or tension into my forehead and shoulders.  That is the start, feel that small shift and then work from there.  At first it wasn't overly noticeable to me but over time I started to feel what emotion was underneath.  Like I noticed a knot in my stomach and then was able to get to where is that coming from, what is causing that knot, is it sadness, anger etc.

As for expressing the anger, I have found journaling quite helpful.  You can write whatever you need to and then destroy it.  I found that with my MIL I did that over and over until one day it resolved.  I think it is something to do with getting it out as in actually speaking it out loud or writing it down, not holding back but saying what you really want to say which is why journaling is good because you can really let it rip and it's just for you.  However at first you have to access that anger which is where meditation has helped me.

Maybe just keep trying different things until you find what works for you.

[JustKeepTrying]

All the advice here is excellent.  I am in therapy and my therapist specializes in trauma.  It's through EMDR that I was able to address the anger and deal with it better.

There are two things I do now that help - twice a day a reminder comes up on my phone that asks these questions:  Do I accept myself as I am?  What am I feeling now? Are these feelings true and valid?  Who would I be if let go of that belief? if needed, pivot or change.  Somedays I ignore it but most of the time, I take 30 secs to feel and think about what I'm feeling.  It has helped me be more in sync with my surroundings and given me the courage to say "no, that does or doesn't work for me because I feel blank"

I also journal like suggested here.  I journal a little differently though and I find some startling revelations and it takes me places I didn't anticipate but afterward find very helpful.  I close my eyes and type - no worries about typos or spelling - and I don't censor myself.  In other words, I don't think, I shouldn't write that or someone will see it - I just start writing and don't stop until I purge all the anger, fear, resentment, etc - all the poison onto the page.  I have in a file marked daily shopping list so that if anyone finds my laptop - they won't be tempted to open the file.  It is so freeing and I feel so light after - i have described it as bleeding onto the page.