Finally saying goodbye to the illusion that was my relationship w/ NPD boyfriend

beachlover · January 29, 2022, 12:13:29 PM

My intuition has been strong since soon after our relationship started 2.5 years ago, when he professed so early on that we were meant to be together forever, and pushed to move in even though he hadn't even met my kids at that point yet (we never did move in, thankfully.) Yes, I was vulnerable, going through a divorce and also getting over someone for whom I had strong feelings. Yes, I bought into what I thought was a sincere commitment. We seemed so damn compatible and it seemed amazing.

Yet despite the good times there have been so many red flags since then: no real employment for God knows how long and no real attempts to do anything about it (he's too "special" to work for someone else), vague and evasive conversations about finances no matter how often or how many ways I broach the subject, several instances of raging, close/questionable relationships with women "friends," no follow-through, whether it's about exercising and losing weight, making money, etc., no accountability for any decisions or mistakes (everything is blamed on childhood issues, "not having a normal life," relationship with parent), entitlement, grandiosity and snobbiness that's off the charts, lack of support or validation for my career successes, gaslighting and flagrant lying, word salad and circular, exhausting conversations, disparaging remarks about/to my friends and misrepresentation about sexual performance/issues.

I. am. done.

No matter how he reacts, rages, tries to cut me down, etc. it can't hurt more than the illusion of the life he said we were going to have together. He said we were bound to be together till the end, and pushed, pushed, pushed to move in together, yet made no real attempts (beyond empty promises) to move forward towards that making tht life together a reality.

It hurts, but I have to remember I am grieving something that never was. It's like thinking you lost a million dollars in a fire only to find out afterwards that it was fake money. Just worthless paper.

He's in the "I promise I'm going to change phase," but I know it's all performative and will die off when he gets bored or realizes it's work, or that he doesn't need to change.

I made a long extensive list with categories that I mentioned above, and tons of examples, and then a shorter list to glance at if and when I feel my resolve wavering. Yes, I miss kissing him, and smelling him, and holding him. But it's not worth the pain. And the ROI has gotten less and less over time. And I can only see things getting worse, not better. No matter what he says.

I. am. done.

GentleSoul · January 29, 2022, 12:21:24 PM

I hear you, Beach Lover. I am sorry you are in this situation.

I relate to so very much of what you share. You are describing my late uPD husband.

Sending support and best wishes to you. Take care.

beachlover · January 29, 2022, 09:26:20 PM

Thank you GentleSoul, I appreciate the support. And I am sorry that you had to go through much of the same.

The whole thing continues to be such a mind f*ck though, you know? So much ruminating these last few weeks...so glad to have found this forum though, as well as Dr. Ramani's YouTube channel and book. A tiny part of me is curious to see if he CAN make the changes he's promising. But 99.9% of me knows 1. he will never change and can't change, 2. if his love was so real and true and authentic and forever he never would have treated me this way, nor would he have done so little to move towards a real life together.

I recently read a quote or meme on a narcissist FB group or IG page that I just keep going back to. It said all I needed was for you to love me responsibly, to be the person you said you were, to truly mean the things you said.

It's both liberating and excruciating to admit that he has done none of those things. Only lied, misrepresented, made empty promises, acted entitled and made excuse after excuse after excuse.

GentleSoul · January 30, 2022, 02:30:01 AM

I found Dr Ramani on You Tube a big help too. Brought me a lot of relief and comfort.

If you use TikTok, there are the most incredible resources on there too. In the Narctok side of the app. Both therapists and people who have experienced living with a PD person sharing about it. I found this a huge comfort. Also how they recovered from it.

I was able to see that PD people all pretty much do the same, so I could then see it wasn't personal to me. I had started to believe there was something deeply wrong with me.

I can now see I was primed for a PD/alcoholic marriage from growing up with PD/alcoholics parents.

nillah · January 31, 2022, 08:13:21 AM

Quote from: beachlover on January 29, 2022, 12:13:29 PM
It hurts, but I have to remember I am grieving something that never was. It's like thinking you lost a million dollars in a fire only to find out afterwards that it was fake money. Just worthless paper.

Phew, I can so relate! The endless promises of change that never come to fruition! The way it always feels just within reach, and then a new story pops up.

Hey--stay the course! Don't fall for this promises of change no matter how much a part of you wants to believe it. This part of you is seeking something that this man will not give you, so redirect that hope elsewhere! I fell for mine, and it was a pretty painful experience! He will sense that you're not a stable source anymore, and even if he doesn't show it right away, he will start discarding you. Mine suddenly started doing ALL the things that I had been asking for for years even as he was discarding me. It hurt like hell to see that it was never some kind of inability that prevented him from doing it, he just could never be bothered.

You deserve respect.
You deserve a consistent kind of love.

beachlover · February 01, 2022, 04:08:19 PM

Thanks nillah and GentleSoul. I finally left him last night. So many feelings going on right now--sadness, relief, freedom, lightness, anger, frustration. But I know it will get better.

1footouttadefog · February 01, 2022, 04:43:12 PM

For me it was more like I spent a million dollars with or me on something that was fake.

1footouttadefog · February 02, 2022, 09:46:31 AM

That should say a million dollars worth of me....

I need to use a stylus to type, my thumbs don't match my screen,. Mismatch story if my life. Lol

Shakenbutnotstirred · February 09, 2022, 09:47:20 AM

I could have written this, the two completely different versions of my ex in my head just makes my head spin!

Now I just need to let go of the teddy bear version that I fell in love with

bohemian butterfly · February 14, 2022, 11:09:48 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

The following really resonated and I thought it was very insightful:

"It hurts, but I have to remember I am grieving something that never was. It's like thinking you lost a million dollars in a fire only to find out afterwards that it was fake money. Just worthless paper."

To me, this is the hardest part. The illusion. Because the illusion (like a magic trick) seems so real. It's hard to wrap your brain around, hence I guess the cognitive dissonance.

My ex was sooooo likeable. I mean, everyone loved (loves) him. Even my own mother said something along the lines of "he was the best person you ever dated, he got along with the family, and he really bonded with the kids (my nieces and nephews). But we support you...." 🤪
He is also super super smart, good looking and a farmer (public service, really into helping the community).

The aforementioned is why I question myself at times, but then I realize an intimate partner sees more than meets the eye. We see truths that others are never exposed to. It's hard though, weighing the good against the dysfunctional, especially when the dysfunctional looks so darn good at times.

I broke up with my ex in June 2019, but got back together with him a few months later after he came to me crying and saying that he would change, that he realized he had made a mistake, that he took me for granted, etc. etc. I took a chance and got back together with him. I remember the next morning, and that feeling of deep sadness and disappointment, that I had gotten back together with him, mostly because I felt guilty that I had hurt a person, and also that nagging feeling that it was just me, that I was a fool, that any woman would think I was crazy for letting a good one go, etc. etc. etc.

At first it seems like things had changed. I did not return to the farm where we had lived together, I stayed in the home I had bought, but found that I was still going back to the farm on a constant basis, which tore me apart, because I had cats that I adored at my house, and I felt like they weren't getting the attention they needed, plus I was thrust back into a role of being an employee at the farm again. Getting me to run all of his errands, helping his elderly mom, helping do the farm work, helping with the animals, all while I am juggling a full-time job of my own, and pets of my own and a life of my own

I'm sorry, I did not mean to take over and talk about my story. I guess my point is, that a lot of us give these people second chances, because there was love there at one time, and I think we all like to believe in the best of people, especially if we've devoted a lot of time and feelings, we just want to believe so badly that they were the person we thought they were.