Stuck

[Amadahy]

I am stuck.  Everything is triggering to me -- I feel so angry and slighted having been abused and used by my Nmom and the whole dysfunctional family system.  Kindness is triggering.  Meanness is triggering.  I find all I am able to do is sit in my chair and do nothing.  I need to work to contribute to our family income, but the thought of facing people is scary and unnerving.  (I quit an at-home position in December, 2021.)  I am so angry, quickly, at things that don't make sense to anyone else.  I don't want to take out anger on someone else, but I'm really afraid I could easily just tell the whole world to F*ck off.  Whew ...  It's hard to write that.  Hard to admit that.

I had a great therapist who relocated.  Her replacement was hideously horrid.  I don't have a lot of money for therapy and choices are limited for me, as I don't drive out of my town.  I don't have social activities or even a close friend group.  I have lots of nice acquaintances who really don't know me well.  I feel alone around others and am pretty dang socially awkward now.

My DH (who is supportive, but doesn't really understand my fragile state) offered last night for me to not worry about finding work for this year.  We have some savings we could draw from.  I am touched by his offer, but I don't know how to accept kindness without feeling selfish or guilty or bad.  I don't want to sit in this stupid chair for all of 2022, frozen and afraid.

I am a writer.  I know how to write, although you wouldn't know it by this pitiful example.  He's suggested I write.  I take the whole damn year and write.  Can I do that without feeling guilty, beholding, selfish, or bad in some elusive way?  I remember Nmom calling me selfish as I was growing up.  I can't remember the circumstance, but all I ever tried to do was please her -- at my own expense, obvious to me now.  I feel like my whole life has been one big trauma response -- not really knowing who I am or what I am about without trying to cope with everything.  I've never explored what I might really love or be good at; I've mostly just driven myself very hard to achieve where I thought I could.  The writing. I tell myself, is frivolous.  But, my other option is this dang chair.

I realize I am very fortunate to have this offer from DH.  I've often hoped for such, but now I just don't know if I can make a go of it.  I am a big self-saboteur.  I'll have success and then back away and self-isolate or I'll achieve a new level of learning and then go into hiding.  I realize I need further counseling and will probably explore some of the on-line options.

Thank you for being a space I can ramble.  I appreciate any thoughts or suggestions. 

[Poison Ivy]

I think your husband has offered you a lovely gift. Even if he doesn't totally understand your fragile state, he seems to have some understanding. I encourage you to do anything that gets you "out of the dang chair."

[Boat Babe]

Hey Amadahy, gentle hug and hi!

I just want to say please give yourself permission to be a bit poorly for a few weeks, even a few months. You don't have to commit to a whole year off if your inner critic is giving you a hard time. Tell them that resting is not laziness and that you have some healing to do. Then do a self compassion exercise - they're great. I think you should take up your husband's wonderful offer and  repair your mind, body and soul.  You owe it to yourself and also to him and others who truly love you. Be very, very gentle with yourself.

[Hilltop]

Amadahy, you are not alone in how you feel.  I hear you.  It feels for me that I have reached a point where I am simply worn out, exhausted.  Years of struggling with this dysfunctional family system that I didn't understand, the self doubt it created, the lack of trust in myself and the inner critic I am left with.  At the moment I am taking some leave from work for the sole purpose of simply giving myself some time to heal.

If your DH has offered this year and you feel like you need it, take it.  It may not end up being the whole year but if you need some time out, then do that for yourself.  I feel myself at the moment that I can be quick to anger, often I don't even want to leave the house and I have come to recognise that this isn't ok for me.  It's a sign that things are not ok.  I feel like it's important to listen to these warning signs and take the time we need to heal.

I don't have any answers but wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[JustKeepTrying]

Amadahy,

There is some lovely advice and support given here that makes me want to do a big  !

I would like to address the writer in you.  I too write.  Now I am writing travel articles and I have written a few books.  And many more books in the first draft.  I stop and start and self-sabotage.  There are months when I just can't do it.  I am completely drained and there is creative well to draw from.  I find that when I can sit in nature, silence, and time with myself, that well slowly fills.  Right now my health has drained my well and it's all a struggle.

If you can, find a balance by looking within.  Is it people you don't want to be around?  If so, consider a job from home part time or hourly that wouldn't take a lot of time or energy.  You can contribute enough to cover groceries or therapy - then structure a couple of hours a day to write.  Anything. Write anything even the simplest exercise.  Make it a habit like set a timer on your phone and when it dings tell yourself and others around it's writing time and go do that.  Start with half-hour and build.  It's like physical exercise - you have to practice.

I journal nightly.  I do a complete mental dump at night where I don't censor myself or even correct my typos.  I think as a writer this is the best way to pour that poison out of me.  I find it most freeing and if I don't censor - I find myself writing about things that I never knew or wanted to know where inside me - yet it's so freeing and there is a lightness afterward.

You have been through a war.  Now is the time to take care of yourself and follow a dream. 

[notrightinthehead]

Whatever you decide, keep on sharing with us. We are on this journey together.

I took a year off, probably more than a year. It was not a conscious decision, more like small, short term decisions not to do one thing and try something else instead or do nothing at all and it turned out that way. I spent a lot of time with self reflection, reading, and getting to know myself. I think I have made some progress but there is far to go.  I definitely am more comfortable and kinder with myself,  so there is something. Healing from abuse is slow for me,  learning to tune into myself and knowing what I want, think, feel is hard work and I am often disheartened. But there is progress.

So, whatever you decide to do, you embarked on the healing path - no need to make big decisions right now,  baby steps, remember?

[1footouttadefog]

I got a bad place where I was angry over the of influence on my life and my stop and start and sabataged successes. 

Nothing seemed a match I had no motivations.

I had to re evaluate all of my goals and find the real me and make goals anew based on the now me not the then me.  I needed to sift out the of influenced and I got rid of some goals, brought some back to life and made some new ones.
.once I had goals and plans that were a better fit I found motivation again.  I still struggle at times and the carrot still gets moved as do the targets bit it's less pd influenced and seems saner

[Psuedonym]

Hi Amadahy,

I will offer some advice from my psychiatrist, who was great. She said 'you spend way too much time in your own head, ruminating on things, and you need to do things that get you out of that state.' That was very true and very helpful, and it might be good for you as well.

Taking time to write sounds great, but if you're still sitting in that 'dang chair' all day, trying to write, you're still stuck in your head. I would try to balance that with things that get you out of your head. Like going to the gym or yoga class, or if you don't do those, go walking. Join a walking group or a hiking group. Cooking, gardening, anything physical, will help get you out of your head, and if you find a group or class you can join, you might meet some new people. Physical things are also a great way to burn off some of the anger you've been suppressing all these years.

I have horses myself. Some days working from home (I think this pandemic has made all the c-ptsd stuff a zillion times worse btw) I'll think $#%@ I'm in a $#@% mood, everything is annoying  or overwhelming and I don't want to do anything, including going to the barn. And I try to think my way out of my mood, which does not work at all. Inevitably, when I make myself get up and go to the barn (even though its winter and friggin cold and dark at 5), after spending an hour there....poof, I feel 1000% better. Everything I was annoyed by or overwhelmed by seems like not that big a deal and I can put it in perspective.

The hardest part of course is getting up and doing something you don't feel like doing, but repetition can make it easier. Another thing to consider is consider talking to your doctor about medication for depression and/or anxiety if you haven't. Feeling stuck, trapped, feeling worthless, and not having interest in doing anything other than sitting in your chair is a hallmark of depression, and medication can make a world of difference in my experience.

Hope that helps a little!