I am amazed at her capacity to lie

[Sneezy]

I have a cousin who is ill (but thankfully recovering).  She confided in me and asked me in particular not to let my mom know about her illness, as mom would call non-stop and want updates and would also likely share personal details with others.  Unfortunately, my DH said something in front of my mom about my cousin.  I told mom it was no big deal, cousin was ill, but is recovering and would prefer that no one make a big deal out of it or start calling.  So of course, my mom has started calling everyone in the family, swearing everyone to secrecy, and doing her best to act concerned while pumping everyone for more details.

I called mom out on her behavior and told her to just drop it and let it be.  I pleaded with her not to call my cousin, as this would both upset my cousin and also make me (and DH) look bad.  First, mom denied that she had called anyone.  Just flat out lied and denied it.  Then she changed tactics and now claims that she already knew everything.  In fact, she knows way more than I do and cousin has told her everything and asked for mom to continue calling her for updates.  Mom ended the call by proclaiming that everyone shares secrets with her all the time and she was like a little child as she told me "I know more secrets than you do."

I need a break from my mom.  I promised her I would take her shopping this week, but I just can't.  I can't take the lies and the childish behavior.  But if I cancel our shopping trip or make any more fuss about what she did, that just creates more drama, which she loves.  Sometimes I don't know if it's better to give in to her demands to avoid drama, or take a break from her, which only leads to more drama.  It feels like a no-win situation.

[Hilltop]

Hey Sneezy I am so sorry this has happened.  I am glad your cousin is feeling better.  I am wondering if you should reach out and let your cousin know what happened and apologise (even though it wasn't intentional).  I am thinking if she finds out that your mother has been talking to the whole family, there may be some confusion there and it may just clear the air.

PD's lie and like you I find it baffling that this thing of secrets is so important to them.  My mother does the same, she withholds information and appears to get enjoyment from knowing things that I am in the dark about.  However she needs to know everything and goes to great lengths to ensure she has the information she wants, it is some sort of power game.  Then the fact that they routinely use that information against you it just makes it very hard. The fact that your mother actually said to you about knowing more secrets than you do is really weird.  I mean was she upset she wasn't the first to know or not told so now this is her way of building herself up by saying she knows more than you, I suppose they are competitive aren't they.

I think apart from her childish behaviour, I can only imagine you are concerned with this damaging your relationship with your cousin.  That's the thing with having PD's around us, they damage us and damage our relationships, eventually they get something with that information that they can use and then create some drama with.  I dare say this is a no win situation.  There is drama if you are there and drama if you take a break.  If you take a break she may do a smear campaign which is why I would be honest with your cousin.

I'm really sorry, they just love this stuff and it's exhausting to be around.  It was a simple honest mistake on your Dh's part and I really hope there is no fall out with the cousin.  Big hugs, its crappy.

[Sneezy]

I mean was she upset she wasn't the first to know or not told so now this is her way of building herself up by saying she knows more than you, I suppose they are competitive aren't they.

Mom is very upset that I knew something before she did.  You are right, she is extremely competitive.  When she first moved near me, I took her to my church.  Of course, my friends welcomed her and said nice things about me (which is exactly what friends do, right?).  Several people commented that she must be proud to have a daughter who was active in the church, etc.  Mom was anything but proud.  I could see her anger.  She didn't like people saying anything nice about me.  Because, of course, it's all about her.  She is an awful person and I am really struggling with how much contact to continue to have with her.

[moglow]

I boiled all that down with mommie dearest as gossip - if it's just discussing other people's personal business and not actually helping or communicating with that person directly, it's gossip and I want no part of it. I don't want to hear or participate on any level. She really didn't like my stance but I stuck to it hard.

I'll play dumb and happy all day long and deny any/all knowledge regardless of what I know or my personal feelings about it. She claimed over and over that it IS my business because it's family - Um NO until that family member tells me directly, it's not my (and certainly not HER) business. I stopped listening to the explanations, her insistence, her digging for more info, any of it. Not. My. Stuff. And boy did that piss her off!!

Another thing all that did for me is confirm that she talked about any/everything I told her, behind MY back as well. She twisted and turned every little thing where she's the innocent, just concerned for me/them etc. No, she's just digging drama.

You might want to talk to your cousin, let her know mommie dearest picked up something and is going on about it, so cousin isn't blind sided. Beyond that, keep in contact with cousin and keep it between the two of you.

***
That said - that shopping trip you'd planned? Cancel it. You're not feeling up to it, feel like you're coming down with something cough cough, just no. If she NEEDS groceries, etc, you can have them delivered to her. Find a way, make it so, give yourself a break.

[Liketheducks]

I'm so sorry Sneezy.   Do we have the SAME mother?      There has GOT to be a textbook, because they all seem to use the same tricks.     I think giving the cousin a heads-up is an excellent idea.   This wasn't an intentional thing, and that might give cousin more space to deal with it while also recovering.   

I remember a moment when called a dear friend who was able to provide our son with a recommendation letter getting him into a great school.   My mom.... rather than be happy for him, or happy that we were able to get the recommendation, or happy that our kiddo is such a great guy that our friend was over the moon to write the recommendation......all she could say was "I have friends like that".   
DH gifted me a car.....narc parents were all...."that car is the most often carjacked".      Graduated from college?   Narc parents be like "I could have gone".      Fairytale wedding, narc/married mom catches the bouquet.      I had a therapist explain to me once that it comes from an enormously insecure space.   The behavior is code for "I am lovable too".    That part makes me sad for them.     How low must one feel to be threatened by their own child's happiness, connection with others, and success!   

What is it about narc mom's and daughters and jealousy??            I'll never understand being jealous of my child.   Happy for them?  All day long!   It stops being about the mom when the kiddo - who has no choice in the matter - is born.   Not saying that parents should sacrifice everything for their children, but....puleaze.....priorities people!     

By all means, take a break.   Take a long break.  The family will eventually see this for what it is.   

[Cat of the Canals]

I think I've mentioned before that the first words out of PDmil's mouth when my husband told her about a health issue and impending surgery I needed to have were, "Well. I feel out of the loop." And naturally it never occurred to her that she was illustrating exactly WHY she wouldn't be someone we'd go to for support or want to confide in.

I'm frustrated on your behalf, Sneezy. Between this and your IL's, you need a break, but your mom won't ever let that happen. Extra frustrating is the fact that her behavior could make things awkward with your cousin. That's infuriating.

[Sneezy]

That said - that shopping trip you'd planned? Cancel it. You're not feeling up to it, feel like you're coming down with something cough cough, just no. If she NEEDS groceries, etc, you can have them delivered to her. Find a way, make it so, give yourself a break.

Thanks Moglow!  Luckily for me, there is a winter storm headed our way.  So we will have to hunker down, no driving, stay inside for a few days.  Which means no shopping trip this week.  I will have to eventually do this shopping outing, though.  The shopping trip is to get my mom a dress for my DD's wedding.  I despise shopping, especially with my mom.  But DD is worried that her grandmother will show up in something totally inappropriate, and I can see that happening.  Don't get me wrong - I am 100% in favor of every woman wearing whatever she pleases at any age.  But I don't want the grandmother of the bride to be the one thing that everyone is talking about at the wedding.  So I will, eventually, take her dress shopping.  Just not now.  And I have already told her that I have a three or four store limit, and if that isn't enough, she can order a dress online.