New here, exhausted but strong!

[maturingstudent]

Hi everyone.  I'm so glad I found this place!  I've been married to my husband for 17 years and we generally bump along ok but certain things he does have always rattled me.  To be perfectly clear, I rattle him too!  I'm neurodiverse, as is our 18 yo so we have our challenges.  Having had a row (over our darling neuro- and gender-diverse 18 yo!) a couple of days ago, it suddenly hit me that my husband's traits must have a label of some kind.  People having been telling me for years that 'something's going on with him', but they've sometimes queried autism and I knew it wasn't that - I'm on the spectrum, as are several members of my family and I've worked for years with autistic people.  The traits I see you may well be familiar with: always having to be right; little empathy; not interested in doing things for other people that don't benefit him in some way; constant need for ego-stroking; thinks he's cleverer than everyone; loves to lecture people and/or show off his achievements (he is a clever man, so there are many!); emotionally manipulative - i.e., it's not okay for him to 'agree to disagree', he has to brow beat people into accepting his pov or he'll give them the silent treatment; remarkably ungrateful and unappreciative - doesn't recognise anyone else's work. 

I'd really like to learn to manage my feelings around these issues.  I do want us to stay together - we have two teenage children and, as a mature PG student, I currently have no independent income.  Like I say, most of the time we rub along pretty well, but there are pinch points where I will not cave in to his needs - i.e., when I have to put the children's interests first - and, as someone who grew up with an emotionally distant mother and an abusive father, I've never learned to handle conflict that well.  I particularly hate the silent treatment and the 'poor me' victimhood mindset my husband gets in when I take my children's side over his.  Any tips gratefully received!

[bloomie]

maturingstudent - Hi there and welcome to Out of the FOG.  I am glad you have joined the community as you build a toolset and strategies to work through the emotional impact certain habitual behaviors you are experiencing in relationship with your husband that are causing frustration and stress.

There is a kind of exhale when we are able to put a name to certain behaviors we are seeing in a loved one and how that helps me as it gives me a place to start looking for what to do and not to do in response.

The toolbox and traits info at the drop down menus above are a great place to begin sifting through and learning from. I also have found the glossary really good to open up and begin reading the collection of descriptions and relational patterns described there.

The best tip I can offer is to begin with doing boundary work - examining both my level of internal and external engagement with certain behaviors and circumstances surrounding a loved one's choices that are causing chaos and strife. Asking myself "what is mine to do" in those moments and getting comfortable with someone I love being out of sorts or not 'liking' my choices - such as when I put needs of my children or myself first - has been important in steadying my own course going forward.

Getting a handle on how much I think about, worry about, devout my thought life to (internal boundaries) another's unmanaged behaviors or immature emotional responses has been a healthy focus since coming Out of the FOG.

Spending time in this community, where others are dealing with similar issues, finding validation, some good answers, resources, and support has helped me a great deal. I hope as you participate and engage you will find respite and a way forward where you don't have to live exhausted.

[maturingstudent]

Thank you!  You're right about being kind of relieved at finding a label - I thought it was just me going mad!  Going to have a look at the toolbox right now!