The lovebomb

[hhaw]

EM:

Because you mentioned the stbx hans't apologized I'm going to write out what comes to mind. You take what makes sense.

Your stbx will never be sorry for what she's done to you and your shared daughters.  She doesn't think she's done anything wrong bc she's disordered and broken and her priority from this moment forward will always be to relentlessly push you to discredit yourself and take the power OUT of your ability to divorce her, protect the children,  be heard by the courts or anyone.... she's going to be pressuring you to remove your ability to be believed... THATs what will save her from the current threat of being exposed, divorced or removed from her current position of power within your family. 

Once she's done that, she's going to be angry at you bc you FORCED her to do whatever she's forced to do to get you to discredit yourself.  She might apologize and play nice....but know she'll be furious about having to DO that and she'll PUNISH you with great anger and force.... you won't understand what hit you, IME.

I'm not kidding when I say she's about to experience fear and threat that drives her to lengths you can't even imagine and do NOT want to take head on, in person or even through a phone line.  You want to limit your exposure to the PD for SO many reasons.  You're feeling a bit of strenght now, but don't blow it thinking you might be able to stand up to her for a bit,bc I don't think you understand what that means and that's OK.  Not understanding is part of what gets us moving so we begin the divorce journey, but at the end most of us say....I never would have started this had I known how difficult it would be and I believe that's the truth.    You have a good plan, a good attorney, you've documented and reported to the proper authorities....you've done so many things well and I'm very proud of you, EM.

The word relentless always always comes to mind when I picture a cornered PD at the edge of divorce court.

When I picture the non PD parent.....I picture someone who's working to keep everyone's world moving and as normal as possible.  Childcare, the children's school and outside activities and mental health, your business, your own mental health and the PD pressing in with the energy of 5 normal people, pointing all her energy at you.... and you're splitting your focus, unaware of the pressure the PD will bring....... it's more than draining, IME.  It's meant to take you apart, in pieces...the PD will do whatever it takes to disarm your ability to expose her, IME.

The PD might start making smaller asks...... and you'll start to give in JUST TO BRING a moments peace, which you have NOW after the short trip you took away.  I can't explain the relentless pressure of the PD pressing in and asking for little things over and over and over and over while you have all those other balls in the air.  It's difficult to withstand, IME.  Maybe impossible.

Please don't squander what strength you've gained, bc the PD is going to take it from you and more, I promise she will. I think you know she will, so when I read your post about going back in...... being surprised, yet again, she hasn't apologized yet....
SHE HASN'T APOLOGIZED YET, BC SHE DOESN'T THINK SHE'LL HAVE TO to get you back under control.

Once she fails to get you to drop the divorce with current methods she's GOING TO ESCALATE.  She's going to try to get you to lose your mind, then she'll point at you and claim she's THE VICTIM. The children might testify SHE IS, bc they're emotional safety depends on whether or not she's terrorizing them or not.  She doesn't have to prove she's the victim, just create some confusion and get the court wondering if you're not disordered too. 

Most of all..... I think it's likely she will eventually apologize and make you believe she's going to change...... convince you to put the divorce on hold....... but all she really needs to do is get you to waffel a bit so people begin to believe you made up all the abuse stuff, bc IF IT WAS TRUE you wouldn't ever hestitate in your proceedings to protect the girls and divorce the abuser.

If it was true, you wouldn't continue to subject your children to the abuse without getting them some relief.

IF it was true you wouldn't stay and take it.

Once she has you waffling a bit, your attorney will lose patience and the courts will think you're just abother person who's not going to follow through with charges against their abuser or their divorce petition.  I have to tell you, there is nothing quite like the feeling of losing the support of your own attorney and police and friends, etc.....nothing, esp after you've done all this work to begin the divorce, speak the difficult truth and GET that support.

I think the statistics show people being abused leave their abuser 6 or 7 times before leaving for good.  They go back over and over, bc the cycle of abuse is THAT...... getting sucked back in and I understand that better than anyone,but I destroyed my credibility even though I absolutely didn't believe my ASPD would change. I was just trying to avoid being injured.... I was trying to protect my children and avoid an all out war, which was crazy, bc divorcing a PD IS ALL OUT WAR whether we like it or not and we most certainly will not like it, I promise you.

I hope you can accept divorce with a PD is likely through a trial court.  Please don't fear trial.... it's your friend, bc you documented and can prove your case where the PD will rely on dramatic posturing as victim and manipulating the children and some dumb one or two people in the court system, but she won't be fool everyone all the time.  Trying to settle ANYTHING with a PD who's likely pathologically unable to settle ANYTHING is another very taxing journey I hope we can walk you through without too much loss of skin,but that bridge if and when we get to it.

Now you're feeling a little better, please don't squander your strength testing the PD waters, bc the stbx is energized by threat and driven to extreme levels of energy to focus on ONE THING....breaking you down, crushing the kids enough to flip you into fight or flight mode.......maybe aplogizing eventually and crying abot how she understands what she did and how she's going to change and you'll feel like whatever she's asking you to do in return for that apology will be more than worth it, esp if you're still in the house with her IN your space.

When board members say to get the PD out of your space and your head there's a very good reason, EM.

The PDs are relentlessly focused on breaking you down in a long war of small battles and you're always going to be focuses on the kids,. the business, your struggling mental health, what the courts and bystanders think AND the stbx.

How can you stand up to that without buckling in at least one area?  You can't and I hope you don't have to live it to understand how these things go sideways, escalate and legal cases expanded in every direction,bc the PD managed to bait you or get you to sabotage your own case or uproot your ability to be heard and believed.

You can't imagine life without your credibility, but the PD can. She understsands well..... THATs all that's standing between ruin and her continue control over you and ability to hide what she's doing.

If you weren't modeling dysfunction and abuse for your children...... there would be far less on the line, IMO.

Since you have a very narrow window to help your children before they're choosing mates and starting families of their own.... your going back into the family home, thinking about the stbx apologizing or not apologizing makes me very nervous for you and your ability to stand up to what's about to come.

STBX is about to lose her mind and go into survival mode herself........ think about what that might look like.  Do you fear she'll go all the way to scorched earth tactics?  It's difficult to know for sure, but you likely have a gut feeling about how far she'll go.

One thing's for sure....stbx has NOTHING to do but put pressure on you till you squeak and she'll use the children shamelessly and to their detriment..... she'll flip and flop and rage and purr and cry and make promises while telling the most outrageious lies behind your back and these are the brass tacks of PD strategy.  Please don't let her blindside you.... don't let her take your focus off the mission...... getting your children into a safe space with good therapy and the ability to model life skills, healthy boundaries and coping strategies they'll take into adulthood and use while dealing with their mother, always.

That's the mission and it's dependent on your ability to make that final break wiith the stbx. There's so much riding on your every choice from here on out, EM.

Nuff said.

[Boat Babe]

 

[escapingman]

Thank you hhaw. Thank you. Thank you so much. Right now all I can say is Thank you. Thank you.

[hhaw]

Your stbx will lose her power over you very soon. 

Once you'e in therapy.....once you're emotionally safe and have physical distance.... you're going to blossom and feel great joy again.

Stay the course.  Hold.... hold..... hold and don't doubt you can do this. 

Saying NO to your stbx will be difficult, but it will make you so much stronger.

I promise.

[JustKeepTrying]

escapingman,

About six weeks after I left my x, he was begging me to meet him and talk in person.  The process of the divorce was going forward and we had settled on temporary child support and alimony.  I truly didn't understand the process because I was still so shell-shocked.  So I met him in a public place.

He sat in my car in the local park facing the trees.  I was MC the whole time and could barely look at him.  My skin was crawling and at the same time, I wanted so badly to go back and apologize and just call it all off and be normal.  He apologized and told me I was his best friend and the love of his life.  And he cried.  Really cried.

While I felt sorry for him and wanted to bend and give in, there was this cold part of my brain that looked at him and wondered how scripted it was.  There was a script to it like this is what I should do and then she will come back. 

I told him that the divorce would go through.  I couldn't be financially tied to him anymore but if he continued in therapy like he promised and worked hard, and we talked once a month, I would get back together in a year's time.  After lots of therapy and self-work.  I told him I still loved him but I would not put up with the abuse anymore.  He needed to get help. 

We didn't talk again until the final settlement.  He never took me up on the offer.  If I didn't go back on his terms, it was all off.  He tried to hide money up to the end. and even after.  He continued to be abusive but I know now that he only has power if I give it to him.  And that is peace worth fighting for.

I couldn't have done it living with him though.  I had to move out because I knew he would kill me in one of his rages.  Or I would have caved again.  Being physically separated gave me the peace I needed to deal with him.

I grow stronger every day that I am away from him.  You will too. So will your girls.  But be prepared for some crazy stuff.  I had never seen him cry so it was just a complete shock to me.  And it was one of the hardest things I had ever done.

You can do this.  We will be here for you.

[escapingman]

Apparently she is making some changes, big ones, not for her selves but for me. I never asked for them, and the fact she doesn't do them for herself means she will throw it back in my face in the end. No I am not buying it, she can change anything for all I care, the only thing that would make any change would be if she admitted the abuse, apologised  and actually went to therapy and to get help. I know that won't happen, but if it did I think it is to late anyway. But she needs to discuss these changes and is telling me we need to talk. I know what that means, she talk until I cave. So I wont talk. I am scheduled to be home again in a couple of days, not sure I can manage that. But I am not sure what else to do, I need to see my girls. Maybe I can delay another day, but I think I also need to get the realisation this is actually happening. I am still so trauma bonded I still feel some obligation to her, not at all as before but it's still there. I probably need to talk to my solicitor again about any issues with me being away, or moving out. I suppose STBX can't use it against me being away this time as I had her agreeing to it. But any longer could go against me I suppose.

STBX and her lawyer has still not got in contact with mine, I suppose that means she has still not given any instructions and still hope I cave.

[Boat Babe]

That's good. As soon as you are away from her, you start regaining your clarity. I suggest another chat with your legal eagle to confirm that you moving out of the family home will not have a detrimental effect on the divorce proceedings and the custody of the children. With that, strongly anchored in your mind, I suggest you look for accommodation asap. Make it near enough to the family home so to put can see the children easily be and get there quickly if there's an emergency (them not her). You have filed for divorce, your stbx has legal representation. There is no reason to live together anymore. Get a nice place to live, hopefully half the time, if not more, with your girls.

[escapingman]

She keep calling and calling. The more she call me the more I feel repulsed by her. No boundaries, not a single one. I feel sick.

[hhaw]

EM:

You're still coming Out of the FOG and that's the way it goes......with difficult truths going in and out of focus, over and over.  You have children mixed in you care about...how could you feel otherwise? 

This phase is so much worse when the stbx has access to you, ime.  It's almost a form of torture and the stbx understands all your hot buttons and weaknesses....she knows what you need to hear, bc you've told her many times.  Soon, she's going to dig deep, remember those were words, grit her teeth (she'll feel and hide furious anger) and say them to you along with promises and tears.... you'll be very touched and want to make it stop.  All of it.  The stbx will promise everyone's pain will stop.  She'll promise that and more, just what you always needed to hear.

My ASPD stbx promised to divorce me peacefully, be an amazing man then marry me again in Paris.  I didn't believe it BUT the promise of a peaceful divorce, along with all the threats he was making daily, my sleep he was interrupting, my young DD's I was caring for while the stbx ran around sabotaging me, telling stories to the neighbors, friends and my family.......I didn't realize I was helping him sabotage ME.....expand the legals to years......all the work you did....I did but the stbx access to me broke me down and I thought I was giving myself a break only to find the stbx had exacting goals every time he asked for anything.....and his ability to be razor focused and calculating trumped my ability to see through the FOG.  Fear....obligation and guilt, my God..... it's a lot to carry and you're in charge of keeping food in the table, you feel guilt for the abuse to your kids you'd do anything to stop and the stbx will eventually admit the abuse and say what you want to hear,EM.  She will bc it's not a matter of if you'll buckle.  It's a matter of when fir her, bc you always do.

Your wife is talking to her attorney about the details of sabotaging your legal case.  She is in contact with him....they aren't silent.   They're communicating and she's figuring out how to unhinge you, your legal case or both.  She knows she can do it with enough access to you.

If you begin waffling, her attorney will be feeding the PD's stories to your attorney and life sucketh very badeth when your attorney accuses you if doing things the stbx made up.  Once my stbx made up and copied fake IMs after the police had been called out.....really embarrassing stuff.....terrible things about us having hot Jerry Springer sex after the cops left!!!  OMG, I had court THE next  morning and my attorney threw those fake IM messages in my face with disgust.....I was mortified and my attorney didn't believe they were faked evidence!

Since I'd been freaked out I asked an elderly friend to spend that night with her big dog and they sat at the foot of my bed till my kids and I were asleep so I had to get her to the courthouse where my stbx saw her so he'd back down on the IMs, which he did, but he wasn't punished for the lie or manufacturing evidence and eventually he DID get my divorce petition kicked out of court, my attorneys were arses who didn't care if I was being threatened and driven insane and so I had to start over.......OMG.  You have no idea what trouble I could have saved myself by separating myself from the stbx.....SO much confusion and then a second divorce was filed and dismissed when the Judge discovered stbx was hiding from service so he reinstated the first petition but then all the legal language was blurry bc there was a time the petition had been dismissed and I was documenting well enough to get myself out of hell but only after getting dragged into hell and it all comes down to getting distance from the stbx, ime. 

Are you going to allow yourself to be manipulated through the trauma bond OR are you going through accept your marriage and dysfunctional family is over for good, done and put it behind you as you begin a new life and shift into living it? 

You can't do it if  the stbx is constantly inside your head and that's why she's asking to talk, to see you, to work things out.... it's just a matter of how hard she has to grit her teeth and say what you've always deserved to hear, but she's going to say it ONLY to manipulate and destroy your credibility and that should make you angry!  THAT should also terrify you for everyone's mental health, particularly your own....and the children.

When you talk to your attorney tell her you have the separate from the stbx bc the adult conflict is harming your children bc the PD refuses to stop talking about it in front of the children and to the children....tell him the stbx is crushing the kids with accusations the divorce is their fault.  It's the truth and it is crushing the girls.  Remember to speak calmly, level voice, only give the hamburger, no bun ...keep it short and back everything you allege up with evidence.

Don't demand or tell your attorney what needs to happen.  Give her room to come to her own conclusions.  Speak without expectation beyond separating so she suggests to the stbx move the ut IF that's brought up at all.

Stop protecting the stbx and please protect your children.

Ask for an emergency hearing over the stbx refusal to stop talking about the divorce in front of the children.

If your kids were really being harmed.... wouldn't you DO something about it?  People will eventually ask that.....why, if stbx was doing what she's doing,could you allow it to go on and on and on.

Here's the thing, EM......divorced typically have a cadence to them.  The petitioner files and the defendant responds.  Requests for documents begin and the back and forth churning if fees is the important piece for attorneys who treat each other with more care often than their own clients.

I believe attorneys have to shield themselves from the children's plight out of self care, but sometimes attorneys are PDs too.  When you speak to your attorney ask these questions:

What is our Judge like?

What is opposing counsel like?

Can we ask this Judge to shield my children from my stbx refusal to stop including in the divirce and blaming them for it outright? 

An emergency hearing is how we handle things here.  Not sure about here, but your attorney will know.

Separating bc the stbx is leveraging your childrens'emotional safety seems wise and you would be the likely parent to have the children if your wife is refusing to heed the Judge's directive to not discuss the divorce in front of the children

You have tapes.  Pick the one where your stbx is blaming the children and conspiring with you to blame them.  Pick one where she's raging in front of the girls and run it by your attorney with all your focus and intention to steer your divorce in a positive direction off the traditional slow path every divorce is on unless one asks for more and shows cause to deviate.

If you don't ask, you won't get anything so go ahead, suspend expectation, put in your game face and ask.

If not now, when?

[escapingman]

I am declaring full scale war. Wish me luck. I am sick of her. GC started messaging me about STBX,  that was the final straw. I will never go back home. Ever. I will contact the police I want to proceed with my report of her abuse. I just had enough. I can't do it anymore.

[hhaw]

You
Go
EM!

Capitalizing on the good groundwork you've established is wise and likely to bring relief to your children with economy of motion, ime.

Everything in my bones is leaning into your current strategy and I suggest you avoid speaking to the stbx at all in the meantime.

Optimization of the systems in place will shorten your suffering and struggle and that of your children.

Well done, EM

[hhaw]

Remember, the police are goingto want someting a bit recent to act on. IF your stbx put her hands on you in anger, tossed the tv button to you, shut a door on yu....INCLUDE IT.

Include everything and make sure they know how urgent this matter is. 

Your PD raging at you in front of the kids, at the kids, blaming the kids is all abusive treatment, but make sure the police understand the recent things the stbx has done.

Do not minimize ANYTHING. 

Maximize everything and provide your evidence as you go.

You can do this.  It's going to be OK.

[escapingman]

Having thought about it I probably have to skip the police report, it hasn't been any severe incidents lately and they probably will question why I waited 3 months since reporting it to deciding to go for it.

I am still so tired, I don't know what to do. I can really feel I am breaking point and are close to a mental breakdown. I have had to block her on all messengers and phone, I can't cope with her calling and calling. I need someone to look after me and push me through this,  I am not sure I can do it myself without a collapse. If I go back I risk losing it completely,  but staying away I risk being accused for abandoning the kids.

I just don't know what to do. I am just at a losing end here.

[guitarman]

You are not alone.

You need to put your own needs first. That is what I've learned.

It sounds like you need some person to person support. Please find a mental health professional who specialises in trauma.

You could see your doctor.

You can go to the Psychology Today website. Enter your city and you'll be able to find someone.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/

You could also contact your nearest carers centre. They should have a mental health carers support worker. They may have a mental health carers support group as well that you could join.

Abuse messes with your body and mind until you are not able to function properly. It's all because of trauma and stress.

I mentally shut down because I couldn't take any more abuse and stress. It was my mind's way of taking care of me.

CPTSD Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can occur because of long term abuse. We can't take any more trauma and so our body and mind react to save us and look after us.

I used to say that I felt like I was living in a war zone waiting for the next bomb to drop. I was living with hyper vigilance and anticipatory dread all the time.

I didn't realise what was happening to me. I thought I should be able to cope but I couldn't. I sought help. I'm so glad that I did now.

Please be aware that your wife maybe trying to provoke you into anger to get the evidence she needs to prove to herself that you are an abuser. You are not.

It's the narcissistic cycle of abuse where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim.

The way to counter it is by remaining calm no matter what happens. I know it's not easy to do when all your buttons are being pushed.

When we get angry adrenaline is realised in our body. This can trigger responses such as fight, flight, faint, freeze or fawn. I've experienced all of those.

Observe don't absorb.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[feralcat]

EM, if I read correctly, you're in the UK.

A GP HAS to see you if you tell them it's an emergency. Today, even if they say you have to wait till the end of surgery. Don't let reception fob you off. Tell them you're in an acute state and need to talk to someone asap.They might want some detail and you could then maybe say that it's situational. That's it's  not only you, but your wife (and children) need input. They can bring in the Mental Health services if need be. They are a gateway service.

Also, Domestic Violence helplines aren't only there for women. In the UK , coercion is now a DV crime. And this IS coercion. Emotional damage, manipulation, gas lighting and relentless pressurising . And getting other people to act as flying monkeys to further the abusers aims ( sorry if you don't like that term, but you are being abused. Abuse isn't just physical violence. Or coercion wouldn't be a crime

You need to involve others . It's sounds like you're on the brink.
Please don't go under.

[feralcat]

Additionally. I was only thinking this morning that I've personally never told my GP that I have a trauma background. It's that thing about doctors being for physical ailments / Social Workers and counsellors for mental issues - possibly ? Shame ? Stiff upper lip and all that.
Which is mad, because as the book rightly says 'The body keeps the score', and trauma has ongoing physical effects. It's all interrelated.

To not include them (as I haven't , to date  ) means theres always going to be a missing piece in the jigsaw. For them as well. It could help join the dots in your medical history for a start.

They're meant to be more holistic now, and there is  an acknowledged mental health crisis happening  atm. So really it's good for them if we 'let them in' more. Proactively . Pre-emptively.
And didn't you say you'd already approached them - once ? So you've already made the first, hardest, move. No doubt they'll have been wondering how you're getting on.

Tbh,they should be relieved  - because otherwise there'll always be a danger that we don't turn up at their door until we're in crisis ( as you are now ?).

[escapingman]

Thanks for your wonderful support. I am still away, going to meet a friend and hopefully cheers myself up a bit. It's nit a close friend so will probably not share much. Not as excited as I should be, we are doing a hobby I normally love. The real struggle will start from tomorrow when I am supposed to be back home.

[SonofThunder]

Hello EM,

Distance is a wonderful and effective boundary.  Keeping my distance, and using it to my advantage is a wise use of that boundary.  When physically distant, the only way PD's get through my boundaries is by what means I allow. 

Phones, texts and emails are all ways in which I can allow PD's to penetrate my boundaries and PD's are cunning predators in their knowledge of how to infiltrate my head-space.  When I purposefully do not respond to these attempts, it provides me strength.  I am under no obligation to respond and have full right to mute/block for my own benefit.  The PD's in my life are both adults, and i must let them adult themselves.  I will adult and protect myself. 

It seems to me, you have used this travel situation to create physical distance and you have the self-power and financial ability to remain distant.  Congratulations on creating that opportunity!  🙌🏻

I will keep you in thought and prayer and wishes for you to continue to use this physical distance as an effective boundary for yourself, and then hopefully allow your adult wife to adult herself. 

Again, as an adult, my phone, email, text and other boundary penetrators are fully under my control to allow through the boundary or block from penetration.  Any drama mayhem my PD's create for themselves, by not being able to penetrate my boundaries, is simply more proof of their disorder.  That further proof, simply provided room to flourish by my self protection and distance, may have actually been to my (and my children's) advantage in an future legal setting, such as you are heading. 

Imo, the underlying PD trait of fear of abandonment, will only show its (proof) head when i stop caretaking my PD's by not letting my PD's adult themselves and by me not protecting and re-energizing myself with proper boundaries. 

Enjoy the time with a friend today and enjoy the boundary of distance. 😊

SoT

[Hilltop]

Hey EM, with your STBX constantly calling you, talking to you, making promises about big changes, asking to talk, it would be so confusing for you.  Even though you see the prior abuse, there are so many layers hidden away, co-dependency, trauma bonds and they play a part.  You acknowledge that you still feel responsible for your STBX and I can only imagine that makes it really hard to think clearly.  It would be taking a huge emotional toll on your body just trying to keep yourself going.  When you are under stress for a long time such as how you are now, your body simply doesn't function that well.  Exhaustion sets in, things appear to get harder.  Its great that you are away at the moment and seeing friends, simply creating that distance has hopefully given you a little bit of a recharge.

It seems that your STBX hasn't accepted reality yet.  I do worry that having such close contact with you she will be able to bait you until you explode and then she will use that to accuse you of abuse.  It seems that living together is not working for you.  With all the energy going to having contact with her it seems little energy is left over for you to stop and think clearly about what you need to do, or even for some time for self care.  Even while you have been away she has been constantly calling you not giving you time to think or destress.

You have filed for divorce.  Would it help to get more clarity with your lawyer around the time of everything.  Make an appointment and find out the implications for you moving out ie around custody and selling the house.  Are you now just waiting for a period of time to lapse before the divorce is finalised, when will that be, what date will that be, know that date so you have an end date in sight.  Are you waiting for her lawyer to get in contact?  Can your lawyer contact hers to speed things along? Can you move out?  If you move out is she willing to do a custody agreement between you?  What do you need to know about joint property?  I'm sure this would seem overwhelming which is why an appointment to get the proper information may help settle any fears you have, information may help with being more clear about any decisions you need to make.

With more information you will be able to make decisions easier.  With proper legal advice you can move forward with the right information.  Knowing where you stand legally you may then be able to start planning where you want to live, how you want your future life to look.  See it as one step at a time. 

If you are struggling would it help to speak to a counsellor.  Someone to support you through this process, it really isn't easy.  Your life is going through a massive upheaval, it may be good to have someone to talk to about all the changes that are happening.

It sounds like an emotional rollercoaster.  You really are doing great.  You have given yourself distance when you needed it, reached out to friends for support.  You are putting boundaries in place.  You are getting there, just keeping going one step at a time.

[JustKeepTrying]

escapingman,

I can not imagine the worry, stress, and fear you are experiencing with the thought of going home.

I know you filed and have talked with the lawyer but you really need to consider talking to them again so you can understand the ramifications of moving out and custody.  If you know the law and the advice from your lawyer, it will help with knowing your choices and following your plan.

It sounds like staying isn't an option.  And distance is what will bring you peace.  Do you what you must to give yourself peace, and support your DDs. 

Remember her way of thinking is not normal and not understandable.  Try not to waste time on understanding or reasoning or anything. This time is about you and healing and finding peace.

Pulling for you!