The lovebomb

[hhaw]

EM:

I'm sorry you feel you can't bring charges now that the 3 months have passed.  For me, my attorney said it was Christmas so I couldn't bring charges.... also there was no recent event of violence, even though the "courtesy report" i'd filed included a choking event..... I was told by my attorney I couldn't ask for an Order of Protection and that was rough.  I'm not gonna lie.  Just a very terrible moment to realize I COULD have brought charges and protected myself that first contact with the police,but failed myself.

The thing is..... pretty much all victims do the same thing.  It's common and now you see how it happens and understand why.

I hope you remember this and press for everything possible to hold your stbc accountable going forward, bc hesitating is donating your power, ability to protect yourself and your children..... it's handing your stbx plausible deniability and a really powrful ability to manufactre confusion in your divorce proceedings.

I hope you don't go home.

I hope you make an appointment with local domestic violence services and show them your evidence.... ask them for advice and take it.

I hope you sit down with your attorney and tell them what your children are enduring daily and ask what can be done to prevent it. 

Your wife has been directed by the Judge to stop including the children in the adult conflict....... she's supposed to stop talking about it to the children. 

I hope you speak to your children's teachers and counselors and principle and let them know what your children are dealig with so there can be some support in place at the school for the girls.

Most of all...... I wonder where you are witih the therapists..... it's been months of waiting and I forget what dates you have set to gain access to an actual T. 

I've never called a mental health hotline, but I know they can be very helpful.  I have phone the FBI and asked for help.... they said I had to report to the local police in order to document properly in the divorce. 

I have to say....once I failed to file those initial charges.... the police became less than enthusiastic to help or follow through or even write a report for me, so I suggest you go back to the police, explain whats' going on, verbally regret failing to file the first report and ask a police officer for advice going forward so you aren't doing what most other victims do....... ask the police officr, hopefully a kind one who wants you to get your children to safety, how to proeed with the most force an affect.

I honestly don't know how to get the train back on track, bc my train kept screaming downhill and never corrected.  As I said, I documdented that decesent into hell very well...... I was shocked at the evidence I'd collected, and surprised to see it all laid out, bc my experiene was that I'd failed to ask for help, failed to document, but the truth was I'd TOLD EVERYONE and asked for help a lot while being igored bc by that time my PD had undermined me and convinced me to undermine myself.

You still have a chance to save yourself and your children months maybe years of extra suffering and poor outcome for your trouble IF you take this first lesson, internalize it, forgive yourself for doing what everyone else does and begin making very pointed decisions based on holding your stbx accountable for everything EVERYTHING she does abusive, innapropriate and otherwise damning to show the court what's truly going on.

So many posters are supporting you here.  Find some 3d support and get on your side of this.  Get on your childrens' side.  Stop enabling and protecting the sbtx, bc she's never going stop pressuring you to........ ever.

You have to make that choice every day and separating yourself from her in every way will help you do that.

So many posters have given good advice.... you can make a good plan and ask your friends to help you stick to it.  I promise, I've seen one poster on this board DO JUST THAT with his abusive wife.  It can be done. 

WHAT DID YOUR ATTORNEY SAY ABOUT THE STBX TALKING TO THE CHILDREN and blaming them for the divorce?  Can you get an emergency hearing to StOP that?

[IsleOfSong]

A very basic question to consider, since you are worried that you'll be accused of "abandoning" the kids if you don't go back home: If you rent a place with at least one extra bedroom for the kids to use, wouldn't that demonstrate that you are including them in your plans for the future? Voila, the abandonment claim would look like utter BS.

I think if your actions demonstrate time and time again that you are taking the best interests of the children into account, you'll be fine. Maybe confirm this with your solicitor.

[square]

Wow, I'm so impressed you found the strength and clarity to block her contact attempts!

I really think thst is the right way to go.

Her contacts have no chance of being mutually beneficial. None. She is simply robbing you. It's a full on mugging. Robbing you of peace, calm, clarity, centeredness, so much more. There is NO need to submit to that. NONE.

It seems to me that you can't go home.

That's okay. It's really okay.

[hhaw]

Well said, square.

It IS a full on mugging. 

EM, when court dates begin popping up, how will childcare be handled?  Do your children have an after school care program they can roll into without stress?

You and your wife will likely be unavailable for pick up after school, bc you never know how court will go or how long it will last. I always seemed to be the last on the docket, not sure why, but I could drop the kids off at school but not get to them afterwards most of the time.  Think about that.  Do they children have friends they can go home with?  Do you have a neighbor who can keep them till someone gets home?

I also struggle with setting up child care then having court canceled over and over and over and that was MY attorney doing the cancelling without telling me he'd cancelled it. My stbx would call and gloat about it before my attorney told me, it was demoralizing and I wasn't prepared to set up childcare, I just didn't understand what was going to happen. 

Also, look at yuor childrens' schedules and make sure they won't be at school without a mom or dad or someone on days when the activity includes a parent.  You don't want your children there, the only ones without a parent or stand in.... you don't.  Be proactive.  You can do that IF your stbx isn't INSIDE your head all the time, robbing you of your focus and energy.

At some point you'll need 3d support....... begin thining that through before you're desperate and behind the 8 ball.

My stbx used to say he'd drive me crazy with a blowtorch, have me screaming and running from the courthouse like my hair was on fire, glad to just get out of the court system and it was really close to the truth, now that I look back.  He was simply stating a truth and he believed he could DO that.  Heck, he sort of DID DO THAT, but I had children and was forced to get it together, think ahead better and get on the best I could.

You have lost of truth and wisdom to draw from on the board.  I hope you can focus on it and block out the PD's crazy making choas manufacture.

A Judge will appreciate you've thought about your children's care during court and all around..... trying to protect kids from the adult struggle is something the courts talk about a lot, but don't focus on enough.

Maybe your Judge will.  Maybe you pulled a really good judge. Ask your attorney what your Judge is like, how they typially rule in cases like yours and what your options are for protecting the kids from the stbx's constant uncontrollable vomiting of divorce chatter onto the kids.

[Joga]

EM,

I'm not yet even to the point that you are (I haven't left yet) so I don't have advice, but I fully agree with what IsleOfSong and hhaw are saying about showing that you are looking after the children—having a space for them wherever you end up living, making sure childcare arrangements are in place for them. I know it's all so overwhelming but keep your focus on them. You've got this! Don't go home! It's too easy to get sucked back in.

[Hilltop]

I was also thinking of it along the lines of what IsleofMan was saying, getting a place with an extra bedroom for the kids so it shows that you are involved.  If anything is said, keep calm and simply say that you weren't comfortable with arguing in front of the children and wanted stability for them.  However I am not sure of the legals in divorce so that's why I suggest getting that info from a professional to make sure it won't impact anything down the track. 

I agree with square as well that blocking her was a really good move.  At least you won't get sucked into her drama.  Would it help to have an email account for her to contact you anything regarding the children or divorce proceedings.  The great thing with this is, it's all in writing so anything abusive can be used later and you can read it when you are feeling up to it.  You can text her and let her know that the email is the only way she can contact you in future.  The kids are old enough to call you in emergencies and let her know if there is an emergency to send a quick email titled emergency and you will respond.  This may help to give you more distance from her constant questions and love bombing.

I am not sure how you are feeling about going back home, it's a big decision however do what you feel you need to do, whether that is going home or moving out.

I think if you move forward with good intentions and kindness, even though that is incredibly hard, keep your focus on your kids then it will work out for you.  This may feel like a rough patch but remember, it's short lived.  You will get through this and move on.  Just keep your focus on that day and how it will feel, how peaceful it will be.

I hope you enjoyed your day out with your friend.  I hope you enjoyed the activity and had some fun despite everything else that's happening.  We are here supporting you every step of the way.

[square]

I wouldn't provide instructions for emergency contact. That will just be exploited.

The kids can contact you and absolutely nothing needs to be said about it whatsoever.

[hhaw]

STBX is using the children's phones to call EM.

He n eds to talk to his attorney about all contact going between the attorneys and/or as texts only regarding the children.

Document all the calls and your polite requests stbx please stop blowing your phone up with demands to talk.

STBX can't control herself at all, over the phone, in front of the kids .... she's out of control and it's harming the children.

[escapingman]

Thanks for all you excellent advice and support.

STBX has got my email, she can easy send me an email at any time. She decided she needed to talk to me, any normal person would have respected that the other person wasn't available on the phone and instead sent a message if it was important, not call 10 times more. She wanted to talk about a subject regarding some big changes for her, that she think she would do for me, hence she need me to tell her what to do so she later can blame either decision the makes on me. I am not falling for that again. After I blocked her, GC contacted me asking me questions and told me "mum is worried about you" - which is absolute rubbish - she meant "I am losing control and I need you to contact your dad and tell him to call me now".

My lawyer is still waiting for a reply from hers to tell us what they plan to do regarding the petition. At the moment I dont know if she will dispute it and drag it through the courts, or if she is willing to accept it and agree to it outside of court. She was also served the papers formally a few days ago and is supposed to reply to the court some time next week. I would like to stay away from any discussions with her until at least she has been forced to show her hand on what she is going to do.

I am still feeling a bit of guilt staying away blocking her, this goes against everything I believe in. But when she doesn't respect my boundaries, what can I do? I miss my girls, if I go home it will be for them. I will need to go home at some point anyway, at least to pick up some stuff, my car and see the kids. I need to think about this. But I will probably have to talk to my lawyer about what all rules are. I think I will be OK with moving out, but not sure about all ins and outs.

I had a good night yesterday, I was still depressed but managed to enjoy it a bit. Today I feel a bit better, but with the silence from STBX for 2 days I am waiting for something from her that will shake my grounds, I just don't know what it will be. Could be that she has changed the locks at the house (that would be illegal) or thrown my clothes out the house, or anything, absolutely anything, that makes me a bit scared.

[escapingman]

Regarding Therapy, I was told it was about 2 months queue - that was 2 months ago. Hopefully I get contacted very soon.

I am feeling much stronger after a few days of absolutely no contact. I am starting to get it, what I have been craving is a closure. That will never happen, I will always be either the love of her life or the one she hates. I never get closure when she is on either of those states. I am going to try to wait for her response to my solicitor before I make any big decisions.  I need to get back home, at least for seeing the girls and collect my car (if it's still there).

Thanks for all amazing support!

[hhaw]

EM

Closure will come from inside YOU.  A good T will help you understand and accept your wife is broken, can't do better and you'll change your expectations...... it's almost always my refusal to accept a hard truth creating anxiety and upset for me.  Almost always and I've learned to check that.  You will too.

I'm concerned about you worrying about seeing the girls or getting your things.  Those things WILL happen,but they aren't your priority, I think.

Priority IS..... keeping distance in place, documenting your wife's dragging the children into the adult struggle and avoiding all the things your wife is working double time to bring about...... I that's enough for now.

I'm glad you're feeling better, I am, but that's when we most often walk into the buzz saw of PD reactivity and chaos manufacture.....bc we believe we can handle it. We fear we'll be seen a certain way IF we don't do A,B or C that harms us and our integrity.

Just hold what you have...... continue documenting the stbx's egregious dragging of minor children into the adult conflict and maybe visit your girls at school for lunch?  One day GF and the next day SG.  Your stbx can't go nuts in public and likely would never, so..... it's a great place to see the girls, IME.  I used to have lunch with my kids, often I'd bring something they loved and treats for all their mates,but the important thing is to connect with your children, reassure them all will be well, you love them no matter what, always and forever, evryone is going to be OK, including their mum.

Make sure your back and forth texts or e mails with the PD always always always states what she's doing, what you're asking her to do..... stop dragging kids into the divorce bc it's doing great harm to them..... be very polite then stop communicating.  Reassure stbx the attorneys will be handling the details of the divorce and she doesn't have to discuss them with you directly as you don't feel that will be productive.... you're seeking to have as peaceful a parting as possible for the children's sake and stbx should participate in that goal.

The car, your stuff..... seeing the kids at home...... those aren't things likely to bring ANYTHING positive into your divorce situation. At all.  If y stbx can't control herself, yout might end up having to be escorted into the property with a police officer to get your things while the girls are at school.  That way your stbx remains calm OR she suffers consequences for her actions.  I think you have all your really important things OUT of the house now, so please don't worry about your things. 

You KNOW your stbx. Document everything and hold her accountable for it.

[escapingman]

I understand hhaw. I do, but it's so difficult to be away from the kids. I can't even bring myself to message them as STBX will either be monitoring their phones or have asked them to tell her as soon as I message them. SG already told me in the past that STBX is looking at her phone when I am away. I feel sick.

But if I stay away,  the kids risk missing their hobbies and friends as I find it likely STBX will just not let them go and refuse giving them a lift.

I really am at the end of this. I hate having to be worried for even contacting my own children.

[hhaw]

Ok, EM.

What CAN you do to ensure kids get to their friends and events?

Judges care very much about divorcing parents keeping the children's live on track, activities in place, friendships normal.

How can you turn this into an opportunity to educate?

You might craft an email to stbx about cooperating to get the girls where they'd normally be, who will handle that and how.

You can get your car, pick the girls up at school or outside the home while avoiding face to face time with stbx.

IF stbx forces herself into your space you can document it AND your calm response and restatement of your boundary to stop involving the children in the adult conflict.

THIS will all go into your evidence file to show the Judge what's going on.

STBX using the children's phones and the children to harass you can be documented.

You aren't helpless.  Figure out what you can DO and do it.

If stbx doesn't help the kids keep their activities on track or actually causes them to miss them.....you have that documented and you always follow through when you're transporting the girls.

Now's a good time to speak with the children's friend's parents and facilitate drop offs and events.  You can also tell them a short version if the divorce, but know your stbx will be unraveling and it's your job to document.....sorry, but it's one thing you can do to help everyone and I think you understand why.

Text the girls about their schedules.  Offer to get them to their events and politely ask stbx to cooperate and help you do that for the girls.

Make what you can if this while limiting the harm and expanding on exposing your stbx's disordered and abusive behaviors, EM.

Your attorney will better understand if you SHOW her what you and the girls are up against.  So will the courts.

I hope you have neighbors to witness pick ups and drop offs at the house.  Maybe ask a neighbor for some support.  It's ok to ask for help, EM.

[escapingman]

I have actually set up a group for liftsharing with a couple of parents, STBX does not like it..... I can probably ask one of them to pick up, I don't think STBX would stop it. BUT, she would try to convince the kids to not go and therefore cancel. STBX really, and I mean really hate this group of parents helping each other. Noone is allowed to have any network, especially not for activities not liked by her.

I am going to think about next steps, and talk to attorney.

[hhaw]

Yes,talk to your attorney, but utilize this group of parents to your and your childrens' best advantage.

If the stbx talks the kids out of attending their activities, send gentle updates to the stbx expressing your disssapointment and distress at her inability to support the children's activities and schedules.  State all the facts involved, the people involved, the info the stbx needs to correct her "mistakes" and do better.

That way you have witnesses to your efforts and to the stbx's refusal to support the girls' schedules and normal lives.

I would send text around softball games and practices to the PDs....

I'd send links to the schedules AND write it out. The PDs would say they didn't have it after missing something important or not planning ahead, so I'd resend the links and write evrything out again with kindness and willingness to help them do better,which sort of ticked them off, truthfully.  They'd be snarky and blow off their turn to drive the girls, take the girls attend games....they only attended ONE and it was dreadful for them,bc everyone there knew ME and they were my friends. 

You should cultivate fellowship and support and (witnesses who can support and advocate for you, if needed) as normal a routine as you can swing for your girls.  It's really important and you're right to be concerned.  I'm so glad you're thinking about it and doing what you can.

When you step up, do the right thing over and over.....'
when the stbx drops the ball and coks things up over and over.....
when you've documented your concerns and the stbx's reactions to your concerns.....
when you're ONLY communicating with the PD about the children, NEVER about the divorce past the attorneys working on it and discussing it so you and the stbx can avoid conflict, particularly in front of the girls......
when you never lose your cool and document that....
you'll be maximizing your ability to protect the girls and get them the help and healing they need.

I promise you..... you can DO this without allowing the stbx to yank you off course and derrail your goals here.

Just stay the course and make sure to e mail your attorney simple direct questions and information you want to follow up.

Follow up the meetings with e mails laying out what WAS discussed and decided so you have that paper trail and can refer back IF you need to and the attorney can correct any misunderstandings if you have them.

Breathe and stay in close contact with that group of parents. PLAN things your girls will enjoy, do what you can to facilitate then release outcome.

Expectation will tear you apart.

Acceptance is your friend...... do what you can then put the story on th shelf...easier said than done,but imperative for better mental health and you need to be feel stable.  You children need you to be stable, EM.

It's going to be OK.

It will.

[escapingman]

Thanks hhaw. It's funny any activity or anything arranged my STBX is always religiously sorted by her taking them. But anything else us always a problem and needs to be sabotaged. 

[hhaw]

Well any sabotage at this point is an opportunity for you to document it and your calm, consistent parenting and desire to protect and keep your childrens' lives as normal as possible.

The fact you're no longer in contact with the stbx over the divorce, or ANYTHING outside the realm of the childrens' care, speaks to the fact you're doing all you can to IMPROVE the childrens' "normal" routines and experiences around the PD's rages, manipulations, finger pointing them and you and everything she does in between.

The PD is in a tough spot.  You're in a better and better spot the more support and advocacy you find for yourself.

Things are heading up hill for you.

Downhill for stbx.

Remember to stay your course.

Remember why you're choosing no contact with stbx.  Document it mindfully.  Do what you can for the girls and know they'll be safer and in therapy very soon.

You're making headway, EM.

Don't lose sight of that.

[escapingman]

Hhaw, my worry is that the kids are back at home with her. I have no idea what she is saying or doing. I am worried....

[hhaw]

You said GC texted you with concerns about stbx.

You contact the girls to show you're comminucation lines to them are open.

You keep lining up Therapy for them.

Update your attorney your concerns, in real time, as you worry and figure out the childrens' schedules and sustaining any normalcy for them.  You can talk to the girls at school, as I said.... check in at lunch. Bring something they like to eat.  Maybe have lunch with one at a time. 

Just document your attempts...... you can't KNOW what's going on,but you can guess.

You can't control their experience when they're with the PD. You can document your buns off anyway you can. 

Putting together a schedule to handle certain pick ups and drop offs reguarly, while asking the stbx what she's able to handle or not handle, lays a paper trail and details.

[square]

I see that you hesitate to text/call the girls, knowing the contact will be overseen by stbx and trigger some type of reaction.

I get that fear. I really do.

From where I sit 1,500 miles away, I think you should take a deep breath and contact them.

You are their father. Do NOT let stbx drive a wedge. This is her GOAL.

YOU ARE THEIR FATHER.

So WHAT if she sees your text saying "hi honey, how was school today?" SO WHAT.

You will imagine what she will DO because she blows everything up. Of course you feel that way. But SO WHAT.

Whatever she does is EVIDENCE.

Do not relinquinsh your fatherhood out of fear. Text them.

If she, say, starts texting you from their phones, text calmly ONE TIME that you are texting DD and not her, and you will respond to DD only. Then ignore all texts from her and cheerfully add the exchange to your evidence file.

EM, you are in a position of power.