Hi there

[AlterEg0]

Hi everyone,

I just jumped over here from the OOTS forum, because the majority of my CPTSD issues stem from a whole lot of narcissistic abuse that i'm only just starting to untangle.


A little back story:

I'm a female in my 30's. Throughout my childhood, some hard things happened. An immigration and a re-migration, sexual abuse by a neighbour, a lot of bullying by peers.
In my late teens/early 20's, I was in an unhealthy codependant realtionship (possible narc?) and I got married. I divorced about 1,5 years later. Around that time, I also started struggling with my mental health more than ever before. I became depressed, developed an eating disorder, self harmed, and was suicidal. I spent about 10 years in the whole mental health world. In and out of therapy, psych wards, on all kinds of meds, etc. The term CPTSD was never coined, I didn't figure that out until later. In the mean time, I did manage to finish my studies, get a job, and all that other stuff you're supposed to do.

A few years ago, I finally got the right kind of help. I fully recovered and was doing really well. I also retrained, so that I could make a career switch. In 2019, I took the dive and quit my job to start my own business, together with my father. Shortly after, I discovered that my father isn't who I thought he was. A whole lot of sh*t went down, and a lifetime of lies and abuse came to light. My father is a communal narcissist. I broke contact with my father, losing my business, my dreams, future plans and not to mention my income in the process. I did manage to find a little part-time job to stay afloat, and I started to rebuild my business. Just when I started to feel like things were getting better, and I had time to process and heal, the pandemic came along.

Currently, i'm in survival mode. I feel like i'm back at square one, although I rationally know that i'm not. I just have a lot of new information now, and a lot to process. Granted, some old wound have re-opened and some things were uncovered that I didn't even know were there. I think that's a good thing, although I don't feel "happy" about it, haha. I'm coping better than I would have a few years ago. I'm doing the best I can, and i'm surviving without harming myself, I know there's a lot of work to do, a lot of healing to be done, etc. I know that's a good thing, yet at the same time I find myself feeling really hopeless and frustrated a lot of the time. And mostly, very very alone.
So that's about it in a nutshell.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I can relate to a lot of what you posted about. I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I have gone no contact with her for two years. I define her as my abuser and I am her target of abuse.

I am living with depression and CPTSD after decades of abuse.

Some things that have helped me have included attending mental health carers groups and regularly practising Mindfulness guided meditations. I have learnt to talk more about my feelings.

I also regularly watch videos on YouTube by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have learnt a lot from her.

Abuse thrives in the darkness. We all need to shine a light on it wherever it occurs.

You've had a lot of trauma to cope with for a long time. It takes it's toll on both your mind and body.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.