Staying or leaving

[as]

Hi ,
This is my first post here . I am a 50  year old man and have been married to my wife for 18 years  . 10 years back she was diagnosed as BPD with MDP . Our relationship can be described as tumultuous with physical fights ( stopped 15 years back ) and verbal abuse from both sides. Sometimes drunken sometimes sober .

She had recurrent miscarriages and even though I was apprehensive considering our fights , we ended up adopting  a baby girl who is now 6 and half , whom both us love and adore and live for .

A few years back I bumped into an old girlfriend and what started as a casual lunch developed into a full blown emotional affair . About 8 months back , My wife found some messages from this girl and all hell broke loose . She moved out with my daughter and refused to bring her back home till I moved out of the house . I have moved into an apartment just above the apartment my wife and child live , just to be close to my daughter who is very attached to me .
In the last 8 months my wife has been on a continuous rant and abuse ( mainly on text ) , constantly blaming me and refusing to meet with a moderator to settle issues . In spite of this , I still feel bad/sad  for my wife and am unable to make any clear strong permanent decisions . I am also worried for my daughter although till today I have not seen my wife abuse/harm her in any way except insult / berate me in front of her .
I have been meeting therapists to help me overcome my issues but am still unable to arrive at any concrete solution . Of late from what I can understand from my wife's body language and hints is that she wants me back but says it in the guise of our daughter needing both parents in the same house.
I am continuing my relationship with my girlfriend  and she has stood by me through all this although I have told her that if it comes down to protecting and being there for my daughter , I will have to go back,.

Desperately need some advice on how to take this forward .

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You sure are in a difficult situation. Firstly I would suggest that you gather as much information as possible to make sure you understand fully what you are dealing with. You could start with the Personality disorders tab and read through the different traits. You might find some that you have observed in your wife and some that you have not. The Toolbox tab is a great resource for strategies that you can implement that will help you protect yourself and your daughter better.
You should also get support for yourself, be it in the form of counselling, self-help groups like CoDA or therapy to work on your own issues - the ones that attracted you to a person with PD and let you stay in an unhealthy relationship for a long time.
There is a book that was extremely enlightening and helpful for me "Stop caretaking the borderline/narcissist" by Fjelstad, and there are many other good and helpful books out there. You will also find a lot of information and help on Youtube.
Keep reading and posting here - this is such an informative and supportive place, it helped me so much to know that I am not the only one in this situation. See you around on the boards!

[GentleSoul]

Welcome, sorry to read of the difficult situation you are in.

I very much agree with NotRightinthe Head, that educating yourself will be an enormous help.  Both regarding your wife and also your own background. 

I can see that I recreated my childhood by marrying a man with the same traits as my parents. 

You are not alone in this.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. Our family has experienced decades of abuse and emotional trauma.

It seems to me that you are confused about what you really want to do. That can't be good for your new partner.

I replace "should", "need", "must", "could" with "want". I ask myself what do I really want to do? It helps me to clarify my motivation behind my thinking.

Your wife seems to be using your relationship with your daughter to manipulate you into her way of thinking.

You need to make firm boundaries and calmly stick to them.

You need to work more on building your self esteem. You matter.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. Her channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better.

Abuse is never acceptable.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.