Hi. Dealing with CPTSD and codependency

[moonstars1432]

Hi. I'm a female in my early 20s. I was diagnosed with CPTSD 2 years back. I was sexually abused by a biological parent when I was 6 or 7 years old. I was sexually abused when I was 12 by a stranger and entered into a relationship at age 13 which was toxic and damaging. I had no clue what I was doing at age 13 by getting involved with a guy 4 years older to me. I was named and shamed by classmates and my family shamed me too. They could not believe the shame I had brought to the family. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family all my life. I was close to both my parents for a long time and throughout my teens. My CPTSD symptoms started around age 15. My other parent supports the abuser parent and not me. They both would come with me to the doctors I had been to from age 16 to 20 and I was misdiagnosed so many times. I dissociated for a long time and at every doctors appointment I would never feel clear and present to talk about what I was feeling. I was in a freeze mode. I didnt know at the time that what my body did was protecting me by going into survival mode which lasted for years. I felt lost and looked for emotional support all the time from these parents who gave me toxic support in return. I lost my identity and felt like a baby who needed them all the time. There was always chaos and emotional abuse by both of them. I was enmeshed into their toxic ways and would fight and yell. Sometimes I would start fights with them sometimes I would get into it. They would and still do verbally abuse each other and verbally abuse me. I have too verbally abused both of them many times. when I would scream or yell they would term me as a mental person. Chaos is there even today.  The abuser parent would always say 'I am working and earning just for you so that you become independent' 'If I die there will be no one to provide food and shelter for you', 'you are alive because of me', 'why do you treat me like this when I'm only earning for you'? Years later when I asked why they had done it to me. They called me ridiculous for accusing them of such a crime. That I as a daughter have no shame in saying such bad things about my parent. That parent dismissed it. The abuser parent said it never happened. As for the other parent, that parent does not care about my abuse. They both support each other. Today that parent is the only one who earns money which is why we (me and my other parent) get to eat food and have a roof. I am financially dependent on that parent and that sucks. They always made me feel something is wrong with me and they as parents did their best and have given everything to me. They would also say to me that they think theres black magic done on me and would perform rituals on me to make it go away so I could become 'normal again' I just want to get the hell out of here and never ever look back on these people one who is a sexual abuser and has a sick mind is a complete narcissist and my other parent who never developed emotionally and supports the abuser. I want to take estrangement from these people.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group-

some family systems have years upon years of abuse to recover from.  from what i am reading in your post you want to be free from the structures and abuse in the home  to be no-contact with either parent but are not sure where to start.   i have been NC with my mother and her family pretty much since  i was 22.  i have lived over half my life without the noise and chaos that untreated mental illness of others,  it has not been easy but even my worse day alone was better than some of the 'best' memories i have as a member of the family unit.

in order to be free, being financially independent is KEY.  any financial help they provide is a hook back to pulling you into the abuse again.  what are some skills or things you like that could help you earn your own $?