He’s “trying to change”. Help!

Joga · February 07, 2022, 09:34:27 PM

Y'all, I'm struggling right now. My H is saying and doing all the right things. He's not lovebombing me, but rather giving me space (mostly). He's cordial and even friendly. He's helping around the house. He made a counseling appointment. He's reading books on controlling his anger. He's parenting very gently. He now says he will remain my husband until I decide otherwise, but will accept my decision. He has apologized for hurting me.

My gut still tells me that I need to leave; it will never be right between us. It took A LOT of talking and tears before he really heard me and took some responsibility. My goodness the man is sensitive. It's funny that he tells me I'm too sensitive but when I try to return his "jokes," he gets very triggered/upset and can't even hear my explanation.

My heart or trauma bond or whatever is telling me that maybe he can change. Maybe I'm wrong about him being a PD. He has PTSD and and also probably undiagnosed ADHD and/or autism.

But even if he truly can change, I don't know how to get over the years of abuse.

hhaw · February 07, 2022, 09:54:12 PM

IF he's changed, he'll give you a peaceful divorce, honor you and earn your trust back no matter how long it takes.

He'll give you a fair divorce settlement, full custody and continue being a good dad and calm man.... even if you aren't doing what he wants you to do.

You can quickly test your theory...... HAS he changed?

Just ask him to give you a peaceful divorce and set up a good parenting plan so you and he can parent together while divorced for the sake of the children and see how he deals with it.

I wouldn't count on his all the sudden being a completely new man.

I'd keep planning my divorce strategy.

Good luck

JustKeepTrying · February 07, 2022, 11:27:21 PM

I'm with hhaw on this.

Look back on your posts and read them through. I wonder if he did this before and you didn't see the pattern.

Regardless, you will and are still walking on eggshells and waiting for the change to revert.

You are worth more.

IsleOfSong · February 08, 2022, 12:12:01 PM

Not to hijack the thread, but I will certainly +1 what Joga is experiencing. My uNPD wife has started seeing a therapist in the past few weeks, and the change has been quite noticeable. She's backing off instead of itching to argue, she's parenting much more gently (and less controllingly, if that's even a word) when it comes to our 14-year-old son... it's quite confusing for us non-Ns. So Joga, I totally get it.

I think the best plan, as others have said here, is to keep our notes of past terrible behavior nearby for reference, and to know that the other shoe will eventually drop. And the bigger thing is this: We probably shouldn't hang our stay-or-leave choice on their behavior. If we're done with the rollercoaster ride, we're done. Joga, you are probably like I am and often envision a peaceful life free of drama and chaos, your spouse's included. The fact that your heart is telling you that you should still leave is a good thing, IMO. Listen to it, and I will do the same with mine, because that's what I'm hearing as well.

Joga · February 09, 2022, 09:51:04 PM

JustKeepTrying, I did what you suggested and went back and reread all my old posts. Honestly, uPDh actually does treat me better than he used to. I see the improvement. I've become more cold and distant. But that has been in response to the horrible way that he has treated my oldest son. I can't feel close to someone who abuses our child.

H is now (as of about a month ago) being great with the kids, but you're right—the cycle will surely repeat if I'm right and he's a narc at his core. There's so many weird behaviors and things that he's taken massive offense to over the years that would have been no big deal to an emotionally healthy person.

Joga · February 09, 2022, 09:56:06 PM

IsleOfSong, you are not hijacking the thread! We are going through a very similar situation! And you are so right—we can't make our decision based on their behavior. Thanks for that reminder.

I'm scared of being a single mom. We have covid right now (thankfully not too bad) and he's helping me with taking care of kids and getting up with them in the night. I don't know how I will do it when it's just me and I have to work full time. I know I will manage somehow but it's a scary thought.

Joga · February 09, 2022, 10:00:25 PM

Hhaw, I know you are right. I know change can't come suddenly. We were talking last week and I said I felt pressured to get back to normal and the only way it could work is through a long process with lots of therapy. I don't even feel comfortable kissing him let alone going back to full intimacy (which is his #1 focus/need). He said we would just drift apart if we followed my plan.

hhaw · February 09, 2022, 11:40:15 PM

So much for him doing what it takes to heal the relationship and earn your trust.

I guess he's not willing to meet your needs or give you any space, acceptance or patience after all.

The change he made was all talk and I usually found there was fierce anger and blowback from a PD forced to make nice, apologize and pretend they'll be better human beings.

GentleSoul · February 10, 2022, 01:00:21 AM

The PD that was in my life used to cycle through this as well. The big "I am going to change" act.

As others have said, is all words. I think sometimes he believed it all as he said it as he hated himself and his behaviour. Other times I think he did it as pure manipulation.

He never did though.

escapingman · February 10, 2022, 08:03:18 AM

All words. My uBPD/NPDw keep telling me how she will change, but she never once acknowledged or apologised for the abuse. Her changes are completely irrelevant to what I would have required from her, as other said - it's very difficult to kiss or hug someone that can stand and swear at the kids one minute and then say she will change some other things the next.

hhaw · February 10, 2022, 08:22:03 AM

The PDs are broken and can't sustain change.

We're upset when our expectations are unrealistic, ime.

Once we accept the truth, there's less struggle on our part, ime.

Radical acceptance is our friend.

IsleOfSong · February 12, 2022, 03:22:20 PM

Quote from: Joga on February 09, 2022, 09:56:06 PMI'm scared of being a single mom. We have covid right now (thankfully not too bad) and he's helping me with taking care of kids and getting up with them in the night. I don't know how I will do it when it's just me and I have to work full time. I know I will manage somehow but it's a scary thought.

That fear of the unknown also keeps us in place, for sure. The devil you know, all that stuff... but what you said at the end is probably the best indicator of your future: "I know I will manage somehow." When we make our decisions by putting our kids' best interests first, we really can't go wrong. Keep posting.

GentleSoul · February 13, 2022, 02:15:03 AM

Quote from: hhaw on February 10, 2022, 08:22:03 AM
The PDs are broken and can't sustain change.

We're upset when our expectations are unrealistic, ime.

Once we accept the truth, there's less struggle on our part, ime.

Radical acceptance is our friend.

Thank you so much for this. I needed to hear it.

I read it on the day you posted it and it has been in my mind since then.

It has released tears in me because it is the absolute, pure truth.

SonofThunder · February 13, 2022, 08:14:41 AM

Quote from: Joga on February 09, 2022, 10:00:25 PM
Hhaw, I know you are right. I know change can't come suddenly. We were talking last week and I said I felt pressured to get back to normal and the only way it could work is through a long process with lots of therapy. I don't even feel comfortable kissing him let alone going back to full intimacy (which is his #1 focus/need). He said we would just drift apart if we followed my plan.

Joga, im sorry you are experiencing the difficult lovebombing.

I fully agree with the replies from the others.

You wrote "... I felt pressured to get back to normal" and then his comment "... we would just drift apart if we followed my plan."

I have experienced, in a short past separation, my uPDw do a 180 degree attitude reversal to lovebomb me back in the cycle. I also experienced her in that rushed attitude to get back to 'normal', as she could not stand the thought of losing control and being 'abandoned'. Since i initiated the purposeful separation to gain some space for a period, with full intent to return, but also witness for myself the underlying but foundational PD trait of 'fear of abandonment', i was able to witness it in full. Could you also be witnessing his PD first-reactions to 'fear of abandonment' which is lovebombing to get you fully engaged back in the cycle?

A rush to return to 'normal' and the 'drift apart' comments you experienced were very similar to my own experiences. Again, i fully believe you are witnessing the IDD cycle, and his ability to fully control his actions/reactions to 'idealization' (lovebomb) you back into the IDD cycle. My wife did these as well, and I knew devaluation would quickly return. It did very quickly.

My witnessing (in these extreme conditions) her be able to fully-control, also solidifies for me that the deep hurt she attempts on me is also under her full control, and i will never-ever forget that fact that she is fully aware, in predation.

Im sorry you are experiencing this as well and will keep you in thought and prayer as you make difficult decisions to protect yourself.

SoT

westfog · February 25, 2022, 01:43:40 PM

thank you so much for sharing- just relating to your post gives me a sense of purpose and feeling i'm closer to knowing the 'truth'

IsleOfSong · March 15, 2022, 07:39:33 PM

Hi Joga, I've been wondering what the latest is with your situation. Is he still changing for the better, or has the mask fallen off?

Joga · October 30, 2022, 09:05:42 PM

IsleofSong, I just logged back in for the first time in many months. Thank you for checking on me. I am still with my uPDh. Predictably, things were fine for a while, until they weren't.

I started back to work after being a SAHM for several years, and it's been great for me. The power balance has been shifting because I realize I have options to support my children. I've been standing up to him more and he hates it. The other night he got nasty with my oldest son in front of my mom. She had never seen this before. She told my husband to stop, and then I reversed my son's harsh punishment.

H says he wants nothing to do with my mom ever again because she gave him "attitude" about his parenting, and he has barely spoken to me for two days, and worst of all, he has neither looked at nor spoken to two of our kids for two days. He's been in his room most of the time. At least it's quiet and peaceful in our house!

He says since I "took away his parenting" he will no longer parent them. I am to do everything. But I'm sure that when the time comes, he will want 50/50 custody. I'm documenting all this in a journal, but I don't know if it will matter.

I'm a little embarrassed to be back here still married, but now that I am gainfully employed, at least I know I can make it on my own.

mogwaidelegate · October 30, 2022, 10:08:00 PM

Joga,

I am going through something very similar and it's so frustrating. When my soon-to-be-ex realized I was serious about leaving, he decided to become Father (and husband) of the Year. This man who has barely been present in the raising of our kids, made every excuse to take off with friends or to the bar, only dropped in to pick on me about what an inadequate mother/wife I was and how I was doing it all wrong (it being every move I made), let his MIL be our childcare while I worked and he sat on his ass, I could go on... all of a sudden this man has transformed into gentle, patient fun loving SAHD that cannot spend a minute away from his darling kids. Like, has freaked out on me for trying to get any space by me staying at my moms with them screaming that I'm taking his kids away. I know he hasn't really changed, just because he apparently learned overnight how to care for our kids and wash a dish doesn't negate all the years of abuse. Like you said it's uncomfortable to live with that past, and the mask keeps slipping on mine. He will boil over and scream at me about how the reason I'm pursuing divorce is that I'm actually a bad mother that can't handle my kids full time so I want to be away from them (as in a 50-50 custody arrangement) and I can let them know it's my fault for ruining their lives by splitting up our intact family.

He decided, without my input at all, that I gave him an ultimatum to shape up or leave and he shaped up, so I have to stay! He even has written me letters saying if he doesn't fulfill these duties of being a good husband and father he will cease to be my husband. He demands "more time," keeps changing parameters around how long exactly I'm supposed to give him time to prove himself. The point is, I never gave him an ultimatum, I'm just leaving! I no longer even believe in ultimatums after this ordeal. If I had, like what, I had to threaten divorce to make you listen to me or take me seriously? I had to threaten divorce to get you to treat me with any decency? So you knew what you were doing was wrong, you just didn't care until you were facing consequences. He's just trying to regain control.

Anyway, absolutely zero judgement on my part. It is so, so hard to cross that mental bridge of its not a matter of *if* I leave, it's *when* I leave. I think rejoining the workforce is a great move, wishing you the strength, resources and confidence you need to proceed.
Like you, facing life as a single mom is nightmarish... but so is staring down the barrel of a lifetime with this fake FOTY

Boat Babe · October 31, 2022, 02:22:03 AM

Can I just say that life as a single parent isn't nightmarish. It's hard work because you have to do everything and most single parents have money issues but it's infinitely preferable to parenting with a PD in the house. Also, it's better for the kids. Much, much better. Sending hugs, courage and determination.

IsleOfSong · October 31, 2022, 01:35:36 PM

Thanks for reporting back, Joga. I know the feeling of sheepishness you referred to in coming back to the forum after thinking you were so close to leaving — I've been there many times, online and in real life with good friends and family, and I've felt like I've let them down by not making my exit from my marriage. Ultimately, it's your path to walk, and no one else can do it. You'll be ready to make the move when you're ready. It's a process.

Keep posting... and keep working!