sisters

[losingmyself]

I need some advice.
I am the youngest of a large family, mostly women. As expected, they don't all get along.
I however have never had any problem with anyone, most likely being shielded, as I'm significantly younger than most of them.
One sister has been treated poorly by my 3 oldest sisters. I didn't see it, and I am ashamed to admit that when I spoke to her about it, I gave her the usual responses that you'd get from someone who is completely in the dark about such a thing. I should have supported her more, and I will apologize.
However, they have never been anything but kind and supportive of me, one sister came and sat with me through all of my chemo appointments. I love them all very much, and I don't know how to move ahead.
Truthfully, I have avoided all of them, because I don't know how to treat them anymore. I know I can't confront them about their treatment of her, because I know the responses I'll get, and possible blow back to my other sister.
Do I just treat them as I have in the past? Do I have to 'choose sides?' Am I betraying my sister by not choosing? I know exactly how she feels. The worst thing is not being believed.  I'm torn.

[Hilltop]

Hi losingmyself.  Sorry there seems to be a bit of drama surrounding your sisters, I can imagine that would make it hard when visiting each of them and not knowing how to deal with their hurt.

I don't think you have to choose sides, I can't see how you would be betraying anyone by having a relationship with all of your sisters.  Your relationship with your sisters is separate to anyone else's relationship.  It sounds like they have been caring and supportive toward you as you say one helped you through your chemo.  Your experience may not be the same as your younger sisters experience but that's ok, they are different relationships.  If you have kind and warm relationships with all of your sisters then I would focus on that.  If these relationships work for you, that's great and it's a positive in your life.

I understand your sister may be hurt and you can listen and support her without saying anything critical about your other sisters.  Perhaps telling your younger sister that you don't have the same experiences as her but that you are not discounting what she is saying, let her know that you believe her, that her experiences are hers and you are sorry she is hurting or having these troubles.  You can support her without getting into a conversation of blaming anyone else.  I am sure you will find the right words to say as you come across as very thoughtful and kind.  I guess I am trying to convey that you can be supportive but not get involved in any mud slinging or blaming by any of your sisters.

I hope you can find balance.

[losingmyself]

Thanks Hilltop.
I was just thinking about this, and I have a bad habit of assuming what other people are feeling. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I worry more than I should.
I will follow your advice, my older sisters have been kind to me, and I love them all very much.
I can also support my SG sister, and let her know that I believe her.
However, I will from now on, be on guard for any behaviors from my oldest, as I am Out of the FOG, and this includes EVERYONE.  Not a bad thing, as long as I am not paranoid, and lose relationships due to this.
Thanks for your good advice

[Blueberry Pancakes]

You mention the worst thing is not being believed. I agree. From the perspective a SG myself, I just wanted to comment that if you wanted to support your sister, I think just saying those words to her would mean a lot. I do not believe you have to choose sides at all. Just feeling heard and understood is huge.

[losingmyself]

I was re-reading this thread, and I had a memory of my three oldest sisters sharing their disappointment at my SG sister for not coming to a birthday get together we had for one of them, and how it was hurtful, since they came from 1000 miles away, and she lives in town.  (Of course, they wouldn't say anything to HER)
She shared with me that she tried because she knew it was the right thing to do, but couldn't put herself in that situation. I feel bad for her.
Now, knowing more clearly what I do, I would have to bite my tongue to not say "Well, maybe if you wouldn't treat her like shit, she'd stop by"
I know those are just fighting words, so I will continue the biting of the tongue...
And go visit her separately when I'm in town.