I miss him so much (depression after break up)

[mllelystigre]

Back story: I dated a young man (who I met online) with NPD for three short months. The chemistry was unlike anything I've ever encountered, and the abuse was discrete. I'm 31 and I thought I'd finally met The One. He took me on a vacation to the other side of the country and (long story short), we got into a misunderstanding that ended up in my fleeing the situation for the sake of my safety (he se*ually assaulted me after I "triggered" him). 

So, here I am fifty days later. He said I hurt him and has been stalking me. We've spoken a few times since I broke up with him (should have done it much sooner) but have been no contact for almost three weeks now. I had to get a new phone and new phone number so there would be no temptation on my part to pick up the phone from any more strange numbers...he knows I've blocked three of his personal numbers, so he calls me from hotels or friends' phones sporadically. You'd think my blocking him on every social media account and having the police tell him to cease and desist would get the point across. I can't file a PFA because I broke no contact a month ago. I know that was not the right thing to do, but the withdrawal symptoms that I have been experiencing since the relationship ended and the intensity of the emotions that I had without anyone to express them to just boiled over and I had a weak moment. Never again.

I'm on here because I don't want to burden my family/friends with my drama anymore and the domestic abuse hotlines have not been helpful. My therapists don't seem to understand the extent of the emotional pain that I have been in, nor can they validate how difficult it was to leave such an emotionally abusive, and eventually physically unsafe situation when all I have been doing now is spending my days MISSING HIM and it makes no sense.

What I wouldn't give to be with him again. Not the man who abused me (who he actually is), but who I thought he was before it crossed the line. I'm so glad that it ended when it did but the shock of it all and the abrupt ending are not making this easy. He professed to "falling so hard" for me, and justifies his insidious behavior to the intensity of his emotions for me and upset that his "love" for me made him feel so powerless, more of less. Now I know that this wasn't real love, and that he can never fulfill me nor could I ever fill the void in his life. But it felt so real to me and it is still a loss that I am grieving.

I'm hoping that in sharing here, I may be able to gain some strength to help me move forward. I haven't been sleeping and my psychiatrist can't meet with me in over a month. I had to take a leave of absence from my nursing program after failing a course, in part because he demanded so much of my time. I can't blame anyone but myself though. I've learned my lesson. I just can't believe how hard this is. How long will the withdrawal symptoms last? Why do some days I feel okay and then others I just fall apart at CVS (where I just went to pick up my panic attack meds) because I see condoms and that reminds me of him because he hates them?

Help. I feel like a shell of my former self since being with someone like this for only three months. When will the healing actually begin? I've spent hundreds of dollars on therapy, acupuncture, etc. and am now going to try hypnosis. I already journal every day.

[hhaw]

I'm so sorry you're suffering, mll:

My therapist would say that kind of pain is rooted in deep sadness and early trauma you need to work through to discover why seeking that kind of love is happening to you.  If we love ourselves and meet our own needs for care and safety we're not so vulnerable to this kind of unhealthy connection, and I understand this kind of connection. I do.

My advice would be to find a Trauma Informed Therapist (preferably with Buddhist leanings) to help you find the root of whatever unconscious beliefs are at work here so you can process them and put them behind you.

There are templates over our nervous systems replaying old trauma in the present...which is why this relationship means so much in such a short time.... it's old stuff in the present.  The oldest part of our brain doesn't see time as it is.... everything is always now.....and old stuff imprints on our present.

I hope that makes sense.

Another reason to find a Trauma Informed T with Buddhist leanings is bc they're doing their own work and are more likely to meet you where you are without judgment.  I find judgment from Ts to be detrimental to the work.

There are all types of Ts specializing in various things.  EMDR would be something you want a T to practice, IME, but trauma informed should be something they specialize in.

About stalking statistics.... it takes an average of 6 weeks ZERO contact for a stalker to move to someone else.

You see how you've sabotaged your ability to have the no contact kept in place by contacting the PD.

Forgive yourself and stop all contact..... everythig. If he shows up in public, pretend you don't see him.  If he's at your car, pretend you don't see him.  Don't write him a note or leave a message or send a text....NOTHING......nothing.

If it helps to think of the man you loved as dead...... have a little ceremony and bury him. He's gone and he's never coming back.  The man who sexually assaulted you is a predator and he's broken, unable to do better and he won't EVER be the person you thought he was.

You were fooled, but you can't be fooled by him again. Work with a good T will build you strong and wise and make you the person who protects yourself going forward.  You can learn healthy boundaries, how to enforce them and avoid disordered people in the future.

What you said about your T says you need to start interviewing new Ts, IME.  You might have to see many to find that ONE special T who can hear and help you without getting their ego involved.

In the meantime, be very kind to yourself.  Drop judgment. Get curious about your feelings and gently be aware of them as they come up. They all belong and have something to tell you.  They'll lead to the good stuff...what's underneath and feeling better...being safer.....to identifying the old templates of dysregulated emotions written over your present days.....and you can shift that.  You can learn to calm your Nervous System and have more choice.... you can be OK, even when things aren't OK...you can still BE OK inside yourself. 

Breathe and interview new Ts if it feels right to you.  I've had terrible T's, harmful T's and Ts who've been fairly unhelpful but neutral so I know there are Ts who CAN be helpful,bc I found one.  Take big breaths..... like filling a vase, fill your lungs bottom to top and focus on your breathing.  Journal.  Keep sharing on this forum.

The fact you're reaching out for help and striving to feel better is hopeful, IMO.  Becoming mindful of your inner world is HUGE and helpful on that jouney.  Find a good teacher and T who knows how to guide you on that healing journey.

If anything I write doens't make sense, feel free to discard it: ) 

[Joga]

hhaw thank you for a your post. It's so full of good information.

Mllelystigre, this sounds so simple and almost corny, but one thing that helps me is just to get outside and go for a walk. I don't know if you live somewhere urban or rural, but if you are able to go somewhere with trees and birds, even better. Listen to the birds chirp. Breathe. Walk. Feel your heart beat. Breathe.

I find that even when I'm feeling horrible about my ongoing breakup, a few minutes of peace on a walk shows me that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and joy is possible.