How to stay kind and clear when all Iwant to do is scream?

[Sneezy]

I am so angry right now.  Angry at my covert NPD mother for lying and manipulating and just being an all-around terrible person.  I can't even type the last mean thing she said (about my cousin) because it was so gross and awful.  It actually made me question if she has a personality disorder or if she might be a complete psychopath, it was that bad.  I am also angry at my enabling-FIL for never making any future plans, even when it was clear to everyone that uHMIL had severe dementia and was going downhill fast.  I am angry that everything fell on DH and no matter what he does, his father and the rest of the family act like he is the bad guy (DH is and always has been the family scapegoat and I am so angry about that).  I am angry at Dramatic Auntie because she insists on swooping into town next week to stir up even more drama, right about the time FIL is scheduled to move into senior living.  I am even angry at uHMIL, who has dementia and is delusional because we found the safest, nicest facility we could, but she is still angry and lashing out at us (of course she is, she has dementia).

I took an hour for yoga this morning and it helped, for one hour.  I took a walk after lunch and it helped, for a little while.  But the anger keeps crashing back on to me and I can't seem to stop it.  My stomach hurts and I'm not sleeping at night.  I have put myself on a texting diet, so I don't send off any texts in anger.  I am trying to avoid phone calls with my mother because they just make me angrier.  I am hiding in my office so that I limit my interactions with FIL.  But this just unsustainable.  I need my life back and I need peace and I don't know how to get there.

[Andeza]

First, get FIL out of your house. He is in your space, your domain, and is taking up processing power and peace. You've already got a plan for that, so just hang in there for now.

Next, yoga is nice, but it's more maintenance than emergency response. Might I recommend beating the tar out the punching bag at the gym next time? Something more physical, something that really lets you burn off the cortisol you've got careening through your system.

Next, start planning a vacation scheduled for some point soon after dramatic auntie leaves and FIL is settled. Get time off work if you need to, and plan on doing something for you. Stay at home if you want to chill, or go someplace peaceful if you can.

As for keeping your cool, every time you feel you're blood pressure start to creep up and the steam starts boiling out your ears, step out of the room, outside the house if you need to, and just breathe. And if you are about to blow your top... It's not UNkind to ask somebody to leave. You can do this. The end is in sight and you are strong. At this point, I'd remove myself from any and all group texts, etc.

[SunnyMeadow]

Dear Sneezy,

You've been under a tremendous amount of stress since your in-laws came to live with you. Add in a covert NPD mother who isn't getting as much of your attention and ... yikes!! No wonder you're feeling like this. Sounds normal to me and I know I'd feel the same. This is a huge amount of change in your life and with your mother acting out, I say, let her linger in the background. No good is going to come from interacting with her right now. She's safe in a care facility, food, shelter and companionship. Keep phone calls as short as possible and keep reminding her that you are working to get FIL out and have many appointments! Every time she calls, I'd say I have to run out the door for an appointment. 

I sure hope Dramatic Auntie is staying with someone else and not you and dh!! She doesn't need to be anywhere near your house. She can visit FIL at senior living!

I know this is hard, I'm living a different version of it as you know. I've lost 4lbs in one week. Stress is so bad for us. As Andeza wrote, as soon as you can make time for you and destress the best way you can.

You wrote on my topic, don't kill yourself for the A , aim for a B-. I've been keeping that in mind. So yesterday in the car I was all worked up and I started talking to myself.  But it was a good talking to myself.    I kept repeating, I can only do what I can do. It's going to work out better than what I can see right now. I'm doing a better job than my parents ever did in planning for their elder care. I like that you're doing yoga and walking, so important!

[SunnyMeadow]

At this point, I'd remove myself from any and all group texts, etc. 

Yes, this 100%.

[Sneezy]

Thank you both, SunnyMeadow and Andeza!  I have to remember that there is an end in sight.  I keep looking at the calendar and telling myself that in two weeks everything is likely to be settled.  FIL should be moved into his apartment by then and Dramatic Auntie's visit will be over.  And no, she is not staying with us, so I can limit my time with her if I'd like. 

My mom appears to be giving me the silent treatment.  We haven't talked in 5 days, which is pretty much a record!  I recently called her out on a lie and she got very defensive and that's probably why she isn't calling.  I have a nagging worry in the back of my mind that when we finally do talk, she will be awful.  But for right now, I am enjoying the quiet.

In the meantime, I am going to the gym today.  But I am not going to try the punching bag.  I'd probably hurt myself    Will definitely do something more intense, though, to work off some of the stress. 

[Cat of the Canals]

I have a nagging worry in the back of my mind that when we finally do talk, she will be awful. 

And if she is, promise you will hang up immediately. The last thing you need at this point is a guilt trip or more nastiness from her.

It sounds like getting out of the house is helpful, so I'd do as much of that as possible in the next few weeks. Take a walk. Make a coffee run. Go to the mall and window shop.

[Starboard Song]

I am so angry right now. My stomach hurts and I'm not sleeping at night.  I have put myself on a texting diet, so I don't send off any texts in anger.  I am trying to avoid phone calls with my mother because they just make me angrier.  I am hiding in my office so that I limit my interactions with FIL. 

First things first: anger is real, and yours sounds justified. It is OK to feel anger. It is not a weakness.

But I consider anger a secondary emotion: a symptom of something else. It is because we are hurt, hungry or sad that we get angry. We can be angry over and injustice because of our empathy for others. I believe that if we can reduce the hurt inflicted on us by others we can reduce the anger we feel. When a toddler lashes out and calls an adult a name, when an infant throws a tantrum, adults don't usually get angry. I had to stifle my laugh at my own DS's first infant tantrum, it was so damn cute. And importantly, as an adult, we don't feel properly judged by a toddler so they have no power over us.

But what you are experiencing is very different. These people are the ones whom you are supposed to be able to love and be loved by forever. Their mistreatment hurts and it hurts hard. I get it. They hurt they inflict, if they are PD, may be exacerbated by years of this neglect and malevolence. The books in the top line of my signature all about joy, peace, and self-care. They are the books my wife found most valuable in her own journey. I commend them to you, along with the yoga.

The other component, I find, is that our interactions with such people tend to knock us off our own paths. We want to yell. We want to deliver the perfect scathing insult. I admit right up front, that I failed. We are 6 years NC because I wasn't able to negotiate a sustainable peace. But I believe there is a huge value to you -- not necessarily to them -- in enforcing your boundaries with kindness.

There was a great example a couple years back that I think of often. A member here had a mom who always was negative. When you'd visit she'd go on and on about some person at the church who she couldn't stand. Our friend here struggled with not being able to get her mom to STOP IT. It was wearing her out. I first pointed out that she had a right to establish this boundary: I will never listen to extended criticisms like this again, unless required to solve an active problem. But I proposed a very kind interaction to enforce this. I suggested she curtail the first attempt with: "Mom, I understand Mary is very annoying to you, but I don't want to discuss her anymore, she's so bad. I am sure there are some wonderful things going on at church. What's the best thing that happened last week." Now I am not naive. I knew her mom would resume the same talk. I proposed: "Mom, as I said, I don't want to talk about Mary. She doesn't seem to make either of us happy. How is ________ doing?" And on the third round, it gets hard. With a bright smile and cheery disposition: "Mom, I really won't discuss Mary's misadventures anymore. I can see you really want to, though, so I am going to head out (or "let you go") and come back another time when we can talk about better things." There will be a protest, trying to provoke a defense or argument. But I proposed a huge, generous smile, and positive assurance, "oh no, it's no problem at all. I'll just swing by Thursday and we can try again." And then bolt for the door.

Sorry for this filibuster. But the member came back and said it had worked. Every visit had either ended by her mom NOT talking about Mary, or she had abruptly ended the call or visit. But by smiling, by being reassuring, by being so generous, her mom had been deflected away from arguments and lashing out. And magically -- because it really is true that smiling feels good -- she ended those visits with a warmer healthier heart.

Please don't get me wrong: I don't think you owe these folks any level of engagement or service. But it is my deep belief that you'll be happiest, when your mom says something nasty on the phone that you not hang up without a word, but instead say in a Mary Poppins tone of cheer "that I am very sorry you feel that way, but I don't believe that is true and don't listen to such negative statements. I had hoped to talk about _____." And if there is one more negative word it is cut off: "I'm sorry, but I really will NOT listen to that. I want you to have a lovely day but I will let you go for now." And then you END THAT CALL at all events.

I swear, it works. It works in this regard: my approach will end communications just about as quickly as any other approach, but you'll not feel you've just been mean. And the other guy is often perplexed.

I've written too much. I wish you so much strength. And I believe the basic philosophy I am getting at, however you apply it, will add to your peace so long as they are difficult, toxic, and disordered people in our lives.

Be good. Be strong.

[daughter]

My NPDmom would misbehave every time my out-of-state in laws visited us, from moment she discovered they were scheduled to come to time they left again.  Nonstop inappropriate and frankly mean statements and rebukes, insults directed at inlaws and me, childish self-centered expectations and overtly selfish demands, et al.  These annual visits were a trial everytime, MIL reduced to tears every time, me "walking on eggshells" around both women, stressed-out by obvious tension and distress.  If you're super-super stressed-out too, well that's 100% reasonable to be so, given dynamics of situation you are unavoidably experiencing now.  Acknowledge legitimacy of your stress, avoid your mother for now, and reconsider your relationship expectations towards her for future. 

[Tribe16]

Starboard Song, your example is golden. I'm cutting that out and putting in my toolbox. Thank you.

[Sneezy]

But I consider anger a secondary emotion: a symptom of something else. It is because we are hurt, hungry or sad that we get angry.

These people are the ones whom you are supposed to be able to love and be loved by forever. Their mistreatment hurts and it hurts hard.

Starboard Song - Thank you - you hit the nail on the head.  It just hurts, plain and simple.  And when I think about it objectively, the people who are making me feel hurt right now are also hurting.  I need to remember that.  In my mom's case, she always used to be on the go, non-stop.  And now she has mobility issues and she can't drive and of course that hurts.  That doesn't mean it's my fault or that she gets to take that hurt out on me.  But I can try to sympathize and maybe even brainstorm with her on ways to get her out more (that don't include turning me into her personal taxi driver).  I will attempt the "Mary approach" and see what happens. 

As far as my in-law's situation, I need to support DH, but I also need to step back from the drama.  I was so focused on getting MIL into memory care.  I think I had an unrealistic expectation that she would settle in quickly and be content, and that everyone in the family would be pleased with the outcome.  And of course, it didn't end up like that at all.  MIL is still angry and lashing out and trying to leave.  BILs still think we just need to find the right vitamin regimen and she will back to her old self.  Dramatic Auntie is still complaining that her brother (my FIL) shouldn't have married MIL 60 years ago, because look how awful it turned out   

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and have been re-reading all your replies to give me more guidance.  I have friends who mean well and have sent me some lovely poems and thoughts on aging.  Very pretty thoughts.  But aging is often not pretty and that's just a fact that I need to deal with.

[SunnyMeadow]

But I consider anger a secondary emotion: a symptom of something else. It is because we are hurt, hungry or sad that we get angry.

These people are the ones whom you are supposed to be able to love and be loved by forever. Their mistreatment hurts and it hurts hard.

Starboard Song - Thank you - you hit the nail on the head.  It just hurts, plain and simple.  And when I think about it objectively, the people who are making me feel hurt right now are also hurting.

All good points and important for us to keep in mind. I know I'll be reading this from time to time also.

Hugs for you Sneezy and all of us.

[Spring Butterfly]

Anger and all other emotions escalate when we don't pay attention to the message at the lower level. Anger is a signal a boundary is crossed (internal or external) so if we don't address the situation our body will continue to escalate the emotion until we take the action required by the emotion. That's why boundaries are so crucial to emotional healing.

[Sneezy]

our body will continue to escalate the emotion until we take the action required by the emotion.

I've been thinking about this and the action required is for me to stop caring.  By that, I mean I have to step back.  And I have to be ok with my mom thinking I don't do enough for her (because I could cater to her every whim 24/7 and she will always think I don't do enough for her).  And I have to be ok with my BILs thinking that I helped lock their mother in a prison (because she truly is in a safe place and I have visited and know she is being cared for).

It's hard for me, and for many of us who write in these forums.  I was raised to care way too much about what others think.  My favorite sibling likes to tease me by saying that when I get mad I talk a good talk, but then I always end up folding faster than Superman on laundry day.  He is right of course.  We were raised to be caregivers who could be manipulated and guilted into just about anything.  Overcoming that is a work in progress.

[Spring Butterfly]

Yes yes yes 1000% yes. All of it came crashing in and impacted my health big time. I had to find a way to step back. It became a matter of life and death quite literally. It took me some time to untangle the enmeshment which included getting them out of my head, the inner critic, the negative rumination, the harsh judgement. All of it. You can do it.