They made me believe I wasn't capable of anything

[mary_poppins]

Yesterday, I had a huge breakthrough while journaling about my parents (I recommend journaling for a few hours to anyone out there dealing with anger and sadness from this abuse). I tried to ask myself why do I feel so incapable of doing anything that a 39-year old would do-basic adulting activities. Why does being independent of my PDs feels like a chore.

Well, that's because I was constantly told as a child how I won't be able to succeed and how hard life will be if I dared to venture out there on my own. My father would say something like: "Do you want to move to a new city/country? Do you have any idea how hard it is to be out there, alone, without your family? Do you think being there alone is going to benefit you? Do you think everyone is gonna welcome you because you're special? You need to always watch out and look down because there are so many obstacles to overcome. I know this because I lived through life, you haven't. You don't know anything about life and about how hard it is. "-I remember him almost threatening me with a harsh voice to not move to a different city because I'll suffer if I did.

Indeed, my father has been through a lot because he worked in two foreign countries where he didn't know the language and it was hard for him to adapt to the culture. BUT, he shouldn't have projected his failures and fears on his kids. If he had a hard time in life it doesn't mean others will have the exact experiences as him.

Then, I tried to remember that, in spite of how manipulative my parents were with me my entire life, I took many brave steps and either studied at prestigious universities in the country and abroad (that was hard but so awesome!) or worked abroad with people from all over the world. I've proved F wrong that life is not hard if you don't make it hard. It's all about your mindset.

I also reminded myself that I learned difficult languages, worked high-paying jobs and made friends with foreigners and this is something that it's not easy to do for many people.

Thus, the entire narrative of 'being independent of us is a terrible thing and it will make you suffer' is bullshit. I was 10 times more capable than my parents ever were. Also, not only that they were not capable of being 'independent' of each other and adapting to an adult way of living (earning more money, paying their debts, making new friends, learning new things) but they weren't even able to care for their own children (there was a lot of physical neglect in my childhood especially during illnesses).

I can't believe I told myself for the past year or so that I am incapable of living life or 'adulting'! It was all due to the trauma bond and the gaslighting I received from them. It's so sad now that I know why I gaslit my mind with self-defeating statements. My entire life, my parents managed to project their feeling of 'I am incapable, useless and bad' on me and now I see how easily I took that belief in and made it real for myself.

My brain hurts a bit due to this realisation. Gosh, it's unreal how malicious these people are.
I am sure they are even aware of what they are doing.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I think there might be something about the attempt to make us believe we cannot do anything on our own which then makes us dependent on them and they retain control. They remain the superstar. While it may accomplish their goal, it can leave a child feeling afraid of the world or thinking they are innately flawed.  Ideally, I believe a parent helps the child see their own resilience and identify with their unique strengths and that gives them a sense of being able to achieve or overcome anything. 
 
I also expressed a desire to move far away with friends in my early 20's. My parents told me similar to what you heard "How are you going to make it on your own.. you don't know anybody... what if something happens to you and nobody is around to help...I'll worry about you too much." Ya, thanks for the vote of confidence. I did stick around, but have far exceeded anything they likely thought possible in my career. I think they see my success as a threat because I showed them I have done well without their "help".

I think it is good to have awareness of such dynamics, and also not buy into it. You know it is not the truth of who you are. What they say has nothing to do with you. You may not be able to control what they do, but you do control the thoughts you allow to occupy your mind and you do get to re-direct any past narrative that no longer serves you. 

[Andeza]

Yes, this happens. The ultimate sabotage. DH and I spoke at length about his parents, especially his uPDm, before we moved out of their house after staying there over a year during the pandemic. He informed me at that time that growing up he was made to feel stupid, slow, unintelligent, etc.

He does have an undiagnosed, but extremely obvious, learning disability that was never accommodated either. And he wasn't told he had it until he was an adult. So he spent his entire grade school experience feeling like he was not as smart as other kids because he had to work twice as hard on certain subjects. I had to tutor him through college math so he could graduate, because his parents never equipped him with tools and methods to help counter the disability.

As an adult, this feeling lingered with him, unidentified for a time, but not gone.

My personal assessment of the situation was that his M wanted to manipulate him into a place where he didn't feel like he could thrive or support his own FOC without his parents being close at hand. When we informed them we were moving (we never asked permission or advice on the matter) she was constantly trying to make us question our decision. Ridiculous stuff too. Informing us that the state we were planning to move to has the most kidnappings of any state, it's expensive, it's not as pretty, it's dangerous, it's not wise, etc. She even threw in a good old "you should listen to the wisdom of your elders" line. Which was a bad move. She's not one to talk about wisdom. Not in the least. And since my own recovering enDad (divorced and vvvvvvvvvvlc with uBPDm) had expressed that the plan was a good plan, this meant that the only elder whose "wisdom" she thought was worth listening to was her own.

In the end, I truly believe that DH was her security blanket. A dutiful son meant to live with her forever and take care of her whenever his endad dies because she's convinced the man won't live to a ripe old age, and she's never had to live on her own.

So parents, PD parents at least, do do this. They try to sabotage the self-esteem and hope of their children to keep them at home, under control to varying extents, in order to satisfy their own plan for the future. The adult child's desires are of no importance whatsoever.

[Sneezy]

My uHMIL would constantly tell DH that he had moved out too soon or had "left the nest too soon" as she put it.  It really hurt his feelings, and mine, too.  I mean, we were both in our thirties at that point, and had graduate degrees and had kids of our own and she still kept saying he had struck out on his own too soon.  Of course what she was really saying is that he had become an adult and was making his own decisions without getting her approval on everything.  It was about control.  She wanted to keep being involved in and controlling every aspect of his life.  As Andeza says above, our desires, as perfectly competent adults, were of no importance.

I think what our parents with PDs don't understand is that it's ok to make mistakes and even to utterly fail at something.  They can't stand being less than perfect and so they never take any chances.  And they raise us to be afraid of life.  Which is really wrong.  Because sometimes life is difficult.  And sometimes we try things that don't work out.  Sometimes we are less than perfect and we might even fall flat on our faces.  So what?  The real shame isn't that we sometimes fail, the real shame is when we hide under the covers and don't even try.

[mary_poppins]

Sneezy-"I think what our parents with PDs don't understand is that it's ok to make mistakes and even to utterly fail at something.  They can't stand being less than perfect and so they never take any chances.  And they raise us to be afraid of life.  Which is really wrong. "-This is spot on.
I believe the reason why they don't allow their children to grow and move on from them is that they project their perfectionism/fear of failure on them. If their kids move out and fail at something, this means they've made them feel ashamed and smudged the good old family image.

In their heads, they believe their kids are them so, how can they allow them to live life? Living life means change, failures, mistakes, sometimes pain.
They can't tolerate these things. Plus, yeah, they did have a plan for us to make us the caretakers and moving away messes with this plan. But there are, I believe many more explanations for this. PDs are complex individuals.

[mary_poppins]

Andeza-yes, speaking badly about the new place to move to is familiar. Any kind of activities I wanted to do in the past would be berated. If I told them I am going hiking, they'd say there are psychos in the forest HA HA  if I told them I take the dog to a certain area of the town, they'd say there are stray dogs and they're gonna rip him apart. LOL. Also, they'd often talk about news-like someone jumped from the window, someone died etc. Their narrative was full of this shit. Glad you two are out of that house.

[Seven]

Yep, my uNPD mother stuffed me down.  Actually all of us daughters. Bro3 moved to CA and got a job at USC back in the 1980s. Tuition free for immediate family, so as a tween I wanted to move to CA and study at USC.
I got the "no daughter of mine...."

As a teen I got asked to sing in a garage band.  I got the "no daughter of mine...."

Wanting to get a degree in marine biology "look where that got Bro3.  You should be a secretary"

I ended up not going to college.

When I met my current DH and moved in with him, I was staying at my parents at the time.  I was 38. When I left she was all basically "I hated it when she was here, and I'll hate that she's gone." And tells DH to take care of me in a tone that screamed that I had no idea what was doing.

With my kids I'm all like "fly egg!  Be free!"  OS chooses to stay close by.  YS is in next door state. His dad (uNPDex2) tells him "you can't ever leave me.  I have no one else" (spoiler, he has a bro and sis and a live-in GF who never divorced her husband...but he has no one). And I'm all like "GTFOH. Get away from that man."

[donutmoonpanda]

I'm almost 40. Ndad described me as "Overeducated. Underemployed." It's pretty true. I have three degrees and few other "traditional accomplishments" under my belt. Career-wise I've stagnated while my peers (slowly) climb the ladder. I didn't realize until the last few months that all this is related to my PD parents and all the trauma and abuse I experienced. I am exactly as accomplished as they wanted me to be! Like their kids were going to be Nobel prize winners? My 40-something brother (the GC) has no job and lives at home still. They plugged in all the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors to keep us both scared and dependent. They didn't want me to excel past them, and they didn't want me to abandon them.

Nevertheless, I am independent. I've been on my own for a long time. I'm responsible and I learn from mistakes. I "adult" way better than my parents ever did. Sometimes I do romanticize how things could have been. I wonder who I would have been. And at middle age, it's hard not to feel like everything passed me by. The thing is a lot of accomplishments in life aren't things you can put on paper, they aren't things that will net you loads of money. They're intangible and enrich my life far more than money ever could. And considering where I've come from? I am very very accomplished. A hidden gem.

Btw I've been through two journals in the last 4 months. I spend so much time journaling about my mom, why would I ever call her?