What was the 'last straw'?

[mary_poppins]

I'm sorry that this topic was posted before but I'd want others to tell me if there was a 'last straw' moment that made them say 'That's it, I'm going NC and there's no going back'. Or was it a series of accumulated events that led to NC? Or neither of these reasons?

I'm currently trying to wrap my head around my reasoning for going NC (it will happen sometime this year) and if it's actually healthy to look at NC as being determined by one abusive event instead of thinking that my PD parents are harmful in general and it doesn't really matter the 'reasons' for cutting the ties.

Hope it makes sense.

[SunnyMeadow]

My mom has caused event after event my whole life. But what did it for me was when my mother said some particularly mean and totally untrue thing about one of my children. (she's spun herself into thinking one child is the bad one and the other is the sweet, good one --so sickening)

I blew my top and cut her off all over, email, phone, everything. It was wonderful and terrifying at the same time. I had horrible anxiety in between the calm of not hearing from her. I was groomed to "take care of your mother". This was said to me by my dad who was divorcing her and getting the hell out of dodge. I was 11.

I did go back. She called me from someone else's phone and of course I answered. She apologized in her own way. I really wish I hadn't got back with her but it was a way for me to alleviate the stress inside me. NC is hard stuff. The One Big Event made it easier for me. I think both ways are ok to make the decision to cut ties though.

[wisingup]

My last straw was a relatively small one.  It was the second time mom responded to my phone call & "Hi Mom" with a hostile "Who is this?" which was her passive-aggressive way of telling me it had been too long since I last called.  Something snapped at that point.

But the real break came when I attempted to talk it out with her.  She responded with so much denial and rug-sweeping that I came to believe there was no hope of having a relationship that worked for me.  She was not going to listen to my experience, she was just going to rage at me for being mean and ungrateful.

That being said, we are not currently NC (though I would like to be) because she is elderly & having health issues.  She has no friends & it's really just me who can help her out right now.  So I do it quickly & efficiently, doing as much as I can from far away. 

[moglow]

Mine was a long slow death by a thousand cuts - there's no THIS or THAT one last thing, just the weight of decades. Insults and snarks and mocking and hostility and a snarling tone, sneering at anything I say that doesn't paint her in a great shining light. She'd ask why this or that, what did I mean here or there then interrupt and talk over me, openly laughing at me when I admitted to being hurt by her. Just nasty and spiteful and demeaning over and over again. Then out of the clear blue the good fairy appeared in her head and she's all sunshine and bubbles, only to flip within days or even hours without warning, right back into evil. I say evil because she's laughing while deliberately trying to do harm.

But the real break came when I attempted to talk it out with her.  She responded with so much denial and rug-sweeping that I came to believe there was no hope of having a relationship that worked for me.  She was not going to listen to my experience, she was just going to rage at me for being mean and ungrateful.

Yes. This. Both yesterday and again this morning, same as previous attempts. Mine throws at me that I've obviously not cared about her or her feelings for years, while she trampled over mine. I imagine that's familiar to you as well, Wisingup.

With mine, there's no going back because there's nowhere to go. Foundations were built on shifting sands and tides of her making. And I'm building a dam so I don't get sucked into it again. Understand, there's worse than being angry. Numb and flat is much worse.

Short story - you don't have to have a last straw and you don't have to explain it to anyone, especially them. Whatever you say can and will be held against you if someone else so chooses. That's part of the deal, they get to do with it whatever they want. BUT you get to build a life of your own, without their interference!

[Blueberry Pancakes]

NC for me was a combination of both. There was a pattern of blaming and projections toward me from my FOO my whole life. I tried backing off slowly, but it got worse because then they blamed me for "not loving any of them anymore and not wanting to be part of the family." It was a slow build, but then there was one final act, one last straw. I did not see it coming, and did not plan it. I do not know if this last act from them by itself would have had such an impact on me if it had not been preceded by the pattern already in place though.
 
The last event was one more triangulation where my sister started it and my mom and dad joined in. They did not ask questions and just accepted her twisted storyline, then confronted me with her accusations and demanded I apologize to her. Their disdain was palpable. This was a repeat cycle. I think the only difference was that time I refused to apologize. I did not argue, I was calm. My parents just told me I "was ruining everything." I felt a huge physical impact from this event, like a punching bag, a garbage can. I felt run into the ground. I could not function in this family. I cannot explain it specifically, I just think if you reach that point it is something you feel in your head and in your heart.

[JustKathy]

NC for me was a completely spontaneous act. I was talking to my Nmother on the phone when she blurted out that she had managed to sabotage a job opportunity I had. I was livid and gave her a piece of my mind. It was the first time I had ever stood up for myself in a forceful manner and she didn't know how to handle it. She went completely infantile and started crying like a baby. Then she put the phone down and started calling out to my father to come and rescue her from me. The last thing I heard was her screaming, "Help me, help, she's being mean to me, help me."

I hung up. I just couldn't take one more second of her.

I never talked to her again after that. I never told her I was going NC, never wrote any letters or bothered to explain it. She knew the reasons. I believe I was 45 at the time so had decades of trauma already bottled up inside of me before that final straw moment. That phone call was the breaking point. It just happened. Boom!

[wisingup]

Mine throws at me that I've obviously not cared about her or her feelings for years, while she trampled over mine. I imagine that's familiar to you as well, Wisingup.

Totally.  In fact, I'm not sure that she truly believes other people have feelings.  She thinks the rest of us are automatons & can handle anything she throws our way.  Not a glimmer of recognition that her overreactions and hysteria stress everyone out.  When called on her insulting comments, she is "just kidding" and I am "too sensitive."  Anytime I've tried to convince her that her words & actions hurt me, she shuts down & starts to talk about how I've hurt HER.

Anyway, Mary_Poppins - I think a lot of us just reach our breaking point one day where you realize NOT being in this relationship would be so much better than being in it.  It can be a big final blow-out, or the build-up of years of smaller transgressions.  You don't need to justify it to them or anyone else.  If the relationship makes you miserable, you're allowed to step away.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Or if you're like me, you can get confirmation by trying to talk things out and say that x hurt you and unleash months of stalking and slander and finally truly dangerous  threats, making the NC absolute. 

[xredshoesx]

i caught my mother stealing from me the same summer i met my real dad and his wife, and my half sisters and found out the other part of the story.

it took about 13 months after that for me to get out.  i was 22.... i'm 50 now. 

[moglow]

On reconsideration there is something that ultimately became the last straw: the seemingly endless supply of stand by arguments and mads. You've seen it: you think something is resolved and you've found clean level ground together, but a new and improved "problem" appears. Pursue that one with logic and reason and genuine good intention but LOOK! There's another one over here, each more senseless than the last. But you try, because you want it to stop. And you sit in stunned amazement and silence when somehow, yes, another one is trotted out for review. Yeah. That. Its like that old commercial that would say "but wait, there's MORE!"

Just say no, please.

[palmtreeparadise]

My last straw with my mother was getting yelled at for not doing things her way. It was a phone call and it just caused me so much stress so we didn't talk for several months.. things are way better now.

With the in laws .. same kind of thing, getting yelled out. It was a little different with them, also not being heard, boundaries not being respected and name calling and cursing.

[mary_poppins]

Mine was a long slow death by a thousand cuts - there's no THIS or THAT one last thing, just the weight of decades. Insults and snarks and mocking and hostility and a snarling tone, sneering at anything I say that doesn't paint her in a great shining light. She'd ask why this or that, what did I mean here or there then interrupt and talk over me, openly laughing at me when I admitted to being hurt by her. Just nasty and spiteful and demeaning over and over again. Then out of the clear blue the good fairy appeared in her head and she's all sunshine and bubbles, only to flip within days or even hours without warning, right back into evil. I say evil because she's laughing while deliberately trying to do harm.

THIS! My mom is almost exactly like this. There is not one single evil thing she did but many small evil things that added up in the 39 years I know her. Your comment emphasizes the reason I wanna go NC-because of those small, evil things: snarky comments, asking me all the time the same fucked up question after I've answered her like a hundred times just to make me upset, smiling at me when she sees me struggling/in pain, pretending she's good and nice just to flip it back and go psychotic, the utmost lack of care and respect for me, the lack of interest in anything I am, do or feel, but mostly, her evil nature that lets her enjoy other people's struggles and challenges. Keeping her in my life would mean looking at this painting of horror each day and being unable to unfreeze myself and walk away. The picture looks worse than a Carravaggio painting.

[mary_poppins]

She went completely infantile and started crying like a baby. Then she put the phone down and started calling out to my father to come and rescue her from me. The last thing I heard was her screaming, "Help me, help, she's being mean to me, help me."

I hung up. I just couldn't take one more second of her.

Wow, that is beyond immature. I imagine you can't just have a simple discussion with a person who has so little emotional regulation. It's just amazing how child-like PDs are, almost hard to believe. My NM also starts crying if I do something that bothers her (LC triggers her and she hates being told she can't call me 'n' times a day).

I once locked the door to my room for the first time before going out and she had a mental breakdown. She was crying and shaking out of fear, begging me to leave my bedroom door open. It was the first and last day I locked the door and after a while, I understood that its not my room and it never was. It's her room, her house, her domain and I never had anything in that home-no family, no identity, no love, no mother (which is good because it makes NC much easier).

[Beowolf]

It took me many years to come to terms with that fact that BPDf did not have my best interest in mind. Because I am not disordered, I could never really fathom why a father would behave atrociously towards his family. I finally gained that perspective in adulthood, once I discovered what a healthy relationship looked like.

The actual final straw for me was when I got married. BPDf had never been at all interested in getting to know my previous partners (or even my friends) so I wasn't exactly expecting him to be different towards my wife. However, when I got married, his reaction was very revealing. While everyone else in my life was supportive and celebratory eg. happy for me, BPDf became hostile and distant. That was a huge reveal and obviously quite hurtful. When I truly realized that BPDf would not or could not share in my growth and happiness and be a part of the life I wanted, I realized that he was not on my side and I went LC.

[chowder]

I should have had many last straws, in retrospect.  But the one effective one was when M disparaged my husband when we were still newlyweds.  I told her she just lost a daughter.  Ironically, this is the kind of union that my parents had taught me, that the marriage comes first and nothing should ever come between.  She knew exactly what she was doing, wanted to get my goat, but it backfired.  Never spoke to her again.  Called my dad and told him what happened, and of course he did absolutely nothing.

NC gifted me much clarity.  Coming Out of the FOG, I don't know why I put up with the things I put up with...her calling my neighbors to pry into my business, even though I was 35 years old...the triangulation in the family, trying to turn people against me with her lies...one day she told me to "look up an article in the newspaper" about someone in the family.   When I responded with excitement for this person having an article in the paper about them, I asked her what section it was in.  She replied, "the obits."   And she purposely waited a few days to tell me, so now it was too late to attend the wake and funeral.

This person who passed away was one of my S's inlaws.   S got on her high horse and acted haughty and angry with me that I didn't attend.  I said, "Did you know how I found out?"  She said yes.   I said, "And you did nothing to right it?"   I was totally set up, and the two of them went to work on me.

The most cruel thing was when I was getting married.  There had been no relationship with S all my life, largely due to M's triangulation and manipulation.   M calls me one night, and even inappropriately engaged my unwitting H to get on board with her.  "Oh, you should invite your S, be the bigger person, extend the olive branch," yada, yada.  I relented and called S with the wedding invitation.  S's reply was, "Well, thank you for giving me my laugh for the day!"  Click.  I had just been set up again by mommie dearest.

I found out later that M then called one of her sisters to brag how S had "put me in my place."  This sister then told M that it was the most classless thing she had ever heard of.  Thinking back on M's "olive branch" plea, when she knew exactly the response I would get, reveals a cruel setup.  What mother sets up her own daughter for hurt?  What mother then brags about it to other people?

This is stuff I am sure I would not have seen but for the distance and being able to step back.   I received validation from M's own sister, who saw through it and who had grown up with this triangulation all her life and understood exactly what I was subjected to. 

Life works in funny ways.  In many instances, NC is crucial to our own true selves.  I wish everyone all the best on their journey here.

[donutmoonpanda]

With my dad I remember it clearly. It was the day before my wedding and he was having dinner with me and my spouse. We were talking about how sad it was that my brother wasn't coming to the wedding. My brother has a serious mental health condition, he's never met my spouse's family, and they were hoping to meet him at the wedding. My dad told us he wished my brother was dead. We told him he didn't mean that. He repeated himself over and over again, that he's so disgusted with the person his son turned out to be that he'd be happier if his son was dead. I knew instantly that still having my dad in my life was a mistake and that he shouldn't even be at this wedding.

But it still took about 8 months to bite the bullet and go NC. I was so afraid of him. I just went out and bought a new phone, got a new number, and that's all it took. He's never asked anyone for my number to contact me, he's never sent me an email or a letter.

With my mom (my pdparents are divorced), I'm considering NC now and I think the moment for me was watching her with my niece. She was so cold and disengaged with her. It reminded me of my childhood. That night my niece put a bow in my hair and my mom said "you'd never wear bows a child" and launched into this diatribe about what a problem child I was, going on and on about what a burden it was for her that I had feelings and opinions. I had no idea she still felt that way after all these years. First of all, I was a perfectly normal kid with normal needs. I was being physically and sexually abused and mom knew that but chose to do nothing about it. I was traumatized, but I was well-behaved, a model student, who never caused any trouble for anyone, even my offenders. But here we are, almost 40 years later, and she still thinks I deserved or enjoyed the abuse.

And I'm slowly coming to realize that I can't have a relationship with a person who lives in a separate reality from the rest of us.

[Tribe16]

Donutmoonpanda,
That is heartbreaking. I have no words other than you deserve better people in your life than that. Wishing you lots of love from people who appreciate your gifts and support you, not those that betrayed you. Peace.

[foggyme]

My last straw (not NC, not worth the hassle of thinking she might stalk me to my grave with messages of fire and brimstone) was having a conversation with her after years of pushing the sh*t under the rug. In this conversation I, mistakenly, tried to put her attitude towards a recent event in perspective. She thought, for the thousandth time, someone is trying through deceit to steal her home. I told her that it was the same thing she accused me once, years ago, and she tried to minimize what she said back then. She said she didn't accuse me off trying to steal her home, but rather that I was used by my dad who tried to steal her home (at that time). And then it clicked. In the last twenty years she has thought that I was bought, ordered and manipulated by my dad. Why and how would she try to be closer and friendly with me if she thinks such horrible stuff about me? Because I can't pretend there isn't an issue.

[blues_cruise]

He was rotten towards me in every interaction we had and also making very little effort to contact me/not bothering to turn up when we arranged to meet. Meanwhile, he was going around telling people lies about how he couldn't get hold of me and how worried he was.

I just reached the point of...why am I bothering? It was all just utter BS.

[p123]

When I was away at a music festival for the weekend. I'd told Dad it would be hard for me to speak.

FM brother text anyway "phone dad". I asked why? Got "just phone Dad". Same. I didn't phone him.
Then I got abusive texts from him, then my wife got abusive texts from him. Apparently we were selfish for not worrying about him when we were away.

Got home on the monday and questioned Dad. All it was he'd had a letter from his utility company that they were switching over to another plan - nothing important at all.

Dad denied he'd made a big deal out of it but I knew it was a test. He'd done similar before. He likes to test me to see if I'll put him first whatever the occasion.

I was pretty peed off about it - my one weekend away. Even more so, that brother decided to drag wife into it (dont think Dad thought he'd do that). Wife hasnt spoken to either of them since (dont blame her!)

After this, I realised how damn selfish Dad was. All he wants is a slave not a son.