Hi there!

[saltedegg]

Hello, I've just stumbled here via Reddit, where I didn't find a forum that I felt I was allowed to post in.

A bit of background: I don't know anyone who has personally been diagnosed, but I've seen PD-like symptoms in an ex-friend and extended family.

I am bothered by words and behaviours from someone that I used to date, and am maintaining a disagreeably inconsistent FWB situation with. I suspect that in his past serious relationships, one or more women had PDs, so I guess it's more secondary relationships to persons with PD for me. I don't know enough about those past relationships to help him. He's a depressed person who masks his depression well, but he's comfortable with me and has discussed suicide. He's so far refused therapy but lately has been slightly more open to considering it.

When I described him to someone who is studying psychology she leaped to labelling him a narcissist, but I don't think he is, I think he sounds lost and depressed from these failed relationships. He seems to have either researched or discussed PDs extensively before, as he used the common terms such as the ones found here on this site, long before I cared to know about them. He'd use them to describe things his behaviour, or mine - and I don't think I have a disorder? At times when I say he's wrong about me, then he'd say well he was projecting. I'd tend to agree and think many of the things I'm accused of were things other people did to him in past relationships.

He asked early on if I was a happy person and said that women he's been in relationships with tend to be troubled, and self-harm. I'm not sure exactly which ex this is, or if it's more than one of them (it was said in the plural). He spends time mulling over more than one of them, though there is a Main one that he keeps returning to in his head.

Anyhow, it's really affecting me. That's why I am here.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group,

we more about dealing with/ managing the relationship vs trying to diagnose anyone.  no medical professionals, just good folks helping one another out to navigate life with a difficult person/ people.  an interesting fact- members have stumbled here after researching PD trying to fix themselves and  then finding out it wasn't them who may have had the issue in the relationship- the projection tactic you mentioned in the post is a real thing and nons (the majority of folks posting here who do not have a PD/ uPD) as a collective group are more likely to be the one in the relationship who are willing to change or to find solutions to fix issues.

are you trying more to extricate yourself from the situation with this guy, or more trying to stay in his world and support him?  we have subforums that can help with either path.    Many folks start out in the toolbox or common behaviors to read/ post about what their person is doing as they see and read about others with similar issues in their own relationships.

other folks like me came for a relationship issue and stayed because i made the connection between who i was picking to love and how i was conditioned to pick unsuitable partners by years of abuse/ conditioning as a child, so me being here has basically altered the course of my LIFE in a very good way.

if you're still not sure, a good way to start is to think about what outcomes you want to see for this guy and what level of involvement you want to have with him. 

[saltedegg]

Thank you for responding!

Yes I had a browse through before posting and those places on the site look really informative.

Well I can't make up my mind TBH. Sorry. Wish it were clearer. I guess me being here is because I care about him a great deal and want to see him get happier, love himself, move on from that years-ago breakup, and of course be glad to be alive, stop wishing that he'd not wake up. Appreciate the people around him now, which includes me. I feel like I'm one of the few close enough to maaaaaybe influence him. Some days though, I feel like he doesn't care about me anyway, he's making up how important I am, and I should really just say goodbye. That's only hard to extricate from my own attachment to him. I don't think he'll come chasing after me, probably just lurk on social media.

[xredshoesx]

it's ok to not know.  it's also ok to get some good boundaries going to help yourself as you figure it all out.