Think I've entered a new phase in this journey

[Happypants]

**Apologies - long, meandering post**
Almost every morning at around 3am, the witching hour strikes.  I don't know if it's an age thing or a sleep cycle thing, but I wake up anywhere between 2am and 4am, sometimes for 30 mins, more often 1-3 hours.  I know it's common. I also know that around that time brain chemistry and blood sugar conspire to send you down a dark, negative, fearful path of thoughts.  I would wake up worrying about things, and if it didnt start with family woes, it would always end up there.  Having had an ill dog last year who we lost, then this year having taken on a puppy, my night time worries have been a mixture of finances, dog-related issues and family issues.  But, i recently managed to employ some discipline in not hanging on to any worries when i wake because i know i'll feel a little better about them in the morning, or at least I should.  The dog worries turned into solvable challenges, with a side of fun and accomplishment, and ultimately rewarding.  The family worries are the same at 3am terror-time as they are when i get up in the morning - never changing, predictable, hurtful, unsolvable, a dark cloud, and something i'll never be free of unless i just drop the rope altogether.

This morning I was thinking about our history - i flipped about from GC to SG and back during childhood, and my brother likewise.  His longterm GC status was established when he followed in my fathers career footsteps.  It was completely cemented when he became a parent.  From that moment on, my parents, brother and his family became the inner circle, my partner too by being male and no doubt labelled a saint by putting up with me.  Me, the non-parent, was to be forever frozen in time as the immature scapegoat for not following suit.  I'm not sure how it works.  I used to think they pressed pause on the concept of me carrying on maturing once brother was a parent, but I wonder if they think I'm the same maturity as their own pre-kids selves (ie early twenties) even now in my mid forties.

Things have calmed down over the last couple of years.  My longstanding suspicion about this is that they know they wont want to bother GC when the time comes that they need support, and given their health issues it may be sooner than later.  Step up, Happypants, it's your responsibility.  There are still comments, still attempts to keep me in my place.  But they seem to have taken my hint with regards to regularity of contact - covid restrictions have eased, but there are little to no visits; i stopped calling back straight away (even if i've clearly been on facebook); i only answer if i'm up to it; i don't text straight away.  And i dont serve myself up to be answerable to their questions or nudges regarding why i wasn't available or didn't call back.  I conceded to hints to host xmas as it was the right thing to do.  I supported them in their health issues because I care.  But they havent had quite the same hold over my headspace.  I've succeeded in LC, GR and MC without trying quite as much, although what really helped was realising that LC is subjective - a reduction in contact is a win for me.  I think i might have already dropped the rope without realising.  They don't take over my thoughts in when i wake in the night.

Some things i've noticed: I don't have constant chatter in my head; i don't suffer from earworms any more (it was never songs that i liked  ); i have more energy; i have ambitions again; i feel more acceptance and gratitude.  A strange one - For as long as i can remember, whenever i've gone for a walk out in the wilds, i would always feel complete discomfort when i saw any people walking on the path towards me.  I would feel excruciating self-consciousness, an impulse to turn around, and even feel unco-ordinated in every step as if walking and breathing we no longer automatic.  I've noticed over the past month that i notice someone walking towards, then i quickly get back into whatever i'm thinking about or listening to only to notice the person again when i'm just about to walk past.  I never understood before how people could walk around without being hypervigilent, or without that external locus of control. 

I've seen others on here mention death by a thousand papercuts, and i could always understand.  I always thought that any major change in me would be that "one small thing".  But last year there was one in particular which may not sound like much, but it sealed the deal for me. We visited my parents two days after my dog passed away from cancer, a sad and stressful five months. My father was pottering in the front garden when we arrived, walked over to the gate, said "how you doing?" in his normal way.  I said "fine", thinking there was going to be some acknowledgment of our loss either by me or him.  He cut in straight away telling me one of his colleagues had passed away (my father retired over twenty years ago).  Shut me down, stopped me in my tracks.  No, this wasn't going to be a sympathic acknowledgment of grief.  He hadnt worked with him for very long, it was at least forty years ago, i don't believe he had been in touch since, he'd never mentioned him before like he did many others.  But it successfully shut me down and blocked my attempt at looking for support from them.  My grief wasn't valid.  Before we left, my mother commented about our other dog (also a member of the inner circle, because she's their type of dog, unlike the dog we lost who struggled with some things) "now you've got a dog you can take anywhere".  My father: "ah well, time for a new chapter".  All this time later, my parents still don't know what happened on the day we lost our dog. Losing her broke my heart, and every time I think of that day, i'm reminded of how much time i wasted ruminating over this chaos instead of furthering my own life and enjoying the company of her and others that i have a genuine good bond with.  I've been so tied up with it all, so uncomfortable in social situations, so focused on what could go wrong that i rarely tried to meet new people - that's on me.  But what a waste of precious time.

I'm one of the many on here who deal with the coverts.  I've spent a long time questioning myself involuntarily putting a hold on life "til i get to the bottom of this and find out whether i'm the villain or not", because the possibility of being the villain haunted my every decision and action.  So many of you will understand all the tiny, subtle, questionable, "helpful", "caring", "joking", smothering, controlling, overbearing, guilt-tripping comments and digs that serve to dilute the cruelty of the rare blatant stabs.  You know the stabs, the ones that raise eyebrows when you relay them to someone else, but don't happen enough to warrant concern from the normal people around you.

it's taken a long time to truly accept that i'm on my own dealing with this (except for this forum of course  ).  That used to be something i struggled with and now i'm tired of trying to explore, explain, extract logic or plan rebuttals.  I'll still care, and i'll still help, but i'm going to get back to the better (more enjoyable) parts of who i was before life became about defending myself and my right to take up space.   I feel strong enough to push harder, stay aware, retain discipline where it benefits me, and ultimately drop the rope with those who don't reciprocate consideration, support or respect.  I'm ready for a change.   

[Sneezy]

I'll still care, and i'll still help, but i'm going to get back to the better (more enjoyable) parts of who i was before life became about defending myself and my right to take up space.   I feel strong enough to push harder, stay aware, retain discipline where it benefits me, and ultimately drop the rope with those who don't reciprocate consideration, support or respect.  I'm ready for a change.   

Good for you!  Your post makes me happy 

I think we value our time more as it marches on.  Save your time and energy for those you want to expend it on.  I'm trying really hard to drop several ropes and it can be difficult.  But it's worth it to really think about where we want to spend our time and where we want to detach!  It sounds like you are on a good path.

[Lilyloo]

Happypants, Thank you for this post!  Wow!  I felt like I was reading my journey over the last 20 years.  You said " until I get to the bottom of this, and find out if I'm the villain or not"   Just yesterday I found myself asking  myself "am I the bad guy"  I don't know how to stop thinking that.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dog. That is a hard thing to deal with    How sad your parents ignored the death of your dog.     I remember years ago getting a new dog.  My mom happened to stop in. I took her to the room where my sweet pup was. She looked at her and said "Oh" and that was it   Everything in my life, the struggles, the good things or whatever it was, she had it worse, or she had better.   We can all relate to that I'm sure.

I feel nobody gets it except for the kind people on this forum. What a blessing you all are

The witching hour!  How I can relate!!  Your post is very inspirational.  I'm reading it over and over.  Thank You!

[SunnyMeadow]

given their health issues it may be sooner than later.  Step up, Happypants, it's your responsibility.  There are still comments, still attempts to keep me in my place.  But they seem to have taken my hint with regards to regularity of contact

It's good you see this for what it is! In fact, the older they get, the further away you should go. I have a topic in the Elderly Parents area. Both of my parents got very sick at the same time with never a thought or preparations of having an aging care plan in place. "Oh, Sunny Meadow will take care of that or she'll probably have us live with her"! It's a mess.

I understand the witching hour as well. This started happening in my early 50s. I'd wake up around that time and be fully awake as if it was 7am.  so annoying.

I'm sorry about the loss of your dog. I'd rather spend time with my dog than my parents. Not acknowledging your loss definitely shows their true colors.

I think of that day, i'm reminded of how much time i wasted ruminating over this chaos instead of furthering my own life and enjoying the company of her and others that i have a genuine good bond with.  I've been so tied up with it all, so uncomfortable in social situations, so focused on what could go wrong that i rarely tried to meet new people - that's on me.  But what a waste of precious time.

This is what I really regret too. I even put my covert mother above my children in certain cases and I feel awful about it. She'd be sniveling in the corner about her grandchildren not running up to grandma like they were positively thrilled to see her. So I would remind my kids to make sure they ran up to grandma when she arrived.    I wish I had told grandma to grow the hell up.

I'm glad to read you're going to drop the rope with people who don't reciprocate consideration, support or respect. It's so important to put ourselves and our families of choice first. 

[Hilltop]

I'm sorry about the loss of your dog.  It's painful losing a beloved family member.  I'm sorry your parents didn't support you.

I can so relate to what you wrote especially the walking part.  I can relate to reaching a point where enough is enough.  It's time to live again because yeah, struggling to get to the bottom of it, understand it, fix it, there is no bottom, it's a bottomless pit.  It just goes on and on and on.

So I am so happy that you have let go a little and feel strong.  It's a good path you are on.  I'm glad you are ready for a change.  It's a good place to be.

[Jolie40]

 yes, sorry for the loss of your dog!


we lost our dog during pandemic & we all took it quite hard
husband buried dog in backyard & sometimes child goes to "visit" dog

my sleep is much better now since going NC
if only I could get back all the time thinking, worrying, being sad, angry, etc about PD parent/enabler

however, I do feel free to be me....FINALLY

[Happypants]

Thanks Sneezy, i really appreciate your response, especially given the really difficult position that you are in just now.  Old habits die hard, unfortunately - a couple of days after posting we were invited to a family dinner out, the timing of which didn't suit us but suited my brother in his family.  I agreed without much arm-twisting, but did let them know that it wasn't 100% convenient for us, which is an improvement.  Having the awareness at the time that I should have handled it differently ("I'll check with Mr Happypants and get back to you") and to think it through before answering would have been better.  I think an issue with being SG for so long is that I've lost the ability to judge the balance between what's the right thing to do/what's compassionate/what is petty on my part/what just FEELS petty due to conditioning but is actually boundaries/what is in line with my principles/what counts as adult autonomy etc.  I was able to acknowledge that had I given the opposite answer ("sorry, we have other plans") I would have been ruminating for at least a week afterwards, questioning whether I was enforcing boundaries or just being downright inflexible through habit of protecting my time. I know that I'm incapable of giving the answer that I'll ultimately want to give when put on the spot, so  from now on, i'm ignoring that societal expectation of not making people wait for an answer.   Awareness and staying present really IS everything in these situations x

Thanks Lindaloo - the villain role is probably the most deeply-ingrained for me personally, but recently it's been an area of rumination that I've been able to let go of more and more.  I'm introverted but do feel an instant improvement in mood when interacting with strangers, so it's time to step outside my comfort zone and widen the very small group of people I interact with, the goal being not just to outweigh the bad with the good, but to blow the bad out of the water with more positive experiences with people.  I sometimes think living with animals really highlights the spectrum extremes of disordered dynamics > simple, reciprocal relationship.  I do hope you find the path to stop questioning whether you're the bad one - in some ways I've dropped this rope with myself and it's been the biggest achievement in this journey.  We don't need to be perfect to deserve good treatment x

SunnyMeadow - I'm so sorry you're going through that with your parents.  I believe that often it's a slippery slope that begins before we realise what's happening, then very difficult to extricate yourself.  I hope you manage to find some peace while dealing with it    "I'd rather spend time with my dog than my parents." - I completely understand this! Used to be an area of tremendous guilt for me, then I took it back to the very simple question of "Why would you choose to spend time with people who make you feel unsafe, when you can be in the presence of a being you can direct all your unconditional love at without being punished for it?"  You're a good person who was trying to make your mother happy and create the dynamics that people with nons take forgranted - that's all on her, not you x

Hilltop - thank you.  I've been keeping up with your posts and always learn a lot from you, although nobody wants anyone else to be able to give the benefit of that type of experience  You're right, there's no bottom.  I know they're never going to change, and to be honest that's allowed me to carry on caring, but from a distance x

Jolie40 - I'm so sorry for the loss of your dog.  It does really help having somewhere to visit them (I've got both my girls' ashes in the centre of our home where everything happens).  The loss of time and energy during this long period of "education" is frustrating - i hope you can use that frustration and sadness to double your resolve to live for yourself and your FOC x