hoover arrived

[bee well]

I'm not sure if this qualifies as a story or a rant.

This has been on my mind and I I thought I would verbalize it here as I know many of you can relate.

Christmas and New Years came and went. No hoovering. I thought maybe I would be left in Peace this year. Too good to be true. The hoover arrived on Feb. 14, a day also connected with the tragic death of someone very important to me.

The "person" doing the hoovering knows how much pain there is attached to that day, and the loss, and yet continues to pour metaphorical salt on the wound whenever they feel like it, This is a person who has strategically used gifts and sentiment over the years as a way to manipulate. The thing is, now that I know what uN abuse is, and with them out of my life, it doesn't have the same effect that it used to.

There is the fact that I am married and this person knows that the "holiday" could have also been, at least in the traditional hallmark sense, a day of sentimental significance for us (or maybe in their mind---special days in our relationship, are not necessarily defined by their holiday status.)

This time I erased the hoover message without fully reading it, even if the beginning of it made it clear what the sender was up to. I felt powerful doing that—it was a motivational push to keep working on myself, even.

Now I am wondering if one of their weird gifts will arrive. (In the past the hoover messages would often announce a "gift" in arrival.) If one does arrive on my doorstep  it will go into the rubbish. If I get a notice I will see about refusing it.

In any case, the strangeness of the hoover message did not escape me. It was strange but not surprising.

There was a reference to the deceased and was also addressed to both DH and me. Basically, the greeting was worded in the typical uN "dogwhistle" fashion that has characterized this person's messages (and the verbal abuse/scapegoating in FOO)  for as long as I can remember. (A subtle way to infringe my boundaries, while touching what is dearest to me).

It is interesting to note that not once since the camel's back broke, through various attempts at hoovering, has any of FOO/extended family contacted me to ask if I am okay. Through all of this I have been SILENT. Not one word since I went NC. Anything could have happened in that time period. Not that I am complaining. The less I hear from them the better. I do not want to hear from any of them actually. I just want them to leave me, and my DH alone.

DH has been my rock through all of this, but was struck by this last hoover more than I was, perhaps because it reinforced all of what he and I came to know, together, about the cruelty in my uN FOO. Like a punctuation mark.

What gets me is, as empowered as I felt thinking about how much better I am in NC, after all this time there is still this person/entity trying to slither their tentacles past my boundaries, hoping (and likely convinced) I will eventually  break and give them some supply.

I am indifferent about FOO, I don't miss them,  but even if I accept what happened, I can never be "okay" with the abuse.

I have purposefully not blocked them because I don't want them to resort to other more aggressive or covert  means of communication.

When all is said and done all I can do is take care of myself and my Chosen Family in my own surroundings, which is all any of us can do.

For those of you who are going through variations of this, as is often said here on the forum, you are not alone.

[Starboard Song]

For those of you who are going through variations of this, as is often said here on the forum, you are not alone.

That's a success story, not a rant. Well done, you!

You are doing really well, though I understand it still hurts. I offer condolences on your grief remembered, and so much strength for you and your rock of a DH.

[bee well]

Thanks, Starboard Song! I really appreciate the condolences and the validation. And DH does too.  It does still hurt but I can see how much  better I am doing now. It means a lot that I was able to do that. There was a time when one of those messages would have collapsed me. Now I look at them as both evil and pathetic. Not taking anything for granted though...living in the moment, each day is different, working through "it,"

[makingachange]

I am so proud of you too!  I am sorry it still stings at times...but, look how amazing you are doing at this...any progress is amazing....=)  Keep going on with this...taking care of yourself and your chosen family.  Your health, your happiness, and your sanity matter!!  I think so many of us sometimes put our own happiness on hold...and I am proud of you for doing what is right by you!

I am only 9 months NC...but want to offer you my support...and tell you how amazing I feel you are doing! 

[moglow]

My sincerest condolences for your loss, and wishes for peace.

An old board compatriot used to say "A hoover doesn't work if you don't plug it in." That one has stuck with me, the simplicity of the statement while saying so much. It's a sign of your combined strength that it ultimately failed, and I'm glad that you have each other.

[Hilltop]

Bee Well sorry for the loss and the grief you have gone through.  You handled the message perfectly.  You didn't give it any room to grow.  I have stopped responding to anything that feels off.  We are so tuned in to these little games and so if you received the message and felt something wasn't right, then it's great that you deleted it and moved on.  Then it stays with them, they get nothing back off it.

You have found strength and are moving on.  That's success.

[bee well]

Hi All,

Thanks for the validation. I went between feeling pretty strong at first and wobbling. Now I'm back to "doing my thing"  (and hoping they leave me alone for a while.)

Still doing my two step with MIL, but that's another story.

Hilltop, I am glad you are paying attention to your  inner voice, caring for you, and making your own rules. You go!  Thanks as always for your encouragement.

Thanks Moglow. Love this: "A hoover doesn't work if you don't plug it in."  I'm going to put that in my toolbox. You've been doing a great job of handling the stuff that came your way not so long ago. Kudos to you!

makingachange, Thank you. 9 months is a long time and I hope you will give yourself credit for the work you are doing! Keep on doing you, you deserve it.

I'm so grateful for the support I have received here, and the chance to share the journey with everyone here.

I also wish for Peace.

A big hug to y'all!