Non’s Carrying the Burden

[SonofThunder]

Hello Out of the FOG Comrades,

There are sporadic days when I experience calm, and it allows me to realize how mentally hyper-alert (exhausting type of mental arousal state) I am most of time.  During those calmer days, I occasionally say to myself;   "SoT, why dont you take a break from the concentration, advanced-planning, life management and mental-practiced toolbox protection regarding my life with a PD".  During those calm days, i can almost mentally file-away the past burdens.

It occurs to me, that when I experience these thoughts, there is always some current issue that rises quickly to the surface that jolts me back into the reality of just how many burdening things in my life (current and past) are influenced by the disorder; not just another human being, but a uPD human being.  Therefore, my keeping a constant focus is not only required for myself, for a reality check and self-protection, but keeping many real things in life from simply going awry. 

When i am jolted back into the reality of just how much workload, both mentally and physically, but also related to my time spent, its a harsh-harsh reality.  Yesterday was one of those calmer days that I asked myself that question.  Today I was jolted back to reality.

I was reminded today how many behind-the-scenes required things in the life as a married couple, are proactively and 100% done by me.  If I don't do them, they will not be done or done well at all, and I personally will suffer.  I have experienced this in past attempts at sharing/shedding required life burdens. 

These burdening things also, become manipulation tools for a PD to create hurt, drama and play victim.  There are SO many areas of life that require these to-do's.  For me, the burden of these is required for my own life and since im a legal 'duo', for my uPDw also.  If i attempted to delegate these things to my uPDw, they would not only fail to get done (i cannot make anyone do anything) but i would again suffer in many ways (time, loss and finance) by them not being done or done well.  In addition, i would pay an emotional cost to trying to share the burden (PD playing victim with me as the target).  Therefore these burdens become a boundary of sorts to protect myself, but come at a energy and time cost to me. 

I am very knowledgable of my parent's lives as well and my nonPD mother is identically burdened by my uNPDf in the exact same manner.  So very off-balance in the to-do's of life as a couple.   It occurs to me just how similar it is for my PD people, to when I was a grade-school child.  Back then, I had no life-burdens to focus on, just getting my homework done and living out how much fun i could have at my parents expense or with my allowance my parents provided.  I hadn't a care in the real-world except to be at the meal-table when it was set down in front of me. 

I realize in these jolted days, just how much my uPDf and uPDw are consumed in their own endeavors and haven't a darn clue what adult real-life time/energy/financial burdens go on behind the scenes to make adult life possible year after year.  These people mentally live as adult grade-school children.  I knew that already, but im thankful for the reminding jolt 😂😩

My burden jolts today are:

1. Mortgages
2. Health Insurance Management
3. Taxes and related management/gathering

Can you relate? 

If so, share a few your many burdens that your PD person takes full-advantage of, and would be SO VERY jolted themselves if they ended up on their own to face the reality of these to-do's. 

SoT

[Poison Ivy]

I am no longer married. I sought the divorce. Among the things that I had to do for "the couple" when I was married was to make many of the financial decisions because my then-husband was and is highly avoidant of financial decision-making.

Today, workers are starting a small (but expensive) home renovation project at my house (which used to be our house). This update has been needed for many years. My ex didn't want to think about it, and I resented his avoidance but I also didn't feel comfortable making the decision to have the work done without his input. Making the decision and hiring the workers has not been easy, but now that I'm divorced, they feel like "I'm an adult and I can do this even though it's not fun" tasks, which is much different than dealing with a passively obstructive spouse.

[GentleSoul]

Hello SoT

Oh goodness, running a home with a PD spouse is like being held underwater as you try to do it.  Drowning.  Now and then you surface for air, then the PD person throws rocks at your head!! 

Late uPD H weaonpized everything I did.  None was good enough, also he used it as manipulation to get  attention/money/alcohol out of me. 

Running a home now sans a PD person is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much easier.

I was thinking exactly this in the last few days.  Here in England we have had very bad storms.   My home has roof damage and fence damage.  I am in process of having new roof done and once that is out of the way, I will get a new fence.  Probably have the whole garden done as it really could do with it.

To just quietly get on and arrange it feels incredible.  No undermining, no hinting that I am using a substandard repair person. 

I notice too when I was expecting a repair person to visit, I would become very anxious about them either not turning up or turning up late.  I now realise that was all due to uPD H harassing me about it.  The real me isn't bothered.  I calmly potter about the house until they turn up. 

Also completely financial paperwork is zero stress, I used to find it very stressful.  Again I can now see that was due to late H harassing me about it.

When he was here he never contributed to anything to do with running our home, what he actually did was make it far harder for me.

I didn't see any of this until he passed.  We are so FOG'd with it all, just can't see straight.

[Lauren17]

I won't list the burdens that I took on to balance stbx  uNPDh and running a household. The posts do have a length limit and I fear I would run out of space.

Some observations that I've made since moving and living in my own, eggshell free home.

The constant hyper vigilance is exhausting. I'm months out and I still experience days of fatigue. Once the mental strain was mostly gone, my physical self begged for rest.
I encourage you to find time to set down the armor and rest every so often.

Somehow, he led me to believe that I wasn't capable of doing the few household tasks that he did. Now, seemingly minor things are a mental and emotional event for me.  Often ending with a very simple task much to my surprise. It's been a journey.
I wish you well on yours.

[1footouttadefog]

Being two adults is tough.  Being one is hard enough.

In a normal situation two adults have children and parent then as they age the kids are up and out and you have a decade or more with fewer responsibilities before old age kicks in.  During this time one should both enjoy the fruits of labors and set some of the extra back in preparedness for old age. 

Having a childlike PD is like having a kid who does not grow up.  Forthermore they often erode the ability to prepare financially for old age. 

More immediate is that they simply don't act grown up.