Is it just me?

[Associate of Daniel]

We deal with grief, need to heal, anxiety about the future, ongoing abuse from our pds.  It's a tough journey.

Along comes a "you should" statement from someone who loves us dearly and is worried about us.

The statement comes on a day we're relatively ok. Holding it together.

It sends us back into the darkness.

So frustrating and painful.

Apparently I should find something to do (get a life outside of work) that will help me deal with losing my ds15 to the uNPDs. You know- a hobby involving other people, a partner.

Nothing can replace ds. Nothing can replace my role as his mum, no matter how busy I get with life.

The statement is hard to take since it comes from a dearly loved and loving person who only wants the best for me.

The journey is unique to me and one that only I can take.

My current coping strategy is to isolate myself a lot.  I don't have the energy for people outside of work and church.

Maybe when ds is an independent adult I can "get a life" and all this horribless will magically not have happened.  Everything will be hunky dory.

AOD

[11JB68]

So sorry you'r dealing  with this....I can't imagine anything worse than losing my do. I agree that most  peoplemean well... but what you need is empathy not direction

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks 11JB68.  I agree. But I guess it's difficult for people who have not experienced pds/abuse etc to understand.  And I'm guilty of making similar statements before it all started happening to me.  I sometimes still find myself slipping into the natural responses from time to time when trying to help others.

AOD

[Amadahy]

Some of the best advice I've gotten is to not "should" all over myself.  And, it is true!  Should is not helpful.  Sorry you experienced that.

People who love us don't want us to hurt; we can appreciate that.  However, maybe a statement of redirecting these "shoulds" is in order, if you feel so led. 

What I need now is a friend to listen.
What I need now is a walk with a friend.
What I need now is coffee with a friend.
What I need now is unconditional love.
What I need now is to not talk about it.
What I need now is loving silence.

...Or some such.  I've had a devil of a time naming needs I have, so I may be projecting, but if it would feel good to name yours, have at it!

But, I see, too, that you're worn out.  I'm not long removed from that space ... exhaustion is real and debilitating.  Can you ask said loved ones to just nurture you a bit with a drop-off meal or even a cuppa something?  For me, I sometimes do have to be solitary to cope, but just let those who love you know how (if) they can help in very tangible ways.

Love and hugs and sincere wishes for your peace 

[pianissimo]

I think it's OK to be cross with a friend for something they say, even if it was not fair to them. Also, the other day, I came across this idea that being sympathetic is not the same as being empathetic. This  helped me understand why sometimes well-meant advice or observations bother me. And, yes, we all say the wrong thing with good intentions sometimes, but then, we are all bothered by it when we are at the receiving end.

[1footouttadefog]

What came to my mind was a super snarky sarcastic mini rant like:

Oh great , right! I will run to the craft shop and buy yarn and knitting needles and it will all be good.  Hey, since that is all there is to it, how about I buy you some crafting stuff and take your kid(s) to love and cherish, and every time you start to miss him or her or them,  I will toss you a skein of yarn, or some scrap booking stickers and it will be all good right?

Sometimes they just don't understand and we have to grind and bare it.  Sign

Sorry you are dealing with this.