Slow metamorphoses here :)

[OneOneSeven]

I've been going through a journey of introspection and self improvement for the past 2 weeks. I've read 3 books and skimmed countless other, to try to figure myself out. To get answers to questions that have always plagued me such as: what is wrong with my family, why am I so bad with relationships, why can't I sleep, why am I so emotionally mature, and what's with all the anxiety?!

I've come to realize that my father is a huge cause to all my issues, but I've realized something more important. I might've misunderstood the original text, but if you read Adult children of Emotionally Immature parents you might be familiar with the concept of internalizing and externalizing. If you are not, externalizing is basically blaming the world and doing nothing, internalizing is being accountable and adapting.

It was a lightbulb moment for me. For a good amount of my life I was blaming him for almost everything out of anger. If you were to ask me a couple of years ago what was wrong with my life I'd probably give you all the wrong answer. "He's cheap" "I am stupid" "I hate my life"

Nonetheless, I realized that all my life up until a few weeks ago at the age of 22, I was participating in a completely redundant act of blaming. A closed loop that does nothing good to me. Did never solve the problem, and did never make me feel better. Him neglecting me emotionally for the greater sum of my life, and not being there for me, and being completely absorbed in himself is no longer a problem. It is now a fact.

My father and mother, are Rejecting parents. Very cold. Very self absorbed. Extremely emotionally mute. But I no longer want to change them. I simply accept them as a fact of life. And that paradigm shift has improved my life tremendously.

But there is a very curious change in my father's behavior.

Previously, I would be trying to do anything to gain his approval. I put myself in a role that makes my father seem dependable. That is, I acted helpless and weak. I would talk excessively and he would nod and respond in one-liners.

But now, I am expressing my opinion and desire according to my own benefit, and that created a vacuum between him and I. There is no longer pointless and meaningless topics opened just so I can have a shallow sense of validation. Whenever he would say something that honestly if someone else heard it would think he's stupid, I simply nod along and ignore the conversation. If I was prompted to give my opinion of him for him lol I just be very objective and declare that this is nothing more than a strictly objective critique you asked for. AND MY GOD AM I BRUTAL TO HIM. I am just looking back i don't believe how much I've grown. I used to be terrified of the guy. Now he talks more to me and is very friendly. He tries so hard to engage with me sometimes. It is weird.. not the father I know.

Man, this vacation is the best decision I've done, ever.

[Starboard Song]

Man, this vacation is the best decision I've done, ever.

This is a good news post. A great news post!

You probably have a long road ahead, I know. But this makes me happy. You are on the right road.