How could I let myself go through this again?

[palmtreeparadise]

I'm in a huge crying fit right now and I'm a panic/anxiety attack and absolutely distraught right now.

Here's some backstory on my friendship:

This happened YEARS ago with said friend. I wasn't the best person when we'd been friends back then, drank a lot and wasn't super nice when I did. Years ago we had a falling out and she was mad at me for many many things - I had NO IDEA. She told all our friends how she's upset at me and no one really told me? Until one day she just went off. That ended our friendship.
Here we are again.... I'm getting ptsd this is happening AGAIN with the same friend after we mended things and became good friends again.

my anxiety was right. My friend was mad at me

My friend has been acting aloof and not super nice and I finally asked to see her and I FaceTimed her. She was indeed mad at me because I cancelled plans a day prior because I'd traveled.

I am distraught right now. I knew she was mad and wasn't communicating it to me. I have so much anxiety rn.

WHAT HAPPENED -

Full of anxiety and worried people are mad at me

This is seriously my biggest issue.. but last week I had cancelled plans to go to a big event with my friend and her friend.

It's a wedding show and it's a convention and I am just getting back from a trip and just feel like it's not best for me to go.

I let my friend know (a day prior... I know I'm sorry) but I could tell in the messages she wasn't super happy.. I was stressing and thinking ugh she's mad at me.

I'm a people pleaser and I can't handle this feeling. I am sitting and stewing.. I finally just asked her if she's mad and she said not mad just bummed. Again she was super short with me.

I felt terrible - I feel like maybe I should've just kept people pleasing and went but idk I think I made the right decision.

I gave my ticket to one of her friends to go instead. I just idk I feel like this is consuming me.

It is so so hard to live this life of being afraid you upset people. What do I do??? What should I have done??? She's now telling me she was mad at me. I can't go back in time and fix things

I don't know if she's got any pd but I wish she'd communicate to me when shes mad instead of telling other friends and leaving me wondering.

[notrightinthehead]

In my opinion there are two aspects to your story: One is your friend and her inability to express when she is annoyed but to withdraw instead. She is showing her irritation through her actions but cannot express her feelings verbally. Thus she does not give you a way in, explaining, apologizing, whatever. This way she also makes it impossible to talk it out and maybe come to a better mutual understanding.
The other is you, who acts in a certain way but is unsure if that is the right way and terrified if she upsets people by doing so. It sounds like your choices are doing one thing and upsetting yourself or doing the other thing and upsetting others. In such a situation it might be best to make your choice and every time you doubt yourself if it was the right one, you can tell yourself it might have been the wrong choice but it seemed the best one at this point in time. Even though it might be an unpleasant feeling, sometimes we do things that upset others and we just have to live with that.  Just like a mother might deny her child a sweet before a meal. She wont be popular with the child. The child might even dislike her for a while. But the mother will accept this unpleasant feeling with the conviction that she has made the right choice in this moment.

Going forward with this friendship - is this the kind of friendship you are looking for? Personally I prefer friendships that enhance my life and make me feel safe. 

[Foggydew]

Hey, she is mad at you, and I think I can understand why. She doesn't feel that she is so important to you because you cancelled somethging at short notice. Sure, your reasons were fine, but disappointment isn't about reasons, and you can't use logic to deal with emotions. You aren't the only one with emotions and fears, and neither is she. We all need to have tolerance for each other, and though it is difficult, it seems like you are a step ahead of her, and able to express your feelings. Feeling bad because someone is mad at you is a bit one-sided, feeling bad because you disappointed someone is understandable and you can tell her that. It changes the dynamics.
As notrightinthehead says, we have to accept unpleasant feelings if we believe what we have done is right - but we can also try to ensure that our decisions don't make people feel they are unimportant to us by talking to them. And giving them the opportunity to say why they feel hurt. Hurt, not mad. It's often confused, but it isn't the same.