Pink elephant

[Pepin]

Kris Godinez often refers to the narcissist as the pink elephant taking a sh*t in the corner of the living room.  100% DPD CN MIL over the years.  And now that she is gone, the sh*t that she left behind in the living room is getting really stinky.

As expected, DH has been having some revelations now that he has had space from her.  I knew this would happen.

He was lamenting that his professional trajectory would have been different had we remained where we were at the beginning of our marriage.  Its been a challenge for him over the years and he has struggled to not be stunted.  I've obviously suffered, as well both watching him go through it and also for myself.   He was hoovered in by his mother and that threw us off course for the next 20 years.  And now that she s gone, now what?  Yeah. 

DH also now realizes how others have been held back my DPD CN MIL in addition to us.  She seemed to think that without her continued presence, life would crumble for others....when really everyone would have been fine.  While DPD CN MIL talked about being curious around certain things she wanted to do or explore, she never made a move to do any of them and cited excuses of being needed instead.  Her words and actions never matched up.  Ever.  We all got hung up on her words and were in turn frustrated by her actions. 

There was one time that I will never forget when DH and I were getting ready at her house for an event and I was using the bathroom mirror to finish up.  She barged in, lifted up the skirt of her dress and plunked down on the toilet as if I wasn't even there.  She didn't ask me if I could give her the bathroom for a few minutes or if I was almost finished.  And for what it is worth I was very aware of the fact that that was the only bathroom in her house. 

Even though she is no longer here, she is still that pink elephant.  It is time for everyone to start seeing her for who she really was. 

[Pepin]

I find myself thinking more about how it is that DPD CN MIL fooled everyone with her behavior, especially her children.  It wasn't cute or amusing.  It was childlike and embarrassing.    

I'm often confused about the myriad of excuses that were made on her behalf:
That's the way she is.
That is what she likes.
She doesn't know any better.
She lacks education....really, one needs higher level academics in order to BEHAVE?
 
Why was no one able to share the truth?     
Why was everything about her so confusing?   
How is it that her intentional lack of transparency upon her death has not opened up her childrens' eyes?     They are pointing fingers at each other instead.   

It is just such a fiasco now.  She covertly and conveniently kept her kids divided while she was alive and now they are further divided.  These PDs really are deformed beings that cause massive destruction. 

My advice after having lived through 20+ years of this on top of nearly 30 years of similar garbage from NF is to RUN from these people as soon as you can.   

And speak up about the pink elephant.  It thinks no one sees it but we do.        

[losingmyself]

Pepin. I am sorry to hear of your MIL's passing. Even with all the complications, it's still a death in the family, and there must be some hurt with the finality of it all.
I wanted to mention along with Kris Godinez, who I love, I also listen to Dr Ramani's podcast. She gives a lot of great advice for family situations, especially lately. I highly recommend her.
She puts out a short video every day, and also just started a healing program that a person can sign up for.
Good luck to you in your journey.

[Pepin]

Pepin. I am sorry to hear of your MIL's passing. Even with all the complications, it's still a death in the family, and there must be some hurt with the finality of it all.
I wanted to mention along with Kris Godinez, who I love, I also listen to Dr Ramani's podcast. She gives a lot of great advice for family situations, especially lately. I highly recommend her.
She puts out a short video every day, and also just started a healing program that a person can sign up for.
Good luck to you in your journey.

Thank you and yes, Dr. Ramani is part of my repertoire among a carefully selected list.  I wouldn't have been able to survive this far without them all. 

My husband and his siblings in my opinion have been on the receiving end of DPD CN MIL's hurt for nearly their entire lives but they couldn't see it while living it.  What she transacted at her death speaks volumes about her thought process.  It has everyone reeling and pointing fingers at each other.  All fingers should be pointed at her as it was her actions that caused all of it.  It is a very complex grief and will take time for everyone to cool -- and I think eventually everyone will see what I saw...no one wanted to listen to me so I went quiet about it.  It's clear that people don't like cycle breakers -- but I sure as hell wasn't going to let it destroy my family as painful as it was.  It definitely feels like everyone has gone quiet and are attending to their wounds for the moment.