I'm new, thanks for having me

[jh123]

Hi, I've just found this forum and, having read some of the posts already, am amazed at the insight and eloquence of so many of the issues I have been dealing with for years. However, I am a little confused by all the acronyms! I married a lovely man 25 years ago, who showed no signs of having any borderline personality traits at all. Three years later and six weeks after having our second child, he told me that he was transgender. I am not making any judgement about this at all, and I support the trans community 100%, but it was a shock. However, I stayed with him and we had a third child. But, over the next 22 years, I was told that I had to keep this secret, deal with his dysphoria, and gradually my whole existence became catering to his emotional turmoil while ignoring my own. My life was controlled because I was always told that I had to behave in a certain way so as not to ruin his life.

Four years ago, I plucked up the courage to say that I might not want to stay with him for the rest of my life, and he started to become slightly unhinged. Looking back, it was his terror of abandonment but he spent four years emotionally pressurising me, gaslighting to the extent that I thought I had gone crazy, stopping me from believing I had a right to leave, threatening suicide, acting as if I was at fault all the time and being completely self centred. I recently realised that he has five of the borderline traits and it has been a huge relief to me that he doesn't mean to be so manipulative, I guess. I read a post on here about calling your partner abusive and I made that mistake!

I've now left him, but I feel FOG and can't detach yet. He's just round the corner and is making my life hell. I have suggested therapy, but before he has always intellectually twisted therapists round his little finger, as he is very intelligent.

It's done me good to write this! 

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am glad you found us and sorry you had to. Check out the TOOLBOX for strategies when you have to deal with your partner as a first step. We are all on the journey Out of the FOG together, everyone at their own pace. See you around on the boards.

[xredshoesx]

before i forget here's the cheat sheet on the acronyms

https://outofthefog.website/acronyms/

sending peace and healing to you as you start your journey.  from what you have shared i feel like you were the one showing the majority of the empathy and willingness to compromise over the course of your marriage.  ending the relationship doesn't mean you don't love or want the best for the other person, it means you are no longer willing to do all the heavy lifting to accommodate the other person and are done compromising your own mental health to make it work any more. 

[SonofThunder]

Hello jh23,

Welcome to Out of the FOG 😊.  Im so sorry you have experienced all the hardships over the years, but very happy for you to have found and joined us here at Out of the FOG as we all walk this trail together.  You are not alone and have plenty of good company here to share your past, present and future experiences as you continue your journey Out of the FOG. 

I also highly recommend you visit and study the toolbox tab at the top of the page.  The acronym link that xredshoesx shared will be of great assistance as well, and you will steadily understand them as you read and hopefully continue to interact.

I look forward to having you as a comrade around the virtual campfire of discussion as we all share in our experiences and join each other here in friendship.  See you around the boards! 

SoT