"Abnormal" and dangerous situations from the past

[Empie2204]

Hello, dear Out of the FOG members,

I have been out of the forum for some time. For me, this place was a safety vest in my dubious situations. Now, that I am out of my abusive relationship, I don´t want to think about it too much and too often.
But yesterday I was deleting a heap of old photos from my mobile phone and found one that I kept for ... I don´t know what ... maybe for my today´s post.
It´s a picture of my husband's (still not divorced  ) T-shirt, which he showed me as proof that I am not a decent wife. The T-shirt hat several clumsily made ugly cuts on both sides. He assumed (= accused me) that I was reckless and messed something up with the washing machine.
It was so surreal to see and hear that. I remember that I did not comment. This happened very close to my leaving him when I was already totally detached. Later, it lost importance to me, until yesterday. When I saw it again, it looked plain scary.
Now, I wonder if this could be a sign of a more severe mental disorder. I can add up some really dangerous situations in the past: some reckless and risky night drives (that scared me and the kids to death), neglect of my serious medical troubles, using the air gun to shoot away the birds from the eaves regardless of us walking through the garden, and some others.
Only now I can see that I lived dangerously.
Apart from three initial attempts to contact me, there is no sign from him, which I find good. But I can´t help wondering whether he spies on me or stalks me.
I wouldn´t say that I am scared but I feel uneasy.

[Cascade]

I have no idea of whether he’s stalking you or not, but if I ever left my husband I would wonder the same thing. For myself, it’s difficult to know when I’m being a bit paranoid or if I really have a reason to think what I’m thinking.

[Empie2204]

Hi Cascade, thank you for your view. I feel the way you do: not being sure what is real. And this feeling appeared just when I thought I'm some more steps closer to my recovery.

[JustKeepTrying]

This sounds so triggery.  I would feel off balance as well.

The further I step away from the fog, the more behaviors I assumed your normal when in the marriage, were really messed up.  Looking back I truly wonder how I survived.

Do you have a restraining order against him while working through the divorce?

You may want to consider a therapist to help guide you through future landmines.

[Empie2204]

@JustKeepTrying,

Just like you, the further I am, the more puzzled I become.
To be honest, at this stage of life, I have no objections towards him. He has "been leaving me alone" for two years now, BUT knowing how distorted he used to be, I can´t help wondering am I left alone. It´s not that I want to know what he is doing or planning, I am just cautious and suspicious: Distorted behaviors don´t disappear overnight.

I have no restraining order against him. He doesn´t bother me, it´s just me discovering how weird my life looked like. 

[Stillirise]

I understand. The further things get in my rear view, the more I realize how disturbing and disordered some of updxh's behaviors were.  I will sometimes casually mention something to friends, that I didn't think was that bad at the time, and get the jaw drop stares in return.   He and I still interact, as he has EOW custody of the kids.  Lately, interactions have seemed almost normal, outwardly, anyway.  However, I still can't shake the feeling that he's trying to keep tabs on me, or is working to undermine me in some way.  Hopefully, it's a remnant feeling, but I totally understand keeping up that little wall of vigilance and caution.  I think I had suppressed listening to my gut instinct for so long. Now that I'm learning how to listen to it, I try to sit with those feelings, not dismiss them, or become paranoid.

I'm thankful for this board. Others IRL could probably not understand this at all!  Best wishes to you!

[Empie2204]

Thank you Stillrise!
I agree, this board has been a remedy for all of us!

[GentleSoul]

I can understand you feeling uneasy.

I agree that looking back, my uPD husband and the situation we both ended up living in was incredible abnormal.  It all happened very slowly over several years so I didn't really notice that much.  Like the frogs in boiling water story.

But now with the clarity of being away from, it really was strange.  Some of his view points and beliefs were very odd.   I agree that also in my case so much of it was dangerous. 

Glad we are both out.   

[Empie2204]

I can understand you feeling uneasy.

I agree that looking back, my uPD husband and the situation we both ended up living in was incredible abnormal.  It all happened very slowly over several years so I didn't really notice that much.  Like the frogs in boiling water story.

But now with the clarity of being away from, it really was strange.  Some of his view points and beliefs were very odd.   I agree that also in my case so much of it was dangerous. 

Glad we are both out.   

Me too. We are the frogs that jumped out of the pot.